1 Hee Hee Tiwei Channel 5 Duan Xuan talks about football: "I'm really worried about them!"
2 Crossing the road the day before yesterday, BF rushed forward without looking at the lights , I thought it was a red light, so I reached out and grabbed him, shouting "Heart!!"
There were too many tractors...
3 Our teacher: "I This person never says it a second time, ah, a second time."
4 Customer Service: Which song do you want?
User: I want "Really Love You" sung by the Huang Family Dog.
Customer service:…………
5 When I was a freshman, I was not doing my job properly. I spent all day in the dormitory watching movies and playing games. One day after staying up late one day, I went to the school cafeteria, pointed at the buns and said: 3 buns, pack and download...
6 I was born as a hero, but died as a bear
7 In elementary school, I went to the teacher's house to make up lessons. , surrounded by children, I was bitten by a huge mosquito.
The teacher brought Fengyoujing and asked me, "Who bit you?" I answered: "Mosquito"... I repeated this question three times, and the teacher suddenly said: "Uh... I am I want to ask who the mosquito bit..."
8 I wanted to treat everyone to some peaches, but I happened to have no money, so I went to withdraw money from my card.
Arriving at the service desk, "Trouble, please, two pounds of peaches~~!!"
She and I were stunned~~~~
9 Remember I had just entered high school at that time. I went to the cafeteria to have breakfast in the morning. I was supposed to say, "Give me two buns" but later said, "Give me one bun, and..." The cook asked me, what else do I have? Then he said: "There is another bun"
At that time, that guy was looking at me with embarrassment
10. I went out with him and I drove. How did he go when we got to the intersection?
He pointed to the left with his finger and said: Turn right!!! Turn right!!!!!
< p> 11 It’s time to make up for it, but the oriole is behind...12 I went to see a movie with my friends, and when I bought the tickets, I blurted out: 5 tickets. My friend quickly pulled me and said, there are only 4 of us. I quickly said to the person selling tickets: Wrong, wrong, not 4 tickets, but 5 tickets. My friends all paused, quickly pulled me aside and quickly told them it was 4 cards.
It’s embarrassing, I already graduated from elementary school. . . . . .
13 The flood is like a group of prolapsed wild horses...
14 Once I was in CS at an Internet cafe. I wanted to ask the network administrator to bring me a bottle of green tea, but I was just hit in the head by an AK, so I casually shouted " "Network administrator, bring me an M16..."
15 We were chatting together about how we would spend our money in the future, and my colleague loudly said, I want to buy a "carved coat"
16 My friend complained that the cost of buying clothes recently was too high. Others said that he could go to XX to buy it. He replied that XX was expensive and not good-looking. The other person said it was not expensive. Look, my dress only cost 25. It looks good. He complimented her without thinking: You have so much star quality, you look like a 250 in 25 clothes.
17 I wanted to buy tomato-flavored Farmer Orchard, but I ended up saying: Boss, give me a bottle of Tomato Garden
18 When I was a child, I remember that I just came home from English class, and my mother He wanted me to review my studies quickly, so he said: My daughter! This learning must take advantage of the situation to be effective!
I thought for a long time that she wanted to strike while the iron is hot.
19 We are all grasshoppers tied to the same boat
20 I ate the things my mother bought for my grandpa
I was scolded
< p> I said something back: I said you were filial to grandpa, but I thought you were filial to me...Being chased
21 The junior high school teacher is very Oops, B and D can't be explained clearly.
Once I finished the question, I got the correct answer.
The class teacher said: The answer to the following question is "B(D)"
A classmate asked in a low voice: Is it B or D?
The head teacher said angrily: ABCD’s B(D)! ! !
The whole class was sweating to death
22 Classic slip of the tongue by roommates: I was washing my hair and cooking noodles at the same time. You see, when you came back, my head and noodles were cooked together...
Sweat...
23 When we organized a blood donation at school, we were lying side by side on a row of blood donation recliners. One of the boys started donating blood smoothly, but the blood When the blood flow was halfway through, it actually started to flow back from the blood bag back into the blood vessel. The doctor began to adjust the angle of the recliner for him, and while adjusting it, he asked his hands to force the blood to flow out.
While adjusting him, the doctor said: "Hard, hard, hard, it will come out soon~~~~" Haha, a group of us laughed on the spot. The boy looked innocent and depressed
p>24 The roommates came in with a CD: Do you want to watch "Hamlet and the Order of the Phoenix"? < /p>
26 When I was a child, I came back from kindergarten and learned a song called "Newspaper Selling Song" and performed it for my mother.
