At night, there are fewer and fewer people in the street. He is dressed in black and wearing a hat. He tried his best to lower the brim of his hat, lowered his head and followed the girl without saying a word.
The girl in front is wearing gorgeous clothes, which are a little enchanting and tall, in sharp contrast with him who follows.
He stumbled with the girl to a hotel. He is as nervous as a mouse crossing the street. He looked around carefully and entered the hotel with the girl!
The girl looked back at him from time to time to make sure he followed her, turned right into the elevator and pressed the number 5. The elevator rose slowly, but the two people in the elevator didn't say a word, and the atmosphere was extremely embarrassing. The girl came to room 502, opened the door with her room card, and he followed her into the room!
After entering the room, the dim light made him barely see the girl's face, about his age, wearing a pretentious smoky makeup.
He looked at the girl blankly, and the girl smiled at him, then took off her pants and threw them on the chair by the window.
His breathing began to rush and his face began to burn. He has never seen such a situation in his life. What he has long wanted to do will come true today!
The girl was naked, lying on the bed with her white slender legs open, playing with her mobile phone, and her eyes glanced at him. Looking at him sitting on the bed at a loss, the girl impatiently said "Come on" to him!
The air smells unknown, but it smells exceptionally good. He couldn't help opening his eyes, his blood swelled and he trembled involuntarily. His upper and lower teeth met nervously and made a "da, da, da" sound.
two
My father, whose parents are divorced and used to debauchery, probably felt that taking him hindered his freedom, so he did not fight for custody and generously gave the house and himself to his mother!
Shortly after the divorce, my mother remarried and married a middle-aged uncle, working well.
The wedding was particularly low-key, and relatives were blessing his mother. Like an outsider, I hurried out of the auditorium to go to the Internet cafe after dinner.
Stepfather also has a house not far from home, with three bedrooms and one living room. Stepfather, stepsister and stepgrandparents live in it. The house is small and simple, with a sense of decay, and the walls have lost their original color and become black and yellow.
Maybe it's because there are old people living in the house, the corner of the house is full of meaningless things, empty bottles and old plastic, and there is a cage of listless chickens in the narrow bathroom. The narrow space is mixed with chicken excrement and musty smell, and there is an unspeakable depression!
After getting married, his mother moved there, and the house where chickens can be raised and garbage can no longer accommodate his bed, so he had to live alone in the original house.
Therefore, when he was admitted to the university, he could not help but breathe a sigh of relief. He took all his things and fled the place like a moving house!
The phone call was made in the early morning, and the phone kept ringing. It seemed that there was no tendency to stop, so he had to get up in a rage and answer the phone.
His mother said that his stepfather fell to the ground and went to heaven on the way to the vegetable market to buy food.
He paused, brewing an emotion, then criticizing God's injustice with tears in his eyes, and finally letting his mother and stepfather take care of themselves!
But in fact, my stepfather is really good to him. Whenever I go to my stepfather's house for dinner, I will ask him in advance what he likes to eat, and then there will always be those dishes he likes to eat on the table!
I don't know why, after grandpa died, he was not as sad as he thought.
It is possible that the affection between him and his grandfather is still not as deep as he thought, or that he himself is a very cold-blooded person!
So when his mother said, "Come back, after all, we are relatives for one year", he instinctively felt a sense of resistance.
Anyway, people are dead and can't go back. The dead don't know, do they? He read silently in his mind.
But mother insisted that he go back. She thinks this happened after she got married for a year. If he doesn't go back, his mother will be afraid of others gossiping and his stepfather will be upset!
So, when his mother spoke her mind, he was silent! He gave a wry smile, which turned out to be his mother's intention!
It turns out that what my mother values is not herself, but her hard-won marriage. After thinking about it, hatred filled his heart.
What nonsense, he almost blurted out, his eyes became very lonely, like a stinking stagnant water.
He didn't know what he was crazy about, so he said to his mother flatly, "I went out to work on holiday just to not go back to that home!" " "
There was a slight pause on the phone, then he said "all right" with the meaning of compromise, and then hung up.
He didn't know what expression was on his mother's face when she said "OK". Disappointed? Regret? Or regret raising a baiwenhang?
He breathed a sigh of relief and was completely awake, but he got into bed again and stared at the ceiling with his eyes open!
He admitted that he had a pleasure he had never had before. He thinks he is taking revenge on his mother. Revenge always makes people feel happy!
