Author: Tang Yi (the main writer of Parents Intensive Reading)
Recently, there is a popular term on Weibo called "poverty alleviation style marriage".
This word comes from Weibo legal V and lawyer "Meet Wu Jiezhen". He told such a story on Weibo:
A girl in Guangzhou has been in love with her boyfriend for 3 years. , has reached the point of discussing marriage. They originally agreed that each of their families would contribute some money for a down payment on a house, but the boyfriend's family bought the house without saying a word.
The house was bought in the boyfriend’s name, and the boyfriend’s parents would repay the loan. The girl only had to pay for the appliances and decoration.
When the girl heard this, she felt that the man’s family was very reasonable, but she was a little worried, so she came to consult a lawyer. Lawyer Wu Jiezhen said bluntly:
“Girl, you are going to help the poor. "
The house was bought before marriage, and it was in the boyfriend's name. The repayment was made through his parents' account. The house became the man's pre-marital property and had nothing to do with the girl.
The girl has to spend money to renovate and buy appliances for this house. Once the two divorce, it is impossible to recover the expenses. Isn’t this poverty alleviation?
The girl listened to the lawyer's advice and asked her boyfriend to add her name to the house book. As a result, the man accused her of being fussy and the two families ended up breaking up and canceling the engagement.
This Weibo triggered a discussion across the Internet. Some people say that the man’s family is too calculating, and some say that the woman wants to take advantage too much. But I think that putting aside the dispute, there is a more essential truth worth pondering:
In a good relationship, you must talk about money, and it must be fair and aboveboard. , talk frankly.
Many people are shy about talking about money in social interactions, whether they are in love, getting married, or getting along with parents, relatives, brothers, sisters, colleagues and friends.
They always feel that talking about money hurts feelings. However, in a relationship, money is always an unavoidable topic. Instead of being secretive, it is better to communicate early.
After all, money is money and feelings are feelings. Only when issues of interest can be separated can emotional issues be dealt with clearly.
A truly healthy relationship can withstand money discussions.
Talking about money between lovers is a kind of trust
Zhihu V, Prosecutor @Logos once said something:
Variety Show In "The Defense of Marriage", a pair of lovers once had a dispute over the wedding.
The woman said aggrievedly on the show: "I have known him for so long and I haven't spent any money on him. I want to have a decent marriage this time. Why can't I do it?"
The man also had a lot to say. A down payment of 300,000 yuan for a house, a bride price of 150,000 yuan, plus a diamond ring, wedding dress, and iPhone all cost 500,000 yuan. This huge expenditure was unbearable for him.
As a result, the two people who were once in love faced each other on the show, and no one was convinced by the other.
A person crying, I have been with you for so long, and I have never made any excessive demands. Now at the critical moment, you are not even willing to spend some money, so how can you talk about loving me?
Another one explained, we have been together for so long, do I still need a wedding to prove my love for you? Why don't you think about it for me?
We will not discuss what is right or wrong, but the reason why the two people have reached this point is because they did not talk about money at the beginning of the relationship. There are huge differences in their consumption concepts and values.
The woman may feel that the wedding is extremely important for a girl. Even if she saves money elsewhere, she must leave a beautiful memory for herself at the wedding.
The man may feel that there are too many places to spend money. No matter how good the wedding is, it will be gone in one day, so it is better to save the money and put it in other places.
Both people have their own reasons, which is easy to understand. After all, everyone has different growth environments and different experiences, so their concepts are naturally different.
Therefore, from the beginning of the relationship, two people should sit down and open their hearts and communicate with each other about their views on money.
Even if the two parties have different views on money, if they understand and get along early, continue if they can bear it, and break up if they can't, they won't have to wait until they have been in love for several years and are talking about marriage before conflicts arise.
We are all afraid that "talking about money will hurt our feelings." In the end, we often end up hurting our feelings because we don't talk about money.
Sanmao once said: "If a marriage cannot focus on small things like dressing, eating, and counting money, it will not last long."
Lovers talk about money and It's not about being good at calculations, but about clearing mines for the future life of the two of them in advance.
We all live in this world. Stop deceiving yourself and saying that "with love, all problems can be solved." When two people live together, they are bound to have disagreements over money.
Don’t think that if you hide and don’t talk about it, disagreements about money won’t happen. Rather than waiting until things get out of hand and then regretting it, it’s better to put it on the table and make it clear from the beginning.
Just imagine, if two people don’t even dare or can’t talk about money, and are worried that talking about money will hurt their feelings, then how can they expect two people to face problems together in the future?
True love can withstand talking about money. When two people start talking about money, they really value the relationship.
Talking about money between friends is a kind of respect
I like a sentence very much:
"People who value money more than anything else generally don't Will talk to you about money; people who value feelings more than anything else will talk to you about money."
