Desire
The climate in southern cities is mostly mild and pleasant, but the climate in my hometown in the south is extremely harsh. Although there are four distinct seasons, summer and winter have too strong personalities. Once it gets really hot or cold, it becomes extremely cruel and inhumane, leaving you with nowhere to escape. In 1998, the weather in our city was particularly weird, with heavy rains causing disasters in the summer and extremely cold winters. That winter was really unforgettably cold.
In "Me and the Temple of Earth", it is written: In winter, accompanied by the stove and the book, I strengthen my determination over and over again and write some letters that cannot be sent. It was winter in a house in the north. It was dry, cold, and bleak outside, but the howling wind made the house even more warm and poetic. Winter in southern cities is humid and cold both indoors and outdoors, and dripping water turns to ice, leaving people with nowhere to escape. In a room without heating or stove, I wrapped myself up tightly and painfully performed some exercises that were destructive to human nature with my numb fingers, over and over again reaffirming my determination to save my life for the time being and move to the tropics in the future.
As soon as I saw the composition title "Longing for XX" on the blackboard, I wanted to die.
After being a student for so many years, I have always had mixed feelings about propositional composition. In a Chinese paper, I hate finding typos and wrong sentences, I hate filling in the blanks in the original texts of "Moonlight over the Lotus Pond" and "Blessings", I hate dividing paragraphs and summarizing the central idea. It wasn't until I finished the final composition that I could express myself freely that I felt like I was coming back to life. But once I encounter a topic like "Entering the New Era" or "On "Those who are close to Mohism are black"", I enter a state where life is worse than death. Although I am often glad that I was not born in the era of the evil imperial examination system, it is really difficult to be a student in this era.
The rules of high school Chinese teachers are to practice composition once every half month and give lectures once every half month. This makes me happy and sad. I don’t know why. I’ve read a lot, but when I’m writing a composition, especially when I encounter an inappropriate topic, the words die. I’ve never had the luxury of relying on a thousand words, but I’ve missed the deadline several times because I over-considered the words. Finished writing.
I suffer from writing my own essays, but I really enjoy listening to the teacher comment on other students’ essays. Suntech's students are indeed of high quality. They write many good essays. They may be able to quote from other sources, some may be majestic, some may be humorous, and some may win unexpectedly. I am astonished and ashamed of myself. Our Chinese teacher can only be a little lively when commenting on compositions.
The Chinese teacher’s surname is Tang, and we call her “glucose”—she can survive, but she no longer has the sweet nature of sugar. Her glucose level was 278, her lectures were too formal, and she regarded the words of the school leaders as gods, which made the originally young woman look sluggish. She was like a puppet without emotions, making the Chinese class completely devoid of humanistic color. Whenever she spoke, I seemed to hear the dull and boring sound of a machine operating with a chronic killing effect. Glucose is a foreigner and has been living in the single dormitory of the faculty. It seems that he has never even had a boyfriend. Students often say viciously that it's probably because she has no personality and no interest, that's why she didn't get married.
Most of Suntech's teachers are like Glucose. If you study hard with them, you can indeed learn a lot of solid basic knowledge and test-taking skills; however, they teach without any emotion and go straight to the topic to instill knowledge. We listen. It's no fun at all. Maybe I'm trying to make things difficult for others. After all, we can't expect everyone to have Xizhilang's ability to turn decay into magic. Moreover, it makes sense for teachers to give lectures with a cold face, just like the physics teacher said: "If I tell you jokes and gossip, of course you will be happy to listen. However, class is not about chatting. If I talk too much about gossip, I If you can’t complete your teaching tasks, you won’t be able to get into college!”
But there are times when these cold-faced teachers show their true nature. It was during a week-long group performance of "Quality Education" at the school.
In November, the school will be evaluated as a model school for quality education in the province. There is no such thing as quality education in China. To organize such a selection is just to find something to do, and to go to various schools to eat and drink. The schools are also happy to have a shining sign hanging at the school gate. Although it is a feint, the superficiality still needs to be sufficient. Therefore, during the week when the superiors came to inspect, we canceled the morning and evening self-study classes, and the third class every afternoon was a quality education class. That was a magical week. It was the week in my student life where I loved the classroom, the teacher the most, and enjoyed it the most.