He saw a crack in the dark yellow ceiling from one corner to another, like the Great Rift Valley in East Africa, which was shocking. And he and his mother have cracks in their hearts.
The happy smile on his face gradually lost, replaced by endless emptiness and loneliness.
He, he thinks he's unwanted!
three
His depression is getting worse! At night, I can't sleep all night.
He doesn't understand that sleeping with others is probably the best moment of the day. How to get to him becomes a kind of torture!
He wants to cry when he thinks about it. He has never had a hard love. He has never even been in love.
He has shown his white face six times, but without exception, others rejected him. He even suspected that these girls knew each other, but they were all secretly good, otherwise how could they all reject themselves and dislike themselves!
The first girl, put him on the blacklist, silent, crisp and neat!
However, the second girl didn't reject him directly. When he was ecstatic, he met her standing side by side with others, and then it was gone.
The third one, who thought he was the favorite, gave him a hard middle finger and went to the hotel with someone else on the night of graduation.
Fourth, he likes the girl's maverick, and after he invited her to have a barbecue, the girl returned to her hometown and was forgotten in the rivers and lakes, leaving no trace of missing.
Fifth, I used to know my playmate, but he didn't take the initiative to say a word to her. One day, he was as drunk as a fiddler and sent a message saying that I liked your past. As a result, he didn't say a word.
Sixth, as if it happened yesterday, the girl was tender and sentimental, and even the way of refusing was very similar to her character. It's best to be friends. In a rage, he deleted the girl.
He still hates hypocritical people, and refusal is more deadly than direct refusal! Just like disappointment in hope makes people more desperate.
Therefore, he unexpectedly never contacted those girls again. Born as a man, you must have backbone.
One night, he looked at the street lamp outside the window and suddenly let out a cry. His mind was full of poems, and he felt that inspiration flowed from his head, so he made a poem.
He said:
night
A tossing and turning person
imagine
Crosscutting head
Divide into two-everything has a good side and a bad side
Half for sleeping.
Half buried in the soil.
Gorgeous flowers bloom at dawn.
The glare of street lamps
Divide consciousness into two parts.
Half of them travel around the world with the wind.
Half the people get up in the morning light.
People who love me don't have to be sad.
I asked the wind
Why don't you take me wandering?
Alienated people are cowards.
The status quo of escape
I'm not an earthworm
Even if you split in two
Cann't grow into the same two halves
The other half is reality.
The other half is imagination.
I'm not an earthworm
If you drift with the wind
The body was lying in bed.
May my mind escape from the heavy body.
Even those who love me will be disappointed.
After sending out the circle of friends, he looked at it several times from top to bottom and nodded. He was satisfied, but in fact he didn't know what he was writing. He always thought it was cool to write like this.
After writing a poem, he began to indulge in poetry and always posed as a poet. He fantasized that he could grow a pair of white wings and fly freely in the sky.
Then the sky said to him, "oh, it's really hard for you!" How can a good person like you suffer so much? Well, it's my fault. I shouldn't have sent you down to earth to go through any trials. I can't help it! If you don't work so hard, you can't go back to heaven! " Thinking about thinking, his eyes shed another line of clear tears!
He felt that he might be the reincarnation of Lin Daiyu, otherwise how could he be so sentimental.
Can be melodramatic, in fact, to put it bluntly, it is melodramatic!
Therefore, he thinks that his failure in confession is not because he is poor, but because of his own misjudgment. He thinks those girls have a good impression on themselves!
As a creature, people always trust their feelings and judgments without hesitation, especially when talking about themselves, and always hope that things have something to do with themselves.
So he naively thought that the girl must be his own, otherwise how could there be so many empty seats and he had to sit next to him.
But later, the girl kissed the boy sitting in front. He woke up from a big dream and took the book to another seat.
In order to avoid being hurt, he came to a conclusion: "I am the worst, and no girl values herself."
So this cuts off the impulse to confess to girls, and he is still suitable for a person to survive! Later, he really didn't take the initiative, even if a primary school girl came to add him to WeChat and wanted to make friends!
He just replied faintly: "Well, talk to you later!"
Is he not available? No, he can't be idle any longer. He sits in the chair of the dormitory like a dead fish every day, watching brain-dead soap operas on the computer, and laughs like an electric drill from time to time!