"Today's porridge is really good."
I bought it for seven coppers "Two cents full"
My mother thought that this porridge is quite expensive
27 Wife: You have never eaten pork, but you have always seen pigs running away.
Me: I didn’t run.
28 Once I ran to the east gate of the school to eat.
Walking into a noodle shop, there are many kinds of soup. I took a look and saw that this dish was interesting, so I pointed to the menu and said to the boss: Boss, I want this crow soup!
The people who went with me and the boss burst into laughter
~~~It turned out to be black-bone chicken soup~~~~~
29 I memorized the text:
The Red Army is not afraid of the difficulties of the expedition, and the people who have marched thousands of miles have not yet returned...
30 When I just gave birth to my baby, I was still in the hospital, looking at the baby in the crib with joy, and said: "Come on, sister Hug!”
At that time, I had not yet adapted to the fact that I was already a mother! As a result, everyone in the ward burst into laughter!
31 In a physics exercise class in high school, the teacher was very excited when he was talking about it. He said happily: "The conditions given in the questions are changing, but they remain the same. You see, I was just a kid." I have changed a bit, and now I am going to start to change a lot!"
Everyone lowered their heads silently...
32 When my son was just a few months old, I was always anxious She really wanted to hear him call "Daddy", so she would always lie on the bed and teach her son tirelessly: "Call daddy, call daddy..." My wife said: "Silly, he is still young, how can he do it now?" After that, I went to the bathroom. I continue to teach hard. After a while, my wife came out of the bathroom and saw me still lying on the bed, gently shouting to my son: "Daddy, daddy, daddy..." My wife burst out laughing at that time, and while holding her stomach, she said: "What the hell? Who's the dad, haha..." It makes me so embarrassed.
33 A few days ago I bought my mother an I love China T-shirt. My mother was very happy, so she said excitedly: Let’s go out together to have some fun today~ (please be cool...囧)
34 One Sunday at the end of the last century, four of us buddies went to Xiangshan. A lot. I finally found a quieter place. I took out my point-and-shoot camera for debugging. My best friend A ran over excitedly: "Whose camera is this? Take a picture for me!"
Me I was distracted and heard "~What kind of camera~" so Hui Chang proudly replied loudly: "It belongs to a fool!..."
As a result, in the photo of 555555, the three of them were all smiling so brightly.
35 A colleague went to listen to the report of disaster relief heroes and came back to describe to us how moving the atmosphere was: "... there were several people who cried so hard that they had runny noses and peed their noses%￥#%#@..."
A few weeks after entering school, Tiao Tiao had some conflicts with our deskmate, so - "The weather is very good today. Qiu xx came to Peach Blossom Island and saw Huang Rong taking a bath. Thanks to Tiao Tiao, Jumping Candy comes early, uses the Great Shift, and hits the uninhabited island with one punch~~"
●In the past, such warriors appeared in our teaching materials like mushrooms after rain, like Dong Cunrui who blew up bunkers. , Huang Jiguang, who jumped into the ice lake to save people in the bitterly cold winter, etc. (Why did Huang Jiguang try his best in an icy lake if he didn't block the eyes?)
●Li Yu is singing: Unable to carry, there are many sorrows, just like a river of spring water flowing eastward. (Is it sung by Li Qingzhao and Li Yu together?)
●He who is fit for food is a hero, and the fittest survive. (Good teeth mean good appetite.)
●A patient had a problem with his bone marrow, but no suitable person was found to donate bone marrow to him. (Continue to arrest, and send police to guard stations, docks, and intersections until you catch the right one)
●A depressed young man walked alone on the cold street. (I wonder what this young man looks like?)
●He went to school and worked to earn money during the day, and secretly read books in the sun at night... In the end, he became the founder of Russia - Gorky.
(I wonder if the sun at night can bask in the sun?)
●Suddenly, a soldier walked out among the passengers. He walked towards the captain, took out a mobile phone from his waist, and pointed it at the captain’s face. Chest... (I have never figured out why my mobile phone is not allowed to be opened when flying. It turns out that I am afraid that someone will use it to hijack the plane...)
●At first, my heart dropped to the lowest peak of Mount Everest... ( ...)
●Those who have chosen money and beauty, ask yourself, are you happy? Are you happy? If your answer is yes, then you must not be human... (Well... it seems that there are only a few people in this world who are human...)