The math teacher is recognized by us as having the best hypnotic effect in his lectures. Half of the class often falls down in his classes. But in the quality education class, the math teacher suddenly developed a unique sense of humor. He told us about the "magic square" problem in ancient Chinese mathematics, which was very interesting and fascinating. We all listened with great interest. For several days after that, everyone played the magic square duel.
The biology teacher is a fat man with an average appearance. Walking on the street, he would probably be thought of as a cook, and his lectures are average. But he is actually good at chalk calligraphy. He used colorful chalk to demonstrate various artistic fonts on the blackboard, and spoke eloquently, which gave us a lot of insight. It turns out that chalk writing is also an art. At the end of class, we looked at the beautiful chalk writing on the blackboard and gave the biology teacher a star-level warm applause.
The English teacher took us into the pronunciation laboratory and let everyone enjoy classic English songs.
We were surprised to find that this man in his thirties knew much more about European and American pop music than we did. His face suddenly comes to life and his poor taste in clothing begins to become a symbol of his personality. We also discovered for the first time that the English teacher's voice is so beautiful, and his speech can particularly arouse other people's emotions. It would be a waste of talent for this person not to become a DJ.
The Chinese teacher talks about ancient cultural knowledge. I still remember her telling us about the TV series "Journey to the West" in the episode "Che Chi Guo Fu". There was a question about guessing objects on the partition. Tang Monk guessed "a broken clock lost in a rag". When he opened the cabinet, he found a broken clock, but in fact "One bell" is the ancient saying for monk's robes. It was a mistake by the people who filmed the TV. Later, when the TV station showed it again, it was the re-filmed footage of the torn clothes. Upon hearing this explanation, we were a little surprised and admired the knowledgeable Glucose.
During that week, the teachers showed off their various martial arts skills, which impressed the students. However, a week later, the sign of the Quality Education Model School was hung outside the gate, and the quality education class ended. All the teachers returned to their original form, became hateful again, and became the targets of our curses. During class, we began to lose focus, fall asleep, and frequently looked at our watches in eager anticipation of the bell. I once again had the desire to be the Minister of Education: I would issue an order and all middle schools across the country would conduct quality education inspections every day.
You see, Glucose has started to write annoying essay questions like "Desire XX" again. It sounds like a semi-proposition and is open-ended, but we have been trained to be very cunning: it is best to write about the desire for peace, and then the desire to grow, the desire to transcend, the desire to be strong, and so on. Everyone writes and writes, but they are all the same. For example, I most wanted to write about longing for vacation, but in the end I wrote about longing for tranquility; the Chinese teacher of Class 5 also asked the same topic. Huo Yining suppressed his desire to get rich and wrote about longing for knowledge without conscience.
We have many desires, but reality does not allow it. Even the simplest desire of "my hand writes my mouth, my hand writes my heart" cannot be satisfied. When writing essays for the college entrance examination, speaking big words is more beneficial to getting higher scores than telling the truth, so you need to intensify your training on how to make big words sound like the truth. So everyone laughed at how old-fashioned the word "desire" was, as if they had no desires or desires. We know deep down how hypocritical we are.
One weekend afternoon, Huo Yining and I went to the wreath shop to play with Yu Qian. There was a cold and withered scene outside the window. The trees seemed to be sick and injured by the frost, with many sad eyes and cold black tears flowing all over them. A few overwintering fat sparrows were hopping under a fallen tree, happily pecking at the chestnut shells left by an unknown party on the ground. An ugly and lively little life, contented and never sad.
Yu Qian had a slight cold, but he still sat calmly at the table by the window and drew. I felt cold just looking at his pale fingers, and unconsciously pushed my hand deeper into his pocket.
Huo Yining is less promising than me. He shrinks his head, shrinks his hands and feet, and looks like he is prematurely aging. He said angrily: "I can't stand it anymore. My muscles have atrophied due to the cold! I remember it wasn't this cold before! God is so unkind! This world!"
"Tian Ruo Love is easy to grow old." Yu Qian said, getting up and pouring a cup of hot water for Huo Yining and me to warm our hands.
Huo Yining said: "Grandma, it's too painful to stay in this poor place! I must pass the college entrance examination! I must go to a warm place!"
Yu Qian asked: "Where to go?"
"Anywhere is better than here! Kunming, Shenzhen, Guangzhou, Hangzhou, any of them will do!"
