"Fragments of Memory about Chen Fei—Deng Lei"
To use a word from Fan Ming's sister: I have been aphasic for too long. There are many reasons and I don’t want to go into details. I am writing now because I cannot help but write. The death of a special teacher and friend completely disrupted my life. Only by pouring out some of the things accumulated in my heart can I sort out the messy emotions and welcome the new year with a calm mind.
——Preface 1
Since Chen Fei’s death, Wu Qiang told me several times that he must write something. In fact, my mentality is still messy at the moment, and my thoughts are still not fully concentrated. However, there are countless topics I want to write about Chen Fei. I wanted to refuse, but I didn't dare to miss this special memorial, so I could only write it down casually, letting my thoughts flow. Fortunately, everywhere I went, there were traces of memory, all related to Chen Fei.
——Preface 2
Five hours after Chen Fei left, I was assigned to make a film about his life.
I think there should be no one better suited to do this than me. Since joining "Living Space" in 1995, I have always been under his command and have almost never left for thirteen years. All the concepts, techniques, and experiences I create come from his training and influence.
Starting at around eight o'clock in the morning, his photos were sent over one after another by colleagues from the old "Living Space", by the original department, by the current department, and by all collectors.
We have searched out the images and sounds he left behind bit by bit from the Internet and deep in our memories.
Then, I began to quickly organize all the materials and weave them into pieces.
When I sat in front of the editing machine, I realized how cruel this actually was.
I can't calm myself down at all. Every piece of material will make me fall deeply into the memories that I can't extricate myself from. The moment his voice and smile appear, I can't help but burst into tears. The movements of hands and feet that were as clear and familiar as yesterday will never be seen again. When the beautiful woman leaves, all the regrets, all the retentions, and all the helplessness need to start from today, slowly settle, quietly seal, and then be locked into the river of memory - even though he is the person who changed the trajectory of my life. , the person who rewrote the cycle of my destiny, the person who helped me find my professional faith. In the afternoon, Zhuang Dianjun came over to read the commentary I had written. After reading a few lines of words, his eyes became red, and after speaking a few words, he choked up. He talked about Chen Fei’s work in the "Observation and Thinking" column. Story: He was young and quick-thinking at the time, and many programs had a special meaning at that time. He asked me to ask Zhang Bingbing and Ye Xiaolin, both colleagues who had fought alongside Chen Fei. I went to chat with the infantryman again, and the infantryman's memory was so clear at that moment: Chen Fei has done many programs. The peak period of his creation was in the early 1990s. Chen Fei's biggest characteristic is that he is good at observation and analysis. "Late Release" "Report" was originally a topic that used positive publicity as the starting point for the interview, but Chen Fei came to the opposite conclusion in the preliminary research...
After talking about the past, we all wanted to say something more. For a long time, I Say to the infantry: From now on you smoke less and take care of yourself! He nodded and said to me: each other!
There are also several tapes of Chen Fei’s lectures. I wanted to select a few paragraphs from the same period, but there was really no way to listen and record them calmly. I gave the tapes to Lu Min and asked her to help me sort them out. After a while, Hu Heng came over and told me: Lu Min was in the editing room, wearing headphones, crying while watching the material...