He didn't speak because he knew that no matter how much he said, there was still no result. That's what girls do. At first, they entice you to like them and satisfy their vanity. When you really like them, they tell you with an ugly face that you don't deserve it!
Maybe in his eyes, girls say they want to make friends with him, then they really just make friends, nothing else!
What nonsense love, fake, so fake!
So he became particularly sober, and even felt that the whole world was drunk and I woke up alone! He thinks he is a smart man and sees through the hypocrisy of this world!
But he became more negative again. He had insomnia all night. When he suffers from insomnia, he plays with his mobile phone, lacks sleep at night and dozes off during the day. In this way, he turned black and white!
He sleeps during the day until sunset. Then, he suffers from insomnia at night, and when he suffers from insomnia, he plays with his mobile phone in order not to be bored.
After a long time, he began to confuse whether he was playing mobile phone because of insomnia or insomnia caused by playing mobile phone!
He wakes up alone every night and looks at the empty room. He didn't say anything. In fact, he has no one to talk to. He started cooking alone, playing mobile phones alone, and sometimes going to Internet cafes alone. He always does everything by himself!
He thought, rather than live like a pig, it is better to find a place to die quietly!
So, he felt that he really didn't live long, and he had to end his life himself sooner or later. In this way, he is relieved!
When he doesn't want to go to class and do things seriously, he always comforts himself with the reason that he won't live long!
I'm going to die in the end anyway. What classes are there? So what if you miss too many classes? What if I can't get my diploma? Anyway, I will die sooner or later, probably before I graduate from college. I won't live long anyway! So he was suddenly enlightened.
four
Perhaps, his depression began at that time of insomnia! He once saw someone feel lonely on the internet! Others say: Loneliness means eating only three meals in two days, but no one finds it.
He looked at himself with a beard and gaunt face in the mirror and gave a wry smile. This sentence seems to be tailored for him. He thinks he really looks like a pig. What's the point of living like a pig?
Don't wash the pig white, which is even more meaningless. Some people will say that living is actually a meaning. Living for the sake of living is a sacred meaning.
But he knows that the most meaningless thing in life is to find meaning in this meaningless world and give it meaning.
After all, pigs are for eating, and the meaning of living is death. This is people's definition of pig. Pigs don't think about why they are alive, and pigs don't say loudly to every pig they meet, I want to be a boar of One Piece, so pigs just live blindly.
Therefore, if a girl discusses life with him, he will definitely find that girl very boring!
He thinks that life is an illusory thing. No matter what you say, it won't always follow the track you planned. It's better to say "stranger" as it is. It's simple. Take off your clothes and you will be willing!
None of the girls talked to him about life, let alone "strangers".
In this way, he lived in a daze and gradually began to feel embarrassed in his heart. He gradually began to feel that those couples, those people walking in the street in droves, their smiles and their actions seemed to laugh at their loneliness and inferiority.
Even if he saw a little girl holding her mother's hand, he would think that the next second, the girl would turn around and make a face at him, and then gloat and say something to him! They may even change hands and stab you.
He was so sweaty that he didn't even dare to think about it, so he shut himself up at home all day. This home is like his fortress, protecting his inner weakness and fear!
He gradually understood that he had nothing to do with the world. He feels that he lives in this world and doesn't know where to go. He doesn't know what he will do after graduating from college. He doesn't know what he will do when he finds a job. He seems to have lost all interest.
He is like a tumbler, constantly swinging between relatives and friends, and finally, he can't have it.
He once read a joke that he wanted to tell a sci-fi and horror story with the least words, so someone replied: When there was only the last person left on the earth, he suddenly heard a knock at the door. When he is the last person in the world, what will be knocking at the door outside? Monster? Aliens? Or a ghost?
After thinking about it, his skin got goose bumps!
However, he found that when he put himself in the position of the man in the story, he felt that there was only one person left on the earth, and knocking at the door outside was not the most terrible.
The terrible thing is: you are the last person on earth, and then no one knocks at the door until you die of old age!
However, he will not wait until he dies of old age. Isn't that too painful? No one talks to you, no one hugs you, and the air is quiet. It's so quiet that I can only hear tinnitus. This is crazy. This life will last for a long time. It's desperate to think about it!
But now, why is this not the case with him? What is the difference between him now and "he is the only one left in the world"?