"Haha, you are here College or travel? "
"College is the best time in life. Elementary school is too silly, middle school is too tiring, and college is the most leisurely and refreshing time. Wouldn't it be too unfair to study in a nice place where it's warm in the summer and cool in the summer?" Huo Yining had already made plans to play in the world for four years in college.
“You, in the third year of junior high, all I could see was Shangde, and I said that if I got into Shangde, my life would be complete. But after I finally got into Shangde, I started looking forward to college again, and I was always complaining. Do you think your life is interesting?" Yu Qian said.
"That's right." Huo Yining thought for a while and then said: "I was still too naive before, thinking that I would be happy after entering Suntech and that the university would be guaranteed. However, I found out after I actually entered. I still have to study, and I have to work harder, which makes me feel like a donkey all day long. Yu Qian, when will these dark days end?"
"There is no way, Chinese students? It's all hard and tiring. But I think college should be a little more free. Haha, don't expect too much, otherwise you will be even more disappointed." Yu Qian always talks like a big brother.
“My dad asked me if I wanted to go abroad. I said yes, but he said I had to learn English and take the TOEFL, which was also very difficult. I asked if I could go because those people who don’t speak like eagles and birds , places where Chinese is spoken, like Singapore or something? My dad said, then you should go to the Chinese Department of Cambridge University to study. I said yes, okay, but my dad looked down on me and said, a Chinese went to a foreign country. Isn't it embarrassing for you to learn Chinese? If you have the ability, become a teacher there.
”
“Hey, Cambridge is such a great university, you can get in and study in any department without any loss!” ”
“Is Cambridge good? ”
“You are so uneducated! Cambridge and Oxford are the two best universities in the UK, just like Tsinghua and Peking University in China and Harvard and Yale in the United States. "Yu Qian shouted.
"When I watched the movie "Chariots of Fire", I felt that the houses in Cambridge were quite old and dilapidated. ”
“That’s called a monument, it’s called history, it’s called tradition! Did you know that even Newton graduated from Cambridge? ”
“Oh? So awesome? But how could I dare to pursue the same goal as Newton? When I was in the first grade of elementary school, I really thought about becoming a scientist and making contributions to all mankind, but that would be too young and ignorant. Now, I am satisfied that I can study in a first-class university in our own territory. People are so boring. The older they get, the less imaginative they become and the less ideal they become. ”
“Isn’t your dream to be an actor? It wouldn't be bad to get admitted to the Beijing Film Academy or something. ”
“My dad wouldn’t let me do it, saying that being an actor is just a matter of youth, and the glory is only temporary, and no one will care about me when I get older. Nowadays, the literary and art circles are in chaos and there are many disputes. He doesn't want to see news scolding his son in the newspapers. Alas, my father didn’t respect my ideals at all and thought I was being willful and random. My dad also sarcastically said that he would just give me a chance to be an extra and enjoy the fun. "
"Haha, soldier A, eunuch B, villager C! "
"Haha! "
Yu Qian saw me sitting aside in a daze for a long time without speaking, so he asked: "Vera, why don't you speak? What are you thinking about?" ”
“I am using spiritual victory to defeat the cold. "I said. When I spoke, I was reluctant to open my mouth too wide, for fear that air would leak in and freeze my mouth.
"Haha," Huo Yining laughed and asked, "What kind of strategy? "
"I sang silently in my heart: The sun is coming out, I am so happy..."
"Hahahahahaha! "They both laughed together.
I also laughed. When the laughter filled the small wreath shop, the room seemed much warmer.
"Vera, it's your birthday. Almost there. I was in the third grade of junior high school last year and was too busy to have a good time. I will make up for it this year. "As he said this, Yu Qian checked the calendar: "Thursday, the 24th, let's celebrate your birthday. ”
“It’s for our birthday. "I said with a smile.
Yu Qian also smiled and nodded lightly.
Huo Yining shouted: "By the way, Yu Qian, you carved a carving for Vera last year. Muyu, but you didn’t carve it for me on my birthday this year, that’s too biased! You have to give me one! "Yu Qian's hand is really skillful. Each wooden fish he carved has a different style, which is simple yet vivid. Huo Yining and I couldn't put it down.