A good friend of mine published a book before and asked me to write a book review for her, and she said that I would. Give me royalties.
I was happy when I heard it. We have known each other for so many years, and we just wrote a book review, so there is no royalties or anything like that.
After hearing this, she said with a serious face: "It is precisely because I sincerely treat you as a friend that I must give you money. Writing a manuscript also requires time and energy, and I can't let you do it in vain. "
She once had a close friend who asked her to help write a copy, and she said she would pay the market price, but she felt that money should not be discussed between friends, so she refused to do so. Want money from your best friend.
Unexpectedly, this copy was particularly difficult to write. The client kept changing it over and over again. In the end, she almost collapsed. She couldn't help but start blaming her best friend: It's all your fault for finding such a thing for me. I feel angry and have no money to take.
Later she found out that her best friend was also very unhappy: I said you didn’t want the money, but now you are blaming me when you encounter difficulties. I didn’t give you the money, and I’m embarrassed to urge you to write the manuscript. I’m sorry. It's your fault that you can't grasp the needs of your customers. Who should I ask for explanation?
The relationship between the two people has developed a rift in this way, and it will never be the same again.
Finally she figured it out:
Adult friendship is precious and easily broken, so it needs to be maintained even more. The so-called maintenance means not to wrong the other party for the sake of one's own interests, nor to wrong oneself for the sake of the other party's interests.
A true friend will respect your work, be considerate of your time and effort, and will not be willing to take advantage of you.
If you take too many advantages, friendship will fade. Talking about money between friends is a way of valuing and caring for this friendship.
Think about it, under what circumstances did someone only talk to you about feelings and not about money? When he wants to take advantage of you.
Some friends have always come to me and asked: "Your writing is so good, can you help me write a product copy?"
When I ask how much the fee is, they always say He said with an unhappy face:
These people are just here to exploit our interests under the guise of "friends".
To put it bluntly, others always like to talk about feelings, not because our feelings are really good, but because they use feelings as a tool to drive us to do work for them for free.
If we were true friends, how could we be willing to work hard without getting any reward?
Cai Kangyong said:
The best friends are those who respect and understand each other; the worst friends are those who ignore your interests and never consider your perspective.
Not taking advantage of your friends is the best attitude toward friendship.
Talking about money between family members is a kind of consideration
There is an old saying in China: Brothers should settle accounts clearly. Even among family members, money should be discussed openly.
After all, love is a consumable product, even for blood-related family members. No matter how close the relationship is, it cannot be constantly demanded and consumed.
A friend bought a house and borrowed money from his sister because he didn’t have enough money. After that, he started working part-time to pay back the money.
When we went out to drink with him, he always said he didn’t have time: “I’m working and I want to make money to give back to my sister.”
We joked that that was your sister, and If you are not an outsider, why are you so anxious to pay back the money?
Whenever this time, he told us very seriously:
"My sister and brother-in-law are not easy. They lent me all their hard-earned money. If they want to use What should I do if I don’t have any money? They treat me so well, but I can’t be ignorant.”
With hard work, he quickly made enough money and paid it back to his sister, adding the bank interest rate. He paid a sum of interest, even if his sister insisted not to take it, he insisted on adding it.
No one’s money is brought back by strong winds. The money of parents and siblings is also earned through hard work.
Talking openly about money with them is not just about talking about money, but telling them, thank you for your kindness to me, I am very grateful, and I will not let you treat me well in vain.
After all, even between siblings, parents and children, everyone has their own life and responsibilities. Talking about money in a friendly manner can better preserve the warmth of family ties.
If you don’t dare to talk about money, you will never mature.
Writer Lian Yue once said: People who don’t dare to talk about money will never mature.
We encourage everyone to have the courage to talk about money with the people around them. Essentially, I hope everyone understands two things:
No matter how close the relationship is between people, There is a boundary;
Truly mature people are willing to respect the boundaries of others and defend their own boundaries.
Talking about money does not mean that everyone should be preoccupied with others, but that everyone can openly exchange their views with each other based on trust and equality, seek common ground while reserving differences, and build a good relationship with each other.
With your lover, you should talk openly about money. Who will manage the money between the two of you and where it will be spent. It is best to discuss these clearly first. Only by discussing money matters clearly can your life be smooth.
With friends, you should talk openly about money. This is to respect each other’s interests. Only by putting aside interests can the relationship be more lasting;
With family, you should talk openly Money, after all, the family's money is also hard-earned. Calculate big money clearly and don't care about small money. This can promote the relationship between family members.
What is more terrifying than not being able to talk about money is that we cannot grow into independent individuals.
Being able to talk about money with others reflects an adult's generosity and transparency in social interactions.
As Zhihu V, Prosecutor @Logos said in an answer: