Only those who don't like or feel sad can be happy and sad, and only those who don't care about gains and losses and don't wait for answers can climb to the peak of life.
-inscription
It's cloudy and sultry, and I'm a little sleepy on the train to Shanghai. I'm as tired as the tide. The air seems to wander and stop, the chaotic consciousness is vague, I drift away from my body a little, and then I fall into a dream ... It is a dream that has been pestering me for many years, a dream that holds my hand tightly, and a dream that I can't turn around ... My shabby cloth duck, my dirty white pleated skirt, I am full of photos of clouds ... All that has been lost, I cherish. Whose hand gently touched my face again, rough and warm, leaving me with an insurmountable time. ...
I am a child who likes to cry. I am ugly and ugly.
Grandma said that I was born with a sad face and cried at the first sight. She said that I was an elf who accidentally fell to the earth, and I was destined to spend my whole life looking for the way home. But, but grandma, fairies in fairy tales are all elegant and beautiful. They smiled like flowers, shining in the first ray of sunshine in the morning. What about me? So ugly, so shabby My sky is an eternal haze. Grandma smiled and held out her warm palm, touching my tearful face. She said, my dear baby, you are pure and gentle, you are kind, and you are clearer than the deepest and bluest lake in Namtso. Good grandma, you don't need to make up white lies. If this is my destiny, what can I accept it unsafe? ...
Youmeng
There is a memory, such as a vaccine, which doesn't hurt at first, but as time goes on, the pain will get closer and closer, vaguely, as if it were still there, but you can't help but want to raise your hand to comfort your heart.
When I was four years old, I was sent to kindergarten. Like many children, I burst into tears and clung to my father's skirt. I'm afraid those children will point at me, and I hate my aunt's contemptuous eyes. However, my father left me alone. It was the first time I left in my memory, and my once peaceful life left with my father's back.
I stood alone in the corridor outside the classroom and cried all the time, tearing my heart out. Many people passed by, and no one stopped to comfort me. I stole a look at my little aunt, who was wiping tears for the girl in her arms with a small handkerchief with beautiful lace. This girl is really beautiful, just like an angel in a picture book. I was fascinated by her, so I tried to smile at her when she turned to look at me. It's just that I didn't know at the time that this kind of smile was more terrible than crying, which made the beautiful angel cry even more. My little aunt gave me a look, then walked into the classroom with Angel in her arms and closed the heavy oak door. Later, when I was tired of crying, I squatted on the ground to listen to the sound, the laughter of the children in the room, the creaking of shoes across the floor, and even the rustling of leaves by the wind ... I don't know how long it took, my aunt opened the door and let me in, and many pairs of eyes stared at me together. Angel shouted, "That's her! That's her! " The boy next to her began to laugh. He said, "Ugly! Not as good as my Xiaohua Mall! " So all the children began to laugh, and the classroom was in chaos. It was that day that I realized how ugly I was. So I wrote it down: I am ugly, very ugly.
Children don't play with me because of ugliness. Because of ugliness, my little aunt never hugs me. Because of ugliness, I lost a lot of fun I should have at that age.
I remember there is a big cupboard in the corner of the classroom. There are many toys, colorful building blocks, a bear playing drums, an elephant spraying water ... and a doll with blonde hair and blue eyes. If you sit it up, it will open its eyes and look at you. If you let it lie down, it will shut its eyes and sleep. I like it very much. All the toys are distributed by my aunt. She will go to each child and let them choose their favorite toys. But this free choice always begins with a beautiful girl, such as an angel, and ends with an ugly child, such as me. And many times, the terminator of that game is me. Every time I can only take out an ugly rag duck from the almost empty red toy basket, because there is only this rag duck left.
I waited quietly, waiting for my little aunt to come to me first one day, waiting for someone to give me a chance to hold my beloved doll with both hands, the one that blinks. I waited stubbornly for a long time and looked forward to it for a long time. But the child's heart can't stand waiting. I finally felt tired, so I closed my eyes and stopped looking at my beloved doll. Others have arranged my fate, and I have no choice before choosing.