The film was not completed until around seven o'clock in the morning on the 24th. A fifteen-minute show, I've never tried to do it that long. That night, Lao Bi, Gao Wei, Chen Zhuqiang and others kept vigil for Chen Fei. I walked into the memorial hall in the south courtyard several times, looked at his photos, and wanted to write something in the guestbook, but I stopped writing several times. At this moment, we are really looking at each other from another world. His face seems to be deep in thought and wants to talk. I always feel that he will come over and talk to me at any time: Lao Deng, what's the matter, are we in good health recently? I went home and slept for a while. I hadn’t slept for more than 20 hours since Chen Fei left, but I wasn’t sleepy at all. When I closed my eyes, it was like Chen Fei was smoking while reviewing movies: He was very involved, what kind of He is not perfunctory in the program; he is very attentive, he will remember the scenes of all the shots and the slight differences in wording in the commentary; he is very emotional and easily sheds tears when watching the movie - Liu Hongbo made the "V" sign during SARS The expressions when making gestures, the old Red Army's experience of life and death moments during the Long March, the excitement and helplessness of Chinese lawyers in the lawsuit against Japan... At noon, Ge Ping borrowed more information tapes with images of Chen Fei. Among the information, Chen Fei's roles are constantly changing: editor Chen Fei, writer Chen Fei, cameraman Chen Fei, producer Chen Fei, chief producer Chen Fei... The early tapes have been demagnetized and have scratches in many places, like a The rings of years circle through a person's full devotion and dedication in the work he loves. After adding all the materials, another version of the film was changed, and by the time Sun Zheng finished making the music, it was almost three o'clock in the morning. Sitting there, I watched the film again and again. Every scene could bring back a long and distant memory. In the various personnel forms filled out several times over the years, the name in the column of my recommender has always been Chen Fei.
One day in the spring of 1995, in Changchun, Northeast China, I received a strange phone call. The caller said: I am Chen Fei. I just watched a program in which you participated in the national awards. Are you willing? Adapt it into a six-episode Living Space? I said: OK, OK. After chatting on the phone for ten minutes, Chen Fei said: I am wondering if you would like to join "Living Space" after finishing the show?
I said: OK, OK.
This phone call made me embark on the road to Beijing a week later, and also allowed me to officially quit my original job half a year later and became a documentary director, allowing me to settle down from now on. In Beijing, I started a new journey of my life here, which cut off all my past and future, made me one of Chen Fei’s countless disciples, and made Chen Fei my belief in life and filmmaking.
I still have a record of Chen Fei’s film review when I first came to "Living Space" - my first film, Chen Fei reviewed eight pages, from the transition method to the length of the shots. The semantics of "," the meaning of different scenes, and the control of interviews... From then on until now, as long as Chen Fei is reviewing a film, I will never miss it when I can listen; from then on to this day, a mentality continues: no matter it is As long as Chen Fei comes to review any program, his mentality will always coexist with anxiety and expectation. Even though one day later, he told me that my cutting skills have become proficient, and even though I myself have started to review other people's programs, but... As long as Chen Yu is reviewing the film, my mood never changes. The "Living Space" column has been working on the campus of Beijing Medical University for many years. At that time, few people drove. Every spring, when the peach blossoms were in bloom, we would occasionally take a walk on campus. In the first year of working there, I was often scolded by Chen Fei, so Lao Bi still remembers that many times when we all walked out together, when he turned around, he could see me passing by the brilliant peach blossoms while wiping tears. Later, he and Liu Hongyan went to Chen Fei specifically and said: Stop talking so harshly about Deng Lei. Later, Chen Fei told me seriously: I decided to change my attitude towards you, because the more severe I am, the less confident you are. For a person with your personality, encouragement is probably more effective. Later, Chen Fei suddenly said to me: I found you coming out. ——Coming out means that I have touched the threshold of creation.
For a long time, Chen Fei never expected praise. However, as long as he finished reviewing the film, he was willing to sit there and talk endlessly for several hours, and there would be a kind of peace and tranquility in his heart. A sense of accomplishment. The most terrifying thing is that after reading it, he said nothing and then said: That's it, let's put it together! That means that Chen Fei gave up - he gave up, which means that the film can no longer be modified - because Chen Fei can clarify all your materials and understand your early stage from the finished film. In the creative state, if he gives up, it means that you have taken the wrong path from the early stage. Every time at this time, I would persistently beg him: Please just say it, I will try another version! Chen Fei usually sighs, frowns, and then starts talking from the beginning. Many people have read Chen Fei's words, "Making a film starts with being a human being," from his interviews, but I have slowly come to understand it from working with him for more than ten years. When I first arrived at "Living Space", I was arrogant, impetuous, and egotistical. When Chen Fei pointed out the problems in the film, I always rushed to defend myself: I didn't take that shot because I didn't have the tape, and I didn't write that sentence because the subject was not photographed. Jean said that the lack of status was because someone ruined the atmosphere of the scene... At the beginning, Chen Fei listened patiently. Until one time, when I was explaining hurriedly, Chen Fei said softly: Your film is not just Show me, you are showing it to the entire audience, can you explain all the reasons to them?
