My mother loves me the most in the world. Every time I think of her name, it warms my heart, followed by guilt everywhere.
I prayed silently that if there was an afterlife, I could still be my mother's son.
I prayed silently that if there was an afterlife, I prayed that my mother would never be my mother again.
I prayed like this at least three times, very seriously!
Stupid boy!
Yes, I am really a stupid boy.
Mother once said, "The bear knocks at the door-it's silly!" " ! It happened that she gave me the nickname "Bear".
How old was I that summer? Four or five years old? I ran in and out barefoot and cut my foot by broken glass on the ground. The mother said distressfully, "The wound is as big as a child's mouth. You stay at home by yourself, and mother is in the valley. "
I won't, so I'll grab fine soil and scatter it on the wound. The soil is wet with blood, then grab it, then wet it, and then sprinkle it until the blood no longer gushes out.
Mother bought a popsicle and stuffed it in my hand: "If you have to follow, go by yourself, but mother can't hold it!" " "I nodded, just eating popsicles, temporarily forget the pain.
The popsicles were quickly eaten up. Blood from the wound broke through the interception of sand and flowed out bit by bit. Pain and fear made me cry and refuse to walk.
It's over two kilometers. My mother hugged me, carried me, led me and carried a hoe. You see, I have been a stupid and willful child since I was a child!
1997 is the coldest winter in our family: my brother's marriage ran aground and my sister's marriage broke up. Mother completely collapsed and was bedridden.
For two months, she infused fluids from morning till night every day, and empty infusion bottles piled up in the corner like a wall.
A series of accidents and serious diseases made mother's health go from bad to worse. Since then, I have had a serious illness almost every winter, which has troubled us to a great extent.
However, after careful consideration, no matter how ill I was before, I didn't delay eating and drinking. When I was seriously ill in 2007, I didn't eat much for several days in a row, and even the favorite donkey meat was no longer useful.
Only when the two granddaughters are crying for grandma will the mother take a bite or two to "explain" to the two precious granddaughters.
This is obviously a sign of serious illness. But I didn't realize that I was still comforting my sister and brother: every year, just get through this period.
After the New Year, my sister returned to Hohhot with two children, and I returned to Jiangnan with my wife and daughter. My brother is busy driving a big truck to run long distances every day. Only the weak mother resisted the fierce disease alone until she was rushed to the hospital in a coma.
I can't remember how many years. Every winter, my mother's life is like a faint candle, which may be blown out by the wind at any time. This time, in the early spring of 2007, Death made up his mind. He took a deep breath and blew out the candle of his mother's life.
That early spring, everything in the world seemed the same. But my world is falling apart.
Alas! I am trapped in a dungeon of regret and guilt, and I can never redeem myself.
Many years later, my aunt told me: One winter, it snowed heavily, and the water in the kitchen tank turned into thin ice. Mother was ill and lay on the kang for two whole days, but she had nothing to eat. After seeing the old aunt called by the neighbor, my mother burst into tears: "Cook some eggs for my sister!" " "
Mom should have suffered many such grievances, but she never said, never said, never said. I owe my mother. I didn't notice her desolation earlier, didn't bring her to my side to take care of her, and didn't send my mother to the hospital for treatment earlier.
How stupid I am!
For this reason, I prayed for the first time: "Don't be my mother in the next life, you should be the mother of a very smart boy, not a stupid boy like me!" " "
1985, I 13 years old, in grade five.
Fourth place in the final exam. When I got home, my mother was moving sawdust and shavings into the house. Her hair and clothes were covered with sawdust.
"fourth place!" Mother wiped her hands on the clothes, carefully received the certificates and prizes, and smiled from ear to ear: "Good son, mother will never say you are stupid again!" " !
My mother kept her word. Since then, she has never called me a "silly child", not once.
In 2007, after finishing my mother's funeral, I saw a newspaper clipping under the kang mat. It was a short article published in the supplement of a prefecture-level city newspaper when I first learned to write. The title is staring at mom. In the upper right corner of the newspaper, there is a mother's crooked but neat signature.
Mother can't read big characters, but she learned to write her own name. Because her son grew up and made great achievements, he remitted his hard-earned money and meager manuscript fee to his hometown again and again through the post office, while her mother clumsily signed her name on the remittance slip again and again.
