I'm not an expert either, but I read more ancient poems. I'll give you some advice. Let's study together.
First of all, you don't write about lawyers, so I won't say much about level playing and antithesis, but I would like to express my humble opinion on the artistic conception and expressed emotion of each sentence for your reference.
in the first sentence, the artistic conception is very atmospheric, giving people a tragic and desolate feeling. But in this sentence, the word Yang needs to be scrutinized. What is the sound in the rustling wind? Lack of a clear object, if it is a song, then the contrast between the song and the wind is too great. In the rustling wind, the song is hard to hear. The word "rustling wind" should express the autumn scenery, which contradicts the following spring scenery and needs to be tapped. Because the wind in spring is rarely described by rustling, it is generally described by spring breeze, spring breeze blowing gently, spring breeze warming and so on.
The second sentence, no problem, very good
The third sentence, the oblique swallow is in the form of flying, and it can't be pecked when flying, so the language logic needs to be scrutinized. What does it mean to peck at tears? What are you pecking at It's fuzzy.
The fourth sentence, which expresses a very happy look, is incompatible and contradictory with the tears in front and the loneliness behind, and the whole sentence needs to be revised.
The fifth sentence, leaning, generally refers to leaning, such as leaning on the diagonal bar alone, where the word leaning needs to be modified. The word "death in the south" lacks momentum, which is a bit out of tune with the wind rustling in front.
In the sixth sentence, what is a hidden boat? Not easy to understand.
in the seventh sentence, it's hard to understand if you hate less. What does it mean?
Eighth sentence, looking back at the bright moon, it turns too fast. Why did it suddenly arrive at night? Lack of necessary transition.
Young man, I have given you so many opinions. I wonder if you can agree with me? If you feel sad when writing this poem, then according to this idea, with the autumn as the background, I will modify it for you, which is regarded as communication.
the wind is rustling in the sky
the chrysanthemums are swaying in the mist and rain
flying in the south of the sky in an oblique way is sad.
When will you return to spring and smile heartily?
Leaning on the diagonal bar to send you away from the shadow
Crossing the bridge in a canoe for thousands of miles
Tears stop and watch the sunset
Looking back at the bright moon, I am happy
Hehe, the change is not very good either, let's communicate.