. One time I went to the mall to buy things. I just came out of the underwear store and went to the pants store. After trying on the pants for a long time, the pants were too thin, so I asked: "Boss! Do you have two-foot-eight pants?"
2 Southerners have never seen Hericium (a mushroom that looks like a monkey’s head). One day a southerner asked me: “What does Hericium look like?” I said: “It’s that kind of mushroom. A monkey that looks like a mushroom! ”
3. My wife suddenly wanted to listen to music one day, and I asked her: "What song do you want to listen to?" She said: "Play me Alan Tam's 'Sheep in Sheep's Clothing'!
4. Every day at noon There are snack carts selling small intestine rolls and tofu puffs on the street. One day, I suddenly wanted to eat it. When I was about to go out to buy it, the boss rode away while chasing me: "Wait a minute for that small intestine!" "
5. I was brushing my teeth in the morning and found that my toothpaste 'Kangchiling' was missing. I searched for a long time but couldn't find it, so I asked my wife: "Where is my Contac?" "
6. When I was naughty as a child, I broke my grandfather's pipe. Grandpa was very angry and cursed: "You bastard, your pipe must have been broken!" " ――! The pipe is killing me!
7. Talking to my mother about what the children will eat when they are older, my mother said: "You can eat other foods when you are four months old. ” I said: “Yes!” At that time, I will make him some rice soup, liver puree, vegetable juice, tofu skin and so on. Mom: "By the way, I'll steam some egg skins for him to eat later." "(Egg Paste)
8. I watched an anti-Japanese movie with a few buddies, and the people in the movie shouted "Down with Japanese imperialism." The buddies got excited and stood up and shouted: "Down with Japan. imperialism. "
9. I went out to play ball with some buddies and saw a BMW driving past us on the road. One of the buddies sighed: "Yah! This horse can run faster than a rabbit!
10． After finishing work every day, I went upstairs to see my son. When I saw my son, I said, "The baby's daddy is here to see you! Do you miss daddy?" As I was talking, my son suddenly vomited milk, so I shouted to my wife: "Come here quickly!" Dad vomited milk again! ”
13. I have a friend who always likes to use idioms when talking. Once when we were discussing a problem, he came over and listened and said: "Isn't this problem just like 'the baldness on the bald man's head is obvious!'" (It should be the baldness on the bald man's head.) Lice)
14. I went to the supermarket to buy milk. I didn’t know what kind to buy. The shopping guide asked me: “What kind do you want to buy?” I said: “I want to buy milk from cows.” The shopping guide: “You mean pure milk? "I said: "What kind, let me see first?" The shopping guide brought a box, I looked at it and said, "Is this pure cow?"
15. I wanted to go play ball with a few buddies, but it suddenly started raining outside. After waiting in the house for more than an hour, the rain still didn't stop, it just fell sparsely. The buddy looked outside and said, "It's raining like my dad peeing frequently!"
16. When I woke up in the morning, I saw a girl next door standing outside with messy hair. I asked, "Why are you like this?" She yawned and said, "I got up too early in the morning. I didn't brush my face or wash my teeth!"
17. Went to a restaurant for a drink with the master. The waiter asked: "What do you want to drink?" The chef: "I'll have a drink." The waiter: "What drink do you want?" The chef: "Bring me a bottle of Erguotou!"
18. During math class.
The teacher asked my deskmate: "How much is 150 + 100?" My deskmate: "Teacher two hundred and five!" Teacher: "How much?" My deskmate: "Teacher two hundred and five!"
1. Last Sunday, I went to McDonald's. I spent more than 100 yuan on KFC! (Proud,,)
2. In the dormitory, 8 women sat together and cracked melon seeds, talking while doing so. They were so absorbed in chatting that I lost my mind. Throw away the melon seed meat and put the melon seed shell into your mouth, (ah!)
