The Hungry Daughter is the autobiography of writer Hong Ying, published in 1997, and set in his hometown in Chongqing. Hong Ying unreservedly wrote his early growth experience into words, calmly and sharply wrote down the serious lack of material and the extreme exposure of human nature in that special historical period ... They are like sharp hooks, which hook the reader's heart and make him suffer. It was a time of hunger. Under that background, people's bodies are hungry, their spirits are hungry and even their souls are hungry.
Physical and mental hunger begins in the womb.
The book begins with a mystery. Liu Liu always felt a pair of eyes staring at her when she was at school, but those eyes didn't feel malicious. They followed her for years.
Liu Liu is the sixth child in her family. She lives with her family in a dirty, crowded and noisy slum and sleeps in the same bed with her brother and sister every day. Such a home has no privacy or even dignity.
"Every night I always struggle from one dream to another, screaming, sweating and waking up as if I were seriously ill. In my dream, I was always too hungry to find a job, but I smelled rice. I cried quietly, afraid of being known, and I couldn't wait to kneel down to everyone with a bowl. For a bowl, in order to arrive at the fragrant braised pork as soon as possible, I am willing to kneel down to those who have bullied me. "
Liu Liu always feels hungry, and her stomach always seems to be twisted together from time to time, which makes her very uncomfortable.
From the late 1950s to the early 1960s, China experienced a great famine, and there was a serious shortage of food. Many people even chew bark to eat Guanyin soil because of hunger, and even make barbecued pork buns with human flesh. It was at that time that Liu Liu's mother was pregnant with her, and she had stored deep memories of hunger in the womb. After birth, even if you don't have to endure extreme hunger, your diet is poor because of poverty, and your stomach has never really been full.
Liu Liu felt the rejection of her brother and sister when she was very young. She thought that just because her mother had an extra mouth when she was pregnant, they would get less food. Later, it was discovered that the complexity of things far exceeded her imagination.
As she grew older, Liu Liu felt like an extra child. Mother's attitude towards her is neither doting nor conniving. "It seems that I am a child of someone else's family to visit, and I can't explain it if I am wrong." Father will beat and scold his younger brother and sister, but he will neither be angry nor blame her. She felt like an orphan who had lost her parents.
"I think I may disappoint them. An uncontrollable event should not have come to this world." She felt that her mother didn't want to have her at first. At the same time, she hates her mother's untidy behavior and doesn't want to call her mother behind her back. They never give each other a smile. She hates her mother to death.
When my father suffered from eye diseases and lost his job, the burden of life fell on my mother. My mother is busy making a living and my father is conscientious, but there is always a kind of indifference and alienation to 66. Their home was always looked down upon by outsiders, and Liu Liu never understood why. She just longs for the communication and warmth between her relatives, which is actually a luxury. She grew up in the long-term indifference of her parents, the indifference of her brothers and sisters and the abuse of her neighbors. As she discovered some small and amazing secrets, the big secrets about this family were slowly uncovered by her. 17 years old, she met the first bright spot in her life.
Father's absence, abnormal love
He is like a light in her poor life. He is a history teacher, almost twice her age.
"I only know that the first feeling is that I hate him for not paying attention to me. I hate it. "
Liu Liu started reading novels in history class and deliberately violated discipline to attract his attention. Later, as she wished, she went in and out of the history teacher's office many times because of violation of discipline. In the process of continuous communication, Liu Liu gradually fell in love with this teacher, his cleanliness and neatness, his clean cotton shirt; Like his profound knowledge, his home is always full of books and newspapers, and his mouth always spits out some incomprehensible poems; Like his father's age, he has a calm power ... how different she is from his usual sloppy, vulgar and tired people. He irrigated her spiritual wasteland.
She has never been kissed and caressed by her parents or siblings. Like strangers, they accompanied her day and night. She even dreamed of being kissed and then being awakened. Her skin is thirsty, and the lack of touching also caused her insecurity to some extent. Long-term lack and depression made her suffer. The history teacher is the first man she has contacted except her father for a long time. Such closeness made her feel the comfort and "love" she had never felt before, and her long-buried longing and longing were aroused.
During the Cultural Revolution, the history teacher who was alienated from his wife and daughter was suppressed. After the girl stubbornly broke into his life, her spiritual and physical desires were aroused. He teased Liu Liu intentionally or unintentionally, trying to teach her to swim, hoping to touch her body; Give her a textbook of human organs, on the one hand, because she wants to learn sexual knowledge, on the other hand, she has an instinctive lust for her. This brave girl can turn her back on her happiness. One day, she knocked on the door of the history teacher's house alone. When she collapsed on his bed naked, he hesitated for the girl's future. He is afraid of hurting her, but he longs for her strongly.