Then, the idea of suicide jumped out, and he was white and bloodless and kept repeating those two words.
He picked up a fruit knife, tried it, scratched a white mark, and then felt a little pain, so he didn't try again. Instead, he went to Baidu to find some painless ways to die.
You can hang yourself, but I heard that the process of death is very painful, so you have to jump into the river. It's a pity that you can swim and jump off a building happily. Just jump off, but if you end up half disabled, you will have to trouble your family to carry shit to send urine.
He doesn't really want to trouble his family, especially his mother. He owes her so much!
It is said that when his mother and his biological father were married, his father asked his mother to beat him, but his mother refused and insisted on having a baby. His father can't help it. He stood still for a month, watched his mother's belly get bigger and bigger, and married her!
But in the end, mom and dad parted ways. He always felt sorry for his mother, which blinded her persistence.
He felt that his mother's youth and her life were ruined because of his appearance. Sometimes he thinks that if her mother hit herself, maybe so many things wouldn't have happened! Too bad his mother gave birth to him!
My mother asked his advice about remarriage. My mother said he wouldn't remarry unless he agreed. He agreed. He really wanted someone to take care of his mother and relieve her of the burden of providing him with education, so he agreed!
But after his mother remarried, it was very unsatisfactory. Stepfather not only shared his mother's love for him, but also didn't lighten her burden.
As a result, he began to hate his stepfather, so that there was no stepfather's name in the phone book and he never took the initiative to contact him.
Stepfather seems to hate him, too, and has never regarded him as a relative. After he came, they each had an apple 7, but they didn't have their own!
Then he began to hate his half-sister. He hates anyone. He feels that everyone in this world owes him an explanation!
But he forgot that his stepfather and stepsister didn't owe him from the beginning, did they? If it weren't for the small connection established by their mother's marriage, they would have been strangers, that's all.
So things went back to the original point, and he still insisted on dying. If he goes back on his word, how can he be worthy of what he did for not going to class?
In the evening, my mother stayed with my stepfather, and he got up at dusk from the house his mother bought with his biological father.
He lives in this house with loneliness, but loneliness has never said a word to him.
So he stayed quietly in a quiet room, only tinnitus, looking at the empty air. He didn't say a word and shed a tear!
He decided to go to the deep mountains early tomorrow morning, find a quiet and beautiful place, find a crooked-necked tree to hang up and end his miserable life.
Unfortunately, in this life, he has never touched a girl's hand or kissed a girl's mouth. Thinking about it, he flew into a rage. He clenched his fists and trembled all over. Bean-sized tears fell from his cheeks to the floor, and he was still crying unwillingly!
He took out a coat from the closet and put on a hat and went out. Some difficulties can be solved with money!
five
The girl lay naked on the bed, her legs spread out, and her upper body was only wearing a T-shirt.
Later, the girl skillfully faded the T-shirt to her chest, effortlessly pulled the bra out of the T-shirt, and the snow-white chest suddenly shook in front of him.
He swallowed a mouthful of saliva, and what he always wanted to do, what he never realized in his life, was about to be realized.
He felt dizzy and nervous and almost deprived of oxygen, but he enjoyed it. He gulped in air! He fell in love with this feeling of hypoxia!
But just when he was at a loss, a quick knock on the door broke his inner anxiety. The girl put on her pants at once and he opened the door impatiently.
There are two thugs dressed as gangsters outside the door. Before he knew it, they pinned him to the door. His heart thumped and he quickly looked back at the girl. The girl looks calm and seems normal. He broke out in a cold sweat, as if he knew what would happen later!
He lowered his head and looked pale. He has never felt so humiliated. He can imagine the expression that his mother hates iron and does not produce steel, the embarrassed expression of his stepfather and stepsister, and the expression that his biological father "threw you to your mother at the beginning"!
He couldn't figure out why God couldn't grant his little wish before he died.
The fists of the two big men rained down on his face. He felt that their movements were very similar to the way Luffy used the "organ rubber fist" in One Piece. He vomited a mouthful of blood foam and didn't know whether to cry or laugh. He looked at the window with barbed wire but no bumper!
He completely lost the last glimmer of hope for the world. He took a deep breath as if he were making a big decision.
With a whoop of "ouch", he suddenly got up from the ground and broke free from their bondage.
He rushed towards the window in despair. At that moment, he seemed to have exhausted his whole life.
negative energy