3. Wow! Why do you have so many schoolbags in your things? Is it heavy? (Depressed,,)
4. There are only girls in the child care major, so the best friends in the class are called wives and husbands, (definitely not lesbians,,) One time, the teacher asked a classmate to go to the office , as soon as this classmate entered the office, he said politely: "Honey, what do you want from me?" (The teacher had a dark look on his face,,)
5. I just combed my hair last night, no wonder this morning It’s so difficult to wash your head, (coma,)
6. Let’s brush our faces and wash our teeth! (Dentures,,)
7. Go take a shower with a friend in the evening, She was next to me, and I suddenly said to her: "I feel that wiping a towel with my feet is really disgusting," (it turned out that she kept staring at me)
8. A classmate was nervous. Anxious: "I have something urgent to tell you! It's very urgent!"
Talk,,
"I'm telling you,!,,,,,, uh,! Forget, "(brain,,)"
9. When my grandfather died, (how many times will your grandfather die?)
10. That Zhang XX ,What’s your last name? I forgot. (You need melatonin,,) The song titles are getting weirder and weirder now.
1. Cyndi Wang’s “Love You”, S.H.E’s “I”. "Love You", Beyond "Really Love You", Li Zongsheng "I Really Love You", Jerry Yan "I Really Really Love You"
Comments: It's so complicated.
2. Faye Wong's "If You Are Fake", Teresa Teng's "If I'm Real", Xiao Zhengnan's "If I'm Fake", Meng Tingwei's "Real or Fake"
Comments: Damn, can I return it?
3. Jackie Chan "Who Am I", Cockroach "Forgot Who I Am", Jolin Tsai "Who Are You", Andy Hui "Forgot You Are" Who".
Comments: You all need melatonin!
4. Elva Hsiao "Be Your Girl in My Life", Long Meizi's "Be Your Woman in the Next Life".
Comments: Not bad, mature!
5. Pu Shu's "I Love You Goodbye", Ding Wei's "Goodbye I Love You"
Comments: Not given...
6. Su Yongkang "Men should not make women cry", Chen Xiaochun "Women should not make men too tired".
Comments: What a considerate couple!
7. Jiang Yuheng's "Are You Afraid of Loving Me?", Stefanie Sun's "Afraid", Wang Leehom's "Don't Be Afraid", Wilber Pan's "I'm Not Afraid", Zhao Wei's "Not Afraid", Guo Meimei's "Not Afraid", Ekin Cheng "Be afraid of nothing, be afraid of nothing".
Comments: There are so many people, so bold!
8. "The Story of Spring" by Dong Wenhua, "The Story of Summer" by Yang Qianhua, "The Story of Autumn" by Chen Ailing, and "The Story of Winter" by Ma Tianyu.
35 A colleague went to listen to the report of disaster relief heroes and came back to describe to us how moving the atmosphere was: "... there were several people who cried so hard that they had runny noses and peed their noses%￥#%#@..."
Quack, sin, sin...
A participated in the 100-meter race and was extremely brave. At the finish line, he exerted too much force and flew forward, with his mouth full of sand. With glorious faces on their faces, everyone hurriedly gathered around. The squad leader was extremely nervous and shouted loudly: "Ah! My mouth is bleeding and my nose is bleeding!" (Gangqing was so frightened that he went crazy)
The kid got a picture The giant poster of the idol was painted on the wall excitedly for a long time. When Old A came back from outside, Xiao Peng happily asked Old A: "How do you think this is put up?" Old A took a look. While taking off his shoes, he said casually: "How do you stick it? Just stick it on the wall.
”
Old A was not very clean. The monitor happened to live in the bunk below him, and the monitor was a mysophobic person. One time, Old A’s shorts fell on the floor, and the monitor helped him pick them up, while telling him: A said: "Look, you took off your shorts and they were all over the place..." (I don’t know how many shorts Old A had to wear before they were all over the place...)
Went to have breakfast with Old A, I ordered a bowl of fried noodles, but the noodles were all mushy. I frowned and said to the boss: "Boss, the noodles are all fried..." (I wanted to say they were all mushy)
Old A Smuggled the family's little golden retriever into the dormitory. The little golden retriever looked very cute. The kid was eating dumplings, so he threw a dumpling to the little golden retriever. The little golden retriever ate it with gusto. The monitor looked at it and smiled and said: "This He is probably the only dog-eating dumpling in the world..." Everyone laughed
The kid secretly used the squad leader's soap, but was discovered by the squad leader. The squad leader shouted smoothly: "Give me some soap. Spit it out! ”
The kid saw MM, whom he had a crush on for a long time, in the cafeteria one day. MM was queuing up with her lunch box. The kid wanted to go over and strike up a conversation with her, but didn’t know what to say. When he saw MM’s bowl, he had an idea. Walking over, I wanted to say "What a big bowl" but what came out of my mouth was "What a big breast!" "I was almost killed by MM's eyes. (I guess I have watched too many pornographic films recently)
After the physical education class, Old A was about to tell me to go for a run, but the kid next to me shouted, "Hurry up and go. Have a meal! "In the end, Old A said, "I'm going to eat..."
