I like a passage:
"Love is a life-long hardship, just because you want to stop the wind, want the clouds to fall, want to move the mountains, want to be alone Stay in your life for a long time. ”
To put it simply, not being able to love is the most painful thing.
When it comes to the person who loves the most but cannot get it, there is no one more than the talented woman of the Republic of China, Zhang Ailing.
She is sensitive by nature and has delicate emotions, but she is always deeply hurt by love.
The lack of maternal love in childhood, the deviation of father's love in girlhood, the betrayal of lovers in adulthood, the loss of love in old age, and the loneliness in old age.
In the prosperous Shanghai, people came and went, but the only person who gave her a trace of care was her aunt.
Apparently she has both parents, but Eileen Chang lives as an orphan, alone and alone, looking at flowers by the water.
Zhang Ailing wrote: Life may be soaring, but I cannot be soaring; life may be lively, but I cannot be lively. I can escape from all this, but I cannot escape the desolation of this life.
Today, we lift the curtain on Zhang Ailing’s life and understand the hardships she has experienced behind the scenes of her desolate life.
The beginning of Zhang Ailing’s life was so gorgeous that it was a bit dazzling.
On September 30, 1920, an autumn day, Zhang Ailing was born in a bungalow, surrounded by nannies and maids. The room exuded a faint fragrance. She enjoyed the love of her father and mother. Watch.
When she grew up, she wore gorgeous dresses and often walked in the huge garden, watching her father, mother and aunt having afternoon tea in the garden.
"The days of childhood are warm and slow day by day, just like the sunshine on the pink velvet lining of old cotton shoes."
Ai Ling only remembers such good days. The tail of happiness disappeared when his mother Huang Yifan went abroad when he was 4 years old.
From then on, Zhang Ailing never put together such a sweet picture again in her life.
Zhang Ailing’s childhood ideal was to have her hair combed at the age of eight, wear high heels at the age of ten, and travel around the world wearing the most unique clothes.
Unexpectedly, when I was eight years old, what awaited me was the news of my parents’ divorce.
As she grew older, all her dreams were shattered into rubbish.
In the photo of her as a girl, she was wearing the old clothes left over from her stepmother, with baggy styles and the color of ground beef, which was the nightmare of her life.
Zhang Ailing had a dispute with her stepmother about going to school and getting married. Her stepmother believed that it was a waste of money for girls to go to school, so she decided to get married early.
In the eyes of her stepmother, Zhang Ailing’s future is not as important as her and her husband’s smoking.
How could the proud and arrogant Zhang Ailing let others control her fate? She thought that with the support of her biological father, she mustered up the courage to give it a try, but she had a quarrel with her stepmother.
A pipe hit her father who was lying on the cigarette couch, and Ai Ling's head was filled with blood. At that moment, she froze, and something worse happened next.
Ai Ling was imprisoned in a splendid and deep mansion, with hunger gnawing at her body and ruthlessness destroying her soul.
It is said that Zhang Ailing has an aloofness in her character. Who knows what kind of suffering she endured during the month of being imprisoned, facing the darkness of uncertain life and death?
Finally, on a dark and stormy night, Ai Ling escaped from the cage. From then on, her relationship with her father was completely broken. How could she not break up?
He was a father in name, but he had become a ferocious enemy who wanted to kill her.
Full of pain both physically and mentally, Zhang Ailing turned to her mother Huang Yifan, waiting for her to finish pouring out her inner pain.
My mother asked: Do you want to continue going to school or get married?
Ailing’s answer is of course to continue going to school.
Her mother told her simply: If you want to go to school, you don’t have good clothes to wear, but if you want to get married, you can dress up well and marry into a good family.
As time passed, Ai Ling did not feel the long-lost maternal love with her mother, but instead felt all kinds of disgust.
From a female perspective, Huang Yifan is successful. She divorced at the age of 28, broke through feudal marriage, and achieved female independence and freedom. She had seven or eight boyfriends at the same time, and her daily life was colorful. .
From the perspective of Zhang Ailing’s mother, she is ruthless. Ailing’s arrival has brought her responsibilities and troubles, hindering her freedom.
There is another reason why her mother doesn't love her. The time they spent together lasted only 4 years, separated by thousands of years.
Love is the need to live together and the superposition of some trivial things.
But there is a void between mother and daughter. What do you want her to use to love her?
In addition, there is another reason. If you live in a villa, you will be surrounded by maids and servants.
Maybe she could have some spare time for her motherly love, but at that time she had no money and relied on all kinds of men around her to support her. She only cared about loving herself and could not spare the time or money to love anyone else.
Love is very expensive and a luxury product. Without the support of time and money, love can only be a luxury wish.
Later, when Zhang Ailing gained both fame and fortune, she bought out the relationship between mother and daughter with two gold bars, and they never saw each other again.
Her mother said heartbrokenly: Even if I make it difficult for you, you don’t have to do this to me!
In 1957, Huang Yifan was seriously ill and wanted to see Ai Ling before she died, but she avoided meeting and only sent $100 from the United States.
Now I understand what Zhang Ailing said: If you knew me in the past, maybe you would forgive me now.