Later, on a sunny afternoon, fate finally gave in to me. I watched my little aunt coming to me with a basket full of toys. The beautiful doll lay on it and looked at me and smiled. The little aunt said, "Pick a toy you like" with a pity expression on her face. I looked at the doll dumbfounded, then reached out my trembling hand, grabbed the old cloth duck under the doll and held it tightly in my arms ... Cloth duck, cloth duck, how many days have we been together? Cloth duck, cloth duck, will you always play with me? We should never leave each other.
The little aunt finally left with a complicated face. I don't know if she was making the truest confession in her heart at that moment. At that moment, did she intentionally or unintentionally stop hurting other unfortunate children? But all this doesn't matter anymore, because she never asked me to choose toys first, and she never cared so much about me. So my cloth duck and I have been together, never leaving, never leaving. When I was promoted to class one, the cloth duck was pushed into the trash can by the new toys in the garden because it was too shabby. We must start a new cycle.
Therefore, I am a somewhat eccentric child. The younger you are, the deeper you remember. This youth is also my deepest memory. I can't erase it, and my sadness won't disappear. It always wakes me up from the darkness in the silent midnight. I always think of my old duck and the desolation and loneliness of my childhood when I see the moonlight coming directly from the huge French window.
Child injury
The first fairy tale grandma told me was called The Ugly Duckling. She said that I am the duckling in it, and when I grow up, I will naturally become a beautiful white swan. No, but I wrote it down.
When I was in primary school, my appearance didn't improve with my age, but my face was more abrupt and sharp. What followed was more contempt and ridicule. That beautiful girl escaped from me like a plague. The naughty boy pretended to throw stones at me and called me ugly. Once, the girl sitting on my left accidentally dropped her pencil on my small bench, and I bent down to pick it up and return it to her. She said thank you, then took out the toilet paper and polished the pencil carefully for a long time. I want to tell her, I want to say that I am ugly, I am not dirty at all, and I haven't said it for a long time. I don't think she will ever understand.
After reading it, I read many fairy tales. The princesses in it are all beautiful and kind, but why do evil villains have ugly faces? Are beauty and goodness necessarily twin sisters, and are evil and ugliness always twin brothers? I closed the book and cried alone. My heart is evil, isn't it?
When I was ten years old, the summer was particularly sultry, and my mother came back from Beijing. In addition to delicious snacks and fashionable toys, my mother specially brought me back a beautifully made white pleated skirt. Beautiful pleated skirt, cool to wear, will keep swinging with my pace. I wore it to school, and many people stared at my skirt on the way, so that I was a little proud for a moment. It turns out that the ugly duckling can really become a white swan. I walked into the classroom with confidence, and several girls began to cry in a low voice after a little consternation. How can she wear this beautiful white pleated skirt? How could she ... I argued hard, angrily and desperately, but all I did didn't turn away the girl's sadness, but I burst into laughter. Later, a boy painted my skirt after class and spilled vegetable soup on my pleated skirt after lunch. At this time, I can do nothing but cry.
My beautiful white pleated skirt became mottled, and my heart began to mottle. I can't wear my skirt anymore, so my mother has to throw it away with a sigh. Afterwards, my mother went to school to find a teacher, and the teacher forced the boys to apologize to me. I know it's the only thing they can do. If there is a next time, what awaits me is still the same result and the same fate.
I'm beginning to understand that some things are not suitable for me to do. I'd better keep my position, at least not to bring unnecessary trouble to myself and others. If one day I can really become a white swan, then at that time, I will try my best to realize that once unreachable dream.
It's raining.
Time goes by, overwhelming, but silent. There was a rain in my heart, where it fell, red spots, all the rain fell, and everything was silent.
When I was four years old, my family began to lose the ability to protect me. The ugly appearance not only brought me deep hurt from others, but also made me unable to forgive myself from beginning to end. I grew up in this kind of injury and learned to endure in this kind of shortcoming. I give up my dreams endlessly, and my heart becomes more and more empty in the misty rain. So in the eyes of the world's disdain, I grew up like a deformed tree and set foot on my way home step by step along the doomed route.