One time, Old A was smoking in the dormitory toilet, and the dormitory supervisor happened to check the dormitory, and found that someone was missing, and asked the squad leader where he was. The atmosphere was very tense at that time. The monitor hesitated for a long time and said to the dormitory superintendent: "Teacher, he defecated in the toilet!" "(I want to poop and I want to poop again) Even the dormitory manager was laughing so hard.
1. One day, Mommy and I passed by the quagmire. She said: "Don't make the same mistake again. Last time I did it. My shoes were full of mud. "Oops: Yes, my shoes had to be washed several times before they were clean last time! - =|||
2. I remember when I watched Jingle Cat, there was a saying: Nobita, you are a man, how can you How can you not act like a man? To a girl: ××, you are a woman, how can you not act like a man?
3. Physical education teacher: “Look at you guys. Maomaoqiu, I asked you to do more than 30 sit-ups, while other classes did 50 squats and stand-ups! "(I: What does squatting and standing up have to do with our sit-ups?)
4. Candy shop owner: What does the little sister want? I: Cold cure...
5. Leader: You did a good job today, I will continue to do it next year! Oops: Oh... (It would be great if it is really next year)
6. gg: Who is Chen Xiaoyi’s wife? ? Oops: - -||
7. What are the four circles of cars? Colleague: (Four, not 5)
8 , gg: Look at the can! (Hilary)
9. My sister’s father’s wife’s granddaughter’s sister is a pig!
10. Xiao Ming! , you cut off a taro head! Sister: Even if you pick up a taro head, you have to hand it over to the father.
When I was born, the delivery nurse happened to be in love, so I didn’t cry out right away. As a result, she beat me up.
2. When I was one year old, I just learned to crawl and walk. I crawled all over the house and found a mousetrap under my bed. It is said that I bought the mousetrap for two yuan. Years later, a mouse was not caught, and it was my hand that caught it for the first time.
3. When I was two years old, I learned to play hide-and-seek with my parents at home. I stepped on another mousetrap under my bed. It is said that this mousetrap was bought three years ago, and the first time it caught my leg.
4. When I was three years old, I wanted to Stairs. Mrs. Zhang next door said she wanted to help me down the stairs to prevent me from falling. But before she could finish her words, she fell straight down the stairs from the fourth floor to the first floor and entered the stage of Alzheimer's disease.
5. When I was four years old, the policeman helped me cross the road, but before I could say thank you, he was hit by a motorcycle on the other side of the road.
6 When I was five years old, my father sent me to kindergarten. The kindergarten aunt praised me for being very beautiful. As soon as I finished speaking, a vase fell from the fifth floor and hit my aunt's skull directly.
7 When I was six years old, I went to the zoo for the first time. I said that the male panda was prettier than the female panda. The next day, the panda I praised me for died of dystocia.
8 When I was seven years old, I went to elementary school. In the final exam, my math teacher said that if I scored 59, it would be considered a 60. The next day, my math teacher died in a car accident.
9. At the time, I praised the girl in our class for how beautiful she was. Five minutes later, the girl caught up with a rare meteor shower.
10. When I was nine years old, I learned how to rob. I robbed a five-year-old kid and was beaten up by him. He claimed to be a layman from Shaolin Temple.
11. When I was ten years old, Xiaopang and I went to the toilet together. I looked so handsome when I went to the toilet. I was about to say thank you, but the little fat guy had already fallen into the toilet.
12. When I was eleven years old, the teacher asked me what three-seven equals, and I said three-seven-twenty-one. The teacher said, you are so smart, and he died of a heart attack before he finished speaking.
13. When I was twelve years old, I took the primary school graduation exam. The invigilator said to me, hurry up, time is running out. I said, thank you teacher for the reminder. Just as he finished speaking, the electric fan above the teacher's head fell down...
14. When I was thirteen years old, I was in junior high school. My previous experience scared no one to approach me. Only a classmate named Wang, who was known as bold, said to me: I don’t believe you can carry it like this. That afternoon, Wang boldly was chased by two bulls for eight streets.
15. When he was fourteen years old, The teacher asked us to write a composition, the title was "Our Bridge". I mentioned in the composition: The bridge in the city is very majestic... The next day, when I went to class, I found that bridge Suddenly it collapsed.