I know that every money order for my manuscript fee, even if most of it is only twenty or thirty dollars, my mother will be reluctant to spend it: "This is written by children with lights on, which is more expensive than other money!"
Apart from these insignificant pride and happiness, have I brought any happiness to my mother?
Yes!
That summer, I had a whim to take my mother to the movies.
When I arrived at the cinema, my mother got stage fright: "So many people? It's too noisy, mom. Can this heart stand it? "
I said, "Go in first. If you feel uncomfortable, you can come out at any time! " "
My mother agreed, took my hand and walked into the cinema for the first time in my life. Much like when I was a child, I dragged her skirt to see an open-air movie.
The name of that movie is "Sniper for Life and Death", with the theme of war and action. Very wonderful, the scene is very shocking. The sound of the cinema is great. When there is an explosion and a fierce gun battle, the seat will shake slightly.
My mother was absorbed, and as the plot progressed, she was sometimes nervous and sometimes relaxed. Seeing the hero kissing his girlfriend after he survived, she smiled awkwardly.
Walking out of the cinema, my mother walked happily and briskly.
I asked, "Mom, was the movie good?"
"Nice, really nice!"
"Is it uncomfortable?"
"Not uncomfortable. Air conditioning is really cool. People in the city just like it! "
When I got home, my mother's joy was not over. "hey!" I took a swig of cold beer and said happily, "I'll come this time, I'll go to the movies, and I won't be wronged in my life!" " "
After my mother died, I watched Sniper for Life and Death many times. Every time, I feel that my mother is sitting next to me. After watching the movie, "Boom!" Take a swig of cold beer and say happily, "well, I'll watch a movie and I won't be wronged in my life!" " "
Such happiness, I give my mother too little! To this end, I have the same prayer for the second time: "Don't be my' Li Huanying' in the next life, you should be a better boy's mother, he can give you more pride and happiness!"
After taking part in the work, under the watchful eye of my mother, I went out of my house and village again and again, went to other distant villages, and returned to my hometown from thousands of miles away again and again.
Every time I just enter the house, I will shout excitedly, "Mom, I'm back!" " "
Every time I hear this sentence, my mother will reply loudly in the room: "OK, just come back!" " "
After my mother died, I lost everything in my hometown except the small grave, which is the only territory I have. Every time I go back to my hometown, it is definitely a big project to say "Mom, I'm home" at the grave.
In order to say this sentence well, I will always stand in front of the grave. I will drive my cousins away, wait for the tractors and carriages on the dirt road to go far away, wait for the wind to stop making noise temporarily, wait for the grass on the grave to stop swaying, and wait for the dust in the air to settle. I'll wait until it's completely quiet.
Then, fill a glass of wine, together with mother's favorite food, and put it in front of the grave, keep all the warmth in your body, take out all the hidden thoughts, let out all the guilt and regret, and gently say:
"Mom, I'm back!"
These few words, a short sentence, I only told my mother, just like when my parents were alive, all my worries and secrets were told to my mother for the first time.
I know, my mother will wake my sleeping father and tell him.
"Mom, I'm back!" Every sentence is a close call, as if I had exhausted all my savings in a foreign land, as if I had said it countless times before and practiced how to say it better at the grave.
Can this sentence cross the mountain of time, break through the heavy encirclement of soil and reach the mother's ear?
Alas! In this life, even forever, I will never hear my mother's familiar loud response: "Good, it's good to be back!" " "
Writing here, I can't help crying!
I started writing this article in the third year after my mother died. At that time, I had not recovered from my grief. These commemorative words are my own prescriptions. I write in memory, remember in writing, and heal in memory and writing.
Think, say, write, write, 2007-202 1. Sometimes I hate my writing: I try my best, but my handwriting is as clumsy as mine. This is the messenger I sent to greet and visit my mother. They are clumsy. Can you clearly express my unforgettable thoughts?
To this end, I had the same prayer for the third time: "mom, don't be my mother in the next life." You should be the mother of a boy who writes beautiful articles, not a stupid boy like me! " "
Don't! Do me a favor and be my mother in my next life. I will try to write more wonderful articles, I will give you more happiness, and I will make you more proud of me!