In fact, since I can remember, my mother has been teaching me how to face life, because my burden is much heavier than that of children of my age. When I got to middle school, I knew long ago that I couldn't change my natural ugliness. What I can do is to learn how to really relax it in my heart and cherish everything that other destinies have given me. However, at this age as beautiful as flowers and pure as jade, how can I get rid of my ugly face? I have endured the contempt of others and my own unwillingness for too long.
My cousin is two years older than me and studies in a middle school far from home. From the first day I went to middle school, my cousin was duty-bound to shoulder the responsibility of protecting me. So whenever someone scolds me for being disabled or ugly, someone will always stand up and forcibly remind them how to respect a person. Of course, sometimes he teaches others, and sometimes others teach him. On my birthday, my cousin gave me a bracelet. It's not very expensive, but it's beautiful and chic. I said I'm sorry. I never wear this kind of thing. He said girls like this kind of thing, so you must like it, too. Put it on. So I reluctantly put the chain on my hand, and my cousin was very happy. In this way, during that time, the little cousin did all the responsibilities that a little brother could do. He taught me how to protect myself, took me away from sadness slowly, and encouraged me to let go to find my own beauty.
A year later, he left his hometown and left me on the southbound train. He said it was time for him to pursue his dream, and he couldn't carry it for me after the ups and downs. I must be brave and strong, and no longer appear as a weak person. Even a wounded bird can hold its head high and fly proudly. You are my proud sister, and one day you will leave like me to realize your long-lost dream.
Little cousin, you are an unfinished story and an unfinished song in my heart. Whether you never hear from me again or not, I will grow up and treat myself well.
After my cousin left, those punks began to pick on me. Finally, one day, those arrogant girls surrounded me on the way to school. I have been learning patience since I was a child, and I have never been in a fight. But this time, I confronted a group of people crazily. Fists rained down on me. In this losing struggle, I grabbed a man, hit him hard, even grabbed her hair and threw her head to the ground. So before I lost my will, they gave up on me and ran away without my injured partner.
When I opened my eyes, my mother sat next to me. She caressed my face sadly, and the expression on my face was as sad as when I was born. Mother said, son, why didn't you tell me everything? All the miserable mothers will share with you. I nodded and fell asleep in my mother's hand again ... "In this world, some roads have to be faced alone and trudged alone. No matter how long the road is, no matter how dark the night is, you have to walk alone silently. " ..... Mom, I don't want you to share anything for me. After giving birth to me, you suffered more than any other mother. I will live a good life after this time, and I won't let you sigh and cry for me again.
Dad got rid of the punishment of the school with power and money, and I became famous on campus because of this victory. No one dares to provoke me, and no one dares to laugh at me, an ugly girl who fights hard. This ridiculous reputation is a trophy that I cannot refuse. The scar that remains on my arm today is a proof of my struggle and a price I don't want to pay.
When the rain falls on my heart, it is the moment when I keep my promise. Now, in this era of flowers, this heart rain has finally come to an end. I took out the mirror and studied my face for the first time. So ugly and so determined. I put down the mirror and touched this face with my hand. From now on, you are no longer a wound in my heart. I will lead you to a good life.
emerge in multitude
God said: What do you want, money, status, honor?
The woman said: I want to be beautiful!
On the other hand, I feel comfortable with ugliness.
Stepping into the threshold of high school, I care for my soul to grow quietly. Gradually understand that feelings are actually just a cloud, often blown away by the wind, while reason is a tree, and only dead leaves are blown away by the wind. I learned to protect my mind with my conscience, and gave birth to spiritual armor in the years, keeping the bottom line of conscience and forbearance, and keeping the peace of mind and the beauty of life.
Because I am willing to face it frankly, at the self-introduction meeting at the beginning of the semester, I stood in the center of the classroom platform and told these future students clearly: I am ugly, very ugly, but please don't call me ugly or disabled. I don't blame, I'm not disabled, I'm not dirty, I don't beg for pity. I just grew up in a way that I had to accept. I had no choice. Whether you like it or not, I will be your junior for three years for most of you. Hello, everyone.
Some people's eyes are wet I think at this age, each of us has experienced many spiritual experiences. Everyone has been hurt in one way or another, and everyone's heart is still full of unforgettable memories. But the road of life, no one to share with us, all we can do is pack up and continue our journey.