"Okay, I will spend this week. Just carve it out for both of you. ”
“Haha, okay, on the 24th, we will come find you as soon as the evening study period ends. Let's go eat hot pot and drink wine! Hehe, life has to go like this, there is still something to look forward to! "Huo Yining rubbed his hands and said excitedly.
Yes, the older you get, the more troubles you have, the thinner your happiness, and the less free you are. Only these days when three people get together are so beautiful. Like the long-awaited festival, we can rest and comfort our bodies and minds. Without the festival, it would be impossible to survive the tedious days.
Half a month has passed. It’s time to comment on the composition.
The general process is that Glucose asks the students to read their excellent compositions, and then she makes a concluding speech after everyone makes comments. .
At the end of the day, Glucose picked up a notebook on the podium and said slowly: "This time, one of my classmates wrote something very special. The article has a rough, emotional beauty, and is very talented and passionate. The most valuable thing is that there is a bloody sincerity and pain in it, which shocked and moved me. If I saw this article when I was marking the college entrance examination, I would not hesitate to give it full marks. However, I am not confident about the fate of such an article in the hands of other teachers. Well, I’m really helpless. "
Glucose paused for a while and looked down at her feet. She looked like a female student who had just entered college, apologizing to everyone for something she had no control over. We were shocked. Who is so capable of turning glucose into something human?
“I’m not sure if this classmate is willing to expose such true words to everyone. But I really don’t want everyone to lose the opportunity to appreciate a beautiful article. Now I will read this essay, and I will not name this classmate. The title is "Longing for a Gun." "
"Longing for a Gun"
Longing for a gun. A gun in the hand of Van Gogh.
Since you are in so much pain, my dear Van Gogh, then let me pull the trigger for you. Let me make the only mistake in your life: killing a kind and innocent person. The sound of gunfire echoed through the sky of Al. The villagers will gather around, the fat police will come, your Theo will cry beside you, and I will look at your body and smile alone. You will successfully ascend to heaven, and I will miss you in hell. ’s paintings, your letters, your warmth and tenderness
A gun that framed Martin Luther King.
Let me take this gun and be that cold-blooded assassin. My poor marksmanship would cause bullets to miss their target, hit walls or fly out of windows. I would run away with my gun in my hand, I would be arrested and put on trial, or I would be shot dead on the spot. No matter what. The important thing is that the news of 1968 will be rewritten; and the dark-skinned man is still breathing, he can continue to dream and pursue his dreams.
Longing for a gun. A gun that worshiped John Lennon.
I am that crazy fan, carrying this ridiculous gun, lurking in the idol's apartment. Let my hand holding the gun tremble, let me hesitate in front of the genius I admire, let me regain my sense in the cry of my child, let me finally put down the gun and turn around and leave. Yes, I turned around and left. The gun was still in my pocket, and later it served me well and scared away a gangster; but Lennon's heart was still beating, and he lived peacefully with his lover, son, guitar, sunshine, and plants.
God, please give me the gun I desire.
Longing for a gun. A shocking gun.
I am holding this extraordinary gun, aiming at the mediocre land, breaking through the silence and the barrenness. Hit with a huge sound. Strike out a new pattern, strike out a black lightning, strike out the most beautiful eyes on the earth. There is life in every material that is struck out, and love is present in every life that is struck out.
Crush a pale pink snow mountain that can grow taller or bend down. The snowflakes have beautiful double eyelids, and their eye shadows are the colors of the rainbow; when their eyes blink, a colorful storm will blow at the foot of the mountain. Storms don't happen too often, because the cobalt blue volcano next to the snow-capped mountains sings and dances all night long, making the snowflakes reluctant to blink. All flames are good at singing love songs, and every snowflake loves a flame.
Out of the rose-colored ocean, the cream cake lying next to the sea is called a beach. The beach is proud and inferior at the same time, admiring the popcorn-like clouds. On the beach are naked humans and fish with long legs, drinking drinks made from fresh fruits and watching the clouds bend down to offer a mellow kiss to their lovers. Both humans and fish are beautiful. They have only one skin color: healthy. They have only one expression: laughter. They only care about one thing: love. They have only one age: young. They experience only one kind of time: eternity.
God, please give me the gun I desire.
Longing for a gun. A gun loaded with six bullets.