"I just want today to be yours and be with you." Liu Liu said firmly. In this way, they are intertwined Liu Liu wants a lover's father from him.
"Old enough to comfort me, wise enough to enlighten me, to communicate with me on an equal footing, to cherish me, to pity me, and to stand up for my humiliation." Liu Liu thinks this is the love of the perfect man, and her relationship with the history teacher fills some inner emotional holes, but this is not true.
Girls are reborn in passion, but middle-aged men are close to death.
The secret of life, an unbearable burden
Liu Liu's mother finally had no intention of continuing to hide it. /kloc-On her 0/8 birthday, her mother told her the secret of life. 66' s world collapsed.
It turns out that Liu Liu is an illegitimate daughter, and the mysterious person who followed her has always been her biological father. There is love between father and mother. However, in order to take care of the adoptive father and many children with poor eyesight, the mother chose to stay at this home. According to the law, a biological father cannot see his own daughter when he is a minor. My mother fell into a fierce contradiction and finally chose to give birth to her. So my mother was accused of being a bad woman and shamed the whole family. She finally understood why her father was conscientious but indifferent to her, her brothers and sisters alienated her and complained about her, and her neighbors pointed fingers at her family.
Liu Liu thinks that her birth is disgusting, not lovely, which is the root of her real hunger.
Shortly after learning the truth, the history teacher hanged himself because of political pressure. Her emotional sustenance is as fleeting as fireworks.
I have never seen my biological father, and I lack emotional communication with my adoptive father. No matter how perfect the history teacher is, she is just a lover. The love that three "fathers" get is incomplete.
The blow of life experience, history teacher's suicide and unexpected pregnancy made Liu Liu bear an unbearable burden. She felt helpless and no longer belonged to this family and this place. She doesn't want to live numbly in a dirty and narrow yard. She doesn't want to submit to humiliation after marrying a farmer or a lowly man like her sisters. She wants to put all this behind her and look for a new life in the wider world. She aborted her child, left home and went far away, trying to find love and redemption. She wandered outside, studied writing, wrote poems and novels, and interacted with different artists ... Because of her excellent creative talent, she slowly lived a better life on the basis of the manuscript fee and got rid of physical hunger, but her desire for love remained in the depths of her soul.
She found love, which is the inner light.
66 is Hong Ying. After leaving his hometown, Hong Ying became a poet and writer. When she was thirty-five, she lived in London and decided to write an autobiographical novel about herself, which was The Hungry Daughter.
Living far away from home can't completely wash away the pain brought to her by growing up, but the memories of past life emerge in her mind more clearly and concretely. She used a pen as a scalpel to cut and analyze herself bit by bit, revealing her history and pain. The creative process was calm but painful.
She wrote down what she really saw and felt about the people around her, but there was no strong criticism or complaint. Although this process is extremely painful, it is also a healing process. Before and after writing, her severe depression broke out and then gradually improved.
After leaving her hometown in Chongqing, she also had a failed marriage. Influenced by her family background, she married a man about her father's age and was treated unfairly in the marriage. Only after the divorce did she really understand that she was looking for a lover and husband, not an ideal father.
In the process of writing this novel, she is still in the exploration stage of finding the answer, and her understanding of her mother is not thorough, but her hatred of the past has faded. At the same time, I have more understanding and sympathy for my father, brothers, sisters and neighbors. She bravely chose to face her own history, the history of her elders, and slowly reconciled with her past. Later, there were "Good Daughter Flowers" and "Little Girl" one after another. Her writing is getting softer and softer, and her understanding of family and love is getting deeper and deeper.
Today, Hong Ying has a good life, living in a big house on the outskirts of London with a garden outside. She has a lovely husband and a little daughter. She has her own desk and bookshelf. She also likes writing, decorating the home, raising her daughter and cooking food. She lives in a rich world of fireworks. Before the interview, she smiled so brightly that people could not help wondering: Has she really experienced such a cruel life? In essence, she has put the past behind her. She is no longer the child who is always hungry. Time and action will heal her wounds. Yes, she once endured severe hunger, but the lack of love is a thing of the past. She is a proud flower in the slum, trying to bloom in the sun. What brought her to this day is her unparalleled courage, persistence and enthusiasm for life.
Perhaps, at some point, the shadow of hunger will still emerge on her. However, there is a strong light inside her.