After that, I learned not to make excuses for my mistakes.
I speak fast and have a lot to express. Many times when Chen Fei is speaking, I will interrupt and say what I want to say. One night when I was reviewing the film, when I was busy expressing my thoughts, Chen Fei said: In fact, you haven’t been listening to what I said. The reason why you listened to me is to find a way to find my breaking point, and then put it into perspective. Tell me what you think. This is another way of talking.
After that, I began to learn to listen.
... ...Before me and after me, several choreographers were trained by him in this way. Some people realized it right away, while others needed a long period of time. I probably belong to the kind of person who realizes things later, so after he left and the pain in my soul slowly seeped out and deepened, I could sort out what a person like Chen Fei meant to me as an individual. significance. In our lives, the trajectory of our destiny will always change because we get to know someone. Chen Fei is such a person to me.
In the process of our growth, there will always be moments when we are wandering at the crossroads of life, feeling full of ambitions but also looking around at a loss. Then, we will find our own direction because of the guidance of someone, and then this person will , will become part of your own beliefs.
For me, Chen Fei is such a person.
After bidding farewell to the body and finishing all the details, I returned home. It was already evening, and I lay down on the bed and began to fall asleep.
There is still Chen Fei in the dream, still reviewing films. This seems to have become a fixed and permanent image, and it seems to be a symbol of his growth for me.
I had always resisted the fact that he was sick, and even when I knew the cancer had spread I still believed he would recover. I am very happy that I did not shed tears in front of him after he became ill. In the last time he could see me clearly, I smiled and waved goodbye to him. At this moment, I often suddenly feel that he is still alive, and his unique ups and downs voice when reviewing films can be vaguely heard in the computer room. This is his inheritance, the memory and wealth he left to everyone. After I became the editor-in-chief, when I complained to him that I could not focus on making films as much as before, he encouraged me and said: You have a bigger platform. This is an amplification of your thoughts and another way of creation. . Now, I am thinking: After he is gone, how much can we inherit all his wisdom and inspiration, the sparks of his former thoughts, his understanding of life, and his understanding of the world? How much can we experience it?
It was already late at night when I got home on the 24th. I told my husband about the people who came to mourn Chen Fei after he passed away. My husband listened and said: This is what Chen Fei deserves. After all, he is a new kind of person in China. The original TV program in the form of "Eastern Time and Space" and one of the founders. I was a little surprised by my husband's comments, because I rarely talk about Chen Fei with him, because my husband's major is sports and he knows very little about documentaries. He said that he had read Sun Yusheng's "Ten Years" and there were many things in it. The paragraph mentioned Chen Fei, and Chen Fei went to the sports channel to give lectures. Many people there still talk about it, saying that he has quick thinking, his witty words, and his wisdom and sharpness. , saying that he is destined to be the kind of person who is unforgettable even if he meets him once.
I suddenly felt an inexplicable sense of relief.
Slowly calm down, then sort it out from the beginning, and then start writing about Chen Fei. Just like making a film about Chen Fei's life, it took a long time to slowly accumulate bits and pieces. Suddenly I remembered a poem I wrote in the commentary when Chen Yu was reviewing the film at the beginning of the year:
Music is the same as coffee
Poetry is the same as flowing water
You The mood is the same as the road
The distance between you and me
It is the same as life
Chen Fei said, if the poem is well written, ask me what is good about it. Before I could answer, Chen Fei explained: That's because life can be long or short, far or near. The physical space between people has been brought infinitely close by technology, but the souls can still be thousands of miles apart. Thousands of water.
At this moment, our lives are separated by yin and yang, and the two lives are facing each other.
That’s it for now. Many friends asked me where Chen Fei’s grave will be located. In addition to the physical place where his ashes are placed, I know that there will be a place left for him in everyone’s heart for different memorials and different thoughts. Different memories.
And, different ways of understanding quality of life.