My deskmate is a lively and beautiful Gemini girl. She is like many people in this class, because I am calm and have a good impression on me. She took me to climb the mountain, see the sea and see her lovely dog Kaka. She asked me why I had a long scar on my arm, and I smiled and told her about my failed victory. She said she was sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I just care about you. I said it doesn't matter, not every scar is untouchable. Even if you don't touch it, I will always think of it myself.
In fact, many people paid attention to me in high school, but their attention was more or less out of pity or other personal reasons. There is no irony on the surface, but I can still overhear those comments about me. It's not surprising. I'm not surprised. Perhaps, human beings really have a lot of vanity nature and need to restrain and improve themselves. In fact, few people can really do this. And my deskmate, a beautiful Gemini girl, is the only person who left footprints in my heart after three years, a true friend.
There are some things I don't have to guess. It will happen naturally. I walked stubbornly and helplessly alone for nearly twenty years. A little tired, so I slowed down and began to appreciate the scenery, and accidentally put that boy in my eyes. He has long eyes and a high nose, and he plays basketball well. I watched him carefully and tried to explore his world. His optimistic attitude towards life infected me. However, on reflection, there is no reason to disturb his quiet life. Don't bring unnecessary trouble to others and yourself. I will abide by this rule of life.
The lake will not dry up because of the departure of waterfowl, and the sky will not fade because of the disappearance of clouds. Clouds floating into my life from other days no longer drop raindrops or cause storms, but only give me the color of the sunset sky.
Dark and sunny
Time, like autumn rain, beats the water of memory. Thousands of miles away, there is a ray of sunshine through the layers of clouds, faintly telling me those beautiful things that have passed away. If my heart can turn into a drop of water in Lijiang, if I am the colorless bird flying on the river, can this soft light take me to the eternal light, and can the warmth of this meter paint my transparent wings with colors that will never fade?
God did not give me a beautiful face, but gave me a light soul. It keeps me away from the noise of the world, guides me to find the way when I come, and completes the long journey of life with a tempered heart.
I write my life with wisdom. It's time to go. It's time to come. I exchanged sweat and tears for the admission notice of that excellent university. Mother's tired face finally showed a long-lost smile. "Mom holding a lamp for you. As long as you always remember that light, the road will never disappear from your feet. "
This year, grandma passed away. No more rough hands touching my cheeks. Grandma, you promised to accompany me to see the sea. Now I can only walk alone on the beautiful beach in my hometown. The waves are loud and lonely. Countless seabirds understood the sound of the waves, and their silver notes splashed on the sea, telling me that flying is the way to overcome loneliness.
Grandma, you once said that life is actually like this. There is no joy, no sorrow, and no great sorrow. You walk leisurely, live with peace of mind, work hard, gain and lose, stay away, and do what you want to do. It's a pity that I couldn't understand the old man at that time. Grandma, there is a sea hidden in my heart now. Who is singing a fishing song in the depths of the tide? I held out my hand, feeling extremely empty in my heart, and I turned around with tears in my eyes. ...
Grandma, I am an elf who accidentally fell to the earth, and now I have finally found my way home; I am an ugly gray duckling in a fairy tale. I spread my wings and became a beautiful white swan. My dear grandma, please feel free to leave. I'm leaving, too. I'm going to a distant place to realize my dream of giving up.
On my17th birthday, my father gave me a camera. I used it to shoot all my stories for three years. There is no figure of me in my story, but there are many changing clouds, many colors of the sky, many flowers and plants, many trees and many scenery engraved in my heart for a long time. I'm going south by train. I won't leave these photos. Fate has opened its wide road before my eyes, and I will move on and never look back.
End of movement
I woke up from my dream in the rumble of the train. Suddenly outside the window, the haze has all dispersed, and the golden sunshine has spilled into every corner of the carriage. So bright and so warm, I lost the last trace of gloom in my heart.
What bird is flying in a hurry under the sky? Blue feathers reflected the sunlight and sang with their heads held high. It flapped its beautiful wings and flew straight to the sun and hope. ...