In the 1920s, a Shanghai newspaper published a cartoon called "Pen and Lipstick".
In the painting are Pan Liudai, who is coiled in a spirit snake, Su Qing, who is elegant and elegant, and the other one, Zhang Ailing, who is in a fancy dress.
Someone asked Eileen Chang why she likes fancy clothes so much? She answered:
"I am not a beauty. Do I have any characteristics? If I don't use these to show off, how can I attract others' attention?"
Whether she goes to the publishing house to discuss manuscripts with editors, Whether she goes to the printing office to correct books or goes to the street to buy a dessert, she always wears exquisite makeup and bold and strong fancy clothes, walking down the street looking charming and charming.
Wherever she went, everyone stopped what they were doing and greeted her with their eyes, and the children chased her and jumped with joy.
That was Shanghai where Zhang Ailing was at her peak, and it was the highlight of her life.
She earned everything with her outstanding talent and a pen in her hand. She was only 23 years old that year.
Her outstanding literary talent attracted a super fan, Hu Lancheng, who gave her a nightmare.
His eloquent compliments, piercing appreciation, just the right amount of care, and extremely clever transparency were all like magic, deeply intoxicating Zhang Ailing, who had never been passionately loved before.
Many people think that Zhang Ailing's fall in love with Hu Lancheng was a disaster in her life, but looking at Zhang Ailing's life, it was her happiest period.
Because in those years, she experienced the satisfaction and happiness of being loved.
She was happy to "meet the person you want to meet among millions of people. In millions of years, in the boundless wilderness of time, there is neither a step too early nor a step too late." Met. The one she loved.
Although it was short-lived, it fascinated her so passionately that she was willing to crawl in the dust, and flowers bloomed in her happy heart.
Someone once said: If you don’t want to suffer in love, then you must know Zhang Ailing.
However, Zhang Ailing herself suffered a big loss in love.
This also confirms what Zhang Ailing said: Not loving is a lifetime regret, and loving is a lifetime of suffering.
Zhang Ailing considers herself to be the love of her life. She has been married three times, but this still did not stop her from getting married to Hu Lancheng.
There is no grand ceremony, only a promise: I hope the years will be peaceful and the world will be stable.
However, one day, in front of Zhang Ailing, Hu Lancheng praised the nurse Xiao Zhou for washing her clothes very cleanly. Zhang Ailing was so smart that she would understand.
Zhang Ailing asked: What does Xiao Zhou’s hair look like?
Hu Lancheng lowered his head and replied in a soft voice: Medium-long straight hair, with the ends slightly curved inward.
Zhang Ailing chose to endure. Their real break happened after Hu Lancheng fled and Zhang Ailing traveled thousands of miles to find her husband.
When Hu Lancheng saw her, he immediately asked: What are you doing here? Go back quickly!
During that time, Zhang Ailing witnessed the love between Hu Lancheng and her new love Fan Xiumei. With her arrogance, she did not allow herself to lose her composure.
Those were the longest and most painful days in her life. Under the expressionless indifference, her heart was bleeding.
On the way home, she wrote:
The pain was like a train, rumbling all day long, with no gap between day and night. It was right next to her pillow when she woke up. It's a watch, it's been gone all night.
After returning to Shanghai, she couldn't eat, couldn't sleep at night, lost dozens of kilograms, and had no menstrual period. As a beauty lover, any clothes she wore were too loose to keep warm.
It was a snow in her life, it kept falling, it kept falling, it was bone-chilling and helpless.
In the darkest moment of her life, a person appeared. He was Sang Hu, the director of the Cultural Film Company. He appreciated Zhang Ailing's talent and invited her to collaborate on a movie.
They admire each other, and Sang Hu's reticence gives Zhang Ailing a great sense of security, but they are unable to break the worldly cage.
Because Sang Hu was unmarried and Ailing was married before, the family also opposed such a union, and Sang Hu later married someone else.
Zhang Ailing traveled far away from home, leaving Shanghai, the sad place that made her and destroyed her, and remarried Lai Ya in the United States. She has no words to describe this marriage.
A few years later, Lai Ya passed away and Zhang Ailing lived alone.
This was the only protection in Zhang Ailing’s life in her later years, and it was also a touch of warmth in her desolate life.
Looking through all the photos of Zhang Ailing, we will find that she did not leave a particularly happy photo, and some just had a faint expression, with a gloomy feeling of life experience.
If Zhang Ailing knew better, she would have smiled faintly and said the sentence in "Withering Flowers":
"Photographs are just broken shells of life, and the passing of years In the past, the melon seed kernels were swallowed one by one, and everyone knew the taste. All that was left for everyone to see was the messy black and white melon seed shells."
In that troubled Shanghai, Zhang Ailing was as gorgeous as ever. Fireworks that are fleeting.
In the evening smoke, she once looked at the slightly undulating borders of Shanghai. Although there were no mountains, it seemed to be surrounded by mountains. In a life without love, she lived an indifferent and self-sufficient life.
She was too worried. She wrote down the fate of many people with her pen. Each character had a part of her life, with an indescribable sense of desolation.
. END .
Text|Tsing Yi
Editor|Daniel Li
Typesetting|Drizzle
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