The gunshot rang out, bang! Bang! ——One bullet hit my left ear and one hit my right ear. Deaf and bleeding, I stood quietly by Beethoven's piano, watching how my deaf brother created notes of joy in deathly silence. The gun was still in my hand, and my ears were instantly filled with happiness.
Bang! Bang! ——One bullet hit my left eye and one bullet hit my right eye. With red tears in my eyes, I was full of poetry, imitating Homer's thoughts and lips, and recited gorgeous sentences to form a tragic poem, which moved the earth and sky, and captured the rain and wind. The gun is still in my hand, and my eyes can no longer see the desolation.
There are two bullets left, one for my heart and one for your temple. Yes, it's you, you, my God. Lo and behold, the cheap pistol I picked works well, is mean enough, and is fast enough. The meanness is to match your cruel crime, the speed is to match my perfect murder.
God, let me declare your crime: you gave me life, but let my parents disappear; you gave me beauty and money, but spared me love and blessings; you gave me poetry and music , but you left my beloved geniuses homeless; you gave me the right to dream, but deprived me of the opportunity to realize my dream; you created humans, but taught them stupidity, selfishness, jealousy, laziness, hypocrisy, greed, and taught them to be like you Callous; you make people suffer and you always get away with it.
God, let me carry out your sentence: shooting. immediately. immediately. Now. Yes, right now.
But the gun is not in my hand. I didn't get the gun I longed for. No. I can't kill God, I can't even kill myself. The good things are still easy to die young, and the rotten things continue to fester endlessly; the absurd life continues, and death is waiting in front; the pain is surrounding life, and there is no way out. My wounded eyes are filled with sorrow and my soul is filled with fear. It started to rain heavily in the dark sky, and I started crying loudly.
Clenching Mephisto’s teeth, the will in my heart made a weak but uncompromising voice: longing for a gun, longing to kill God.
Longing for a gun.
I have finished reading the article. We are silent collectively.
After a long time, it was Glucose who spoke first: "Does anyone want to say something about this?"
No one raised their hands. We remain silent.
The harsh bell broke the silence.
Glucose sorted out the pile of composition books in front of her, and I noticed that she inserted that special composition book into the middle. Then, she said calmly: "For self-evident reasons, the teacher does not support everyone writing essays like this during the college entrance examination. During the college entrance examination, you still have to write something sunny, positive, and not too eccentric.
However, I sincerely offer hope here, hoping that you will maintain your inner sensitivity and passion, maintain the sharpness of your thinking and critical edge, and maintain your anger and compassion. Okay, study committee member, hand out the notebook. That’s it for this class, get out of class is over. ”
After saying these words, Glucose walked out of the still silent classroom.
In the noisy corridor, Huo Yining and I leaned against the window to chat. .
“Glucose read a very special essay in our class today. On the topic of desire. "
"How? "
"The teacher did not name that person because the article was too sincere and painful. Not everyone is willing to show their inner world. ”
“Oh? Is it very sad and perverted? "
"No. Not perverted. But it is indeed sad and beautiful. The man wrote about longing for a gun. Longing for a gun to kill God. ”
“Isn’t this perverted? "
"Oh, I can't tell you clearly. Anyway, it is a very beautiful and painful text. I was shocked. ”
“Oh, teenagers, no matter how painful they are, how much pain can they get? It's not just idle moaning. "
"No, I can see that the person who wrote the article is really in pain. You suffer because of your own kindness and because of the malice of others. And, I think, she still maintains her kindness. "
"Who is that person? "
"I guess it's Di Xia. ”
“Just that pretty girl who beats others half to death? "
"Oh, how can I tell you? Those people also deserve their punishment. If someone spread rumors about me like that, I would be furious. She must have been driven out of her wits and so heartbroken with hatred that she would act so cruelly. "
"Those don't seem to be rumors, they are true. Haven't you seen how she has changed now? ”
“Yes, those are true, so what? Who did she hurt? Is it her fault that she is an illegitimate daughter? Should her misfortune be a reason for others to attack and bully her? Isn't it true that a person can never escape from her birth and past? "
"Hi, hi, classmate Ni Weila, please don't be so excited. It’s not that I have trouble with that person named Di Xia. Besides, it doesn't matter to you whether she is being bullied or bullying others? "
"Oh, I really can't tell you clearly. If you had read that essay, you wouldn't be so indifferent. ”
Yes, I think we are just too indifferent.
(Xu Lu