Cultural conflict at the dining table
The Chinese New Year is nothing more than this: visiting relatives and friends every day, almost every meal is a table full of dishes, and in the end almost everyone They are all scared. My father-in-law also likes to persuade people to eat. He often puts vegetables into everyone's bowl without any explanation. You just finished eating fish balls, chicken wings, and duck legs, and he stuffs you with a braised egg. Sometimes the juniors couldn't help but frown and protest: "I don't want it, I really can't eat it." He stared: "What are you doing? This tastes good! Eat it quickly!"
Persuading Cai This scene can also be regarded as an intergenerational conflict at the dinner table. In many places, people of the middle-aged and above generation often regard persuading food as a kind of considerate care for relatives and friends (especially the younger generation) at gatherings, while the younger generation rarely does this anymore. The former also often assumes that people all have the same preferences for dishes (I think it tastes good, and you will think the same), while the latter thinks that everyone has different taste preferences.
I still remember that when I graduated from high school more than ten years ago, a group of people went to the house of a classmate in the countryside. His mother was also very enthusiastic - one of the manifestations of her hospitality was in the way she persuaded her to eat. She cooked a table full of dishes and kept picking up dishes for each of us during the meal. The speed was so frequent that before we had time to react, the rice would be completely covered with chicken, duck, and fish. The classmate also noticed our embarrassed expressions and whispered to our mother afterwards: If you let them do it by themselves, other people may not like to eat what you pick up. Some girls in the city are very particular and may even mind whether the heads of your chopsticks are clean. After that, she stopped asking for food and was a little uncomfortable when greeting us.
Now that I think about her mood at that time, she was probably a little sad, because her kindness was not fully accepted. Although most people don't care whether the chopsticks are clean or not, everyone does have different preferences for dishes - at least some girls couldn't eat a large piece of braised pork that was brought to them, and they hesitated in their hearts whether they were trying their best out of politeness. Eat it and put it back firmly. The key to this is that the two sides cannot agree on "what is good".
American anthropologist Margaret Mead once said in the book "The Generation Gap": "The adult generation always assumes that all generations have the same views on truth, goodness, and beauty. Human beings “The essence of the world—that is, the inner ways of understanding, thinking, feeling, and behaving—is essentially timeless.” But here’s the thing: younger generations often see these differently. Therefore, Chinese parents often find that their children do not appreciate their selfless devotion to their children (as they often sadly claim: "I am doing it all for your own good"), because in the eyes of young people, what their parents give them is not appreciated. Your own "goodness" is not what he wants - just like you think your child likes braised pork, but he actually doesn't like it. Instead, he regards your kindness as an imposed burden.
Traditional East Asian culture also places special emphasis on interpersonal interdependence rather than individual independent choices. In this cultural atmosphere, selfless dedication to others is a highly respected value in society. It is regarded as an ideal moral order for everyone to contribute wholeheartedly to others. But in an era where social values ??are becoming increasingly diverse and fractured, this order is on the verge of collapse.
In my childhood, the countryside was still alive with this sometimes unbearable enthusiasm. Every time I visited my aunt's house, she would always be kind enough to ask us to stay after dinner, saying that she had already laid out pillows and mats for the guests. A few times she did something extraordinary - she even locked the bicycles we rode in and let out her own wolfdog. To prevent us from leaving, an uninformed person might think it was a fight if they saw the way she and my parents were pulling and pushing. Although I wanted to go home at that time, I was prepared every time: I would not be able to go to her house because I would not be able to live there. As for offering food and drinks during holidays, you can see it everywhere, and people think that you have to get someone drunk to show hospitality. Even if the other party repeatedly expresses that he really doesn’t want to drink, the reply he gets is always a feigned anger: “I don’t care about you. ! ”
According to Western concepts, this is a manifestation of no distinction between people and me - it seems to be "for your own good", but it ignores the other person's independent personal will. Conversely, the very clear interpersonal boundaries in the West often make East Asians feel cold and lacking in intimacy. Japanese scholar Takero Doi once recalled that when he came to the United States in the early 1950s, he visited an American friend. When the host asked, "Are you hungry?" Although he was indeed hungry, out of the implicit politeness of Easterners, he said, "Not yet." ; He thought the other party would persuade him a few more words, but unexpectedly the other party just casually said "Really" and stopped persuading him. Afterwards, he discovered that American polite hospitality means letting guests make their own choices. "It seems that only in this way can we prove that we have the right to choose and that we are a free person." He was neither comfortable nor accustomed to it at the time. He felt that Americans were far less caring and considerate than the Japanese, and he did not like to hear the phrase "please help yourself" that Americans often talk about. In his opinion, This sentence is very offensive, blunt and almost disrespectful. But in the eyes of Americans, the greatest courtesy to a guest is to respect his right to choose. If you don't like it or don't choose, he will never force it - because in the American concept, he reluctantly gives others what he thinks is good. , is an infringement on the autonomy of others.
The difference between these two cultures in China is often expressed as between generations, and has been replaced by a time difference (traditional and modern).
Indeed, Chinese society has quietly undergone tremendous changes in recent years. Ten years ago, a colleague of mine went to Zhengzhou for a meeting and was warmly entertained by a local supplier. He had never drank liquor and was given a few drinks. After begging and begging for help, he actually fell out over it and ended up having an unhappy relationship. . Nowadays, I heard that they are "much more civilized". If they really can't drink, they won't force it. The younger generation usually leaves everyone to their own devices at parties. This is certainly in line with the current social reality of increasingly diversified values ??and respects the right of independent choice of different individuals with differences. However, there is no doubt that the distance between people has also expanded invisibly, and people have gradually become "lonely rights holders". Someone." It's hard to say which concept is better - perhaps, what the Chinese people who are experiencing modernity really need is to reach a new balance between the two.
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