16. When I was fifteen years old, I fell in love with a girl. I didn’t dare to tell her, for fear of hurting her. But I couldn’t control myself, so I finally chose a sunny day in an empty school. I confessed my love to her on the playground. According to the weather forecast, there would definitely be no meteor shower that day. But after I confessed my love, the earthquake happened, and I watched this girl cry and fall into the crack...
17. When I was sixteen years old, I was in high school. I fell in love with playing football, and the opponent's goalkeeper praised me for playing well. So, the goal suddenly collapsed...
When I was seventeen, I followed the crowd to watch the actual scene of jumping from a building. As a result, I was pinned under him... Two months later, he and I were both discharged from the hospital. At the entrance of the inpatient department, he said thank you to me for saving him. Then, he was pinned down by another person who jumped from the building. This time he did not survive. .....
19. When I was eighteen years old, I became an adult. The first time I went to the bank to withdraw money, I met a robber who robbed the bank. The lady at the counter said: Shhh... don't say anything, otherwise the robbers will kill someone. Before he finished speaking, the counter girl was beaten to a pulp by the robber...
20. When I was nineteen years old, I went to college to drink with my classmates. Four of them drank two bottles of wine, and three of them drank. Follow the king of hell. I was expelled and placed on probation...
21. When I was twenty years old, I told my classmates that flying was safer than taking the train. So, the plane started to fall...
22. When I was twenty-one years old, I told my father that if I had the chance, I must go to the Twin Towers in the United States to see it. So , 911 happened...
23. On the 22nd, my colleagues and I made a bet that the Chinese team would definitely achieve good results in the World Cup. So... Later, I was invited to attend a national seminar, and the topic was why I was so unlucky. After I submitted my story to the organizing committee, the topic was changed to why I was so lucky. I Listen in.
24. When I was 23 years old, in April, I quit my job in a bank and worked for an airline travel company. Soon SARS came. The company closed down...
25. In the same year, I was unemployed at home and had nothing to do. I dated a girlfriend. After the same old routine, it was time to have sex. As a result, masks faced masks...
26. Seeing many people making a lot of money from SARS, I was moved and collected 150,000 yuan to pull a cart of vegetables. When I arrived in Beijing, someone paid 250,000 yuan to buy it, hum! Wait a little longer, no need to negotiate until 350,000 yuan. On the third day, the price of vegetables stabilized, but the vegetables started to rot. I quickly found a buyer. The other party offered 3,000 yuan and sold...
27. There is an old saying in China. : Where you fall, you get up! I found that the supply of masks has always been in short supply and the price has gone up, so I started to set up a factory to produce "Shuai" brand masks. It saves money to use scrap materials, and I earn 10,000 yuan a day. The next day, the Bureau of Industry, Commerce, and Technical Supervision closed my factory and fined me 30,000 yuan...
28. It seems that I am not a business person. I should become an official! I spent 48,000 yuan to the director. He promised to get it done for me! He will go to work tomorrow. The next day, I went there, and the director was taken away by the procuratorate's car. Not only was my money wasted, but I was also involved...
29. A month later, I was released on bail pending trial. As soon as I got home, my girlfriend collapsed in the hospital. I heard she had SARS. She left when I arrived. Wearing a "handsome" brand mask on my mouth...
30. I'd better take the right path. I learned how to surf the Internet from a netizen named "Love to Eat". With her encouragement, I posted a post called "Why do you need to reply after reading this post?" She praised her greatly and quickly followed the post. As a result, her computer was almost scrapped due to a "trick".
The next day I posted another post called "I love it and don't reply to it after reading it. Why?" 》She was too scared to reply. As a result, all the computers in her company were paralyzed...
31. I met three female netizens online: the first one had a very sweet voice - 56 years old; the second one was 20 She is pretty, but her sister doesn't like boys; the third one is 21 years old, pretty, talented, likes boys, and likes me. When we met, I told her a joke, but she couldn't even finish it, and she laughed to death...
1. One day, my old classmate discovered that there were a lot of candy wrappers in the class. He immediately thought of the school rules that prohibited bringing candy. So, he angrily said to us: Those people who eat candy wrappers really despise the school rules!
(= =|| Eat candy wrappers?)
2. One day, the classmates criticized a certain classmate who we called nephew (we all refer to each other as brothers and sisters, and he happened to be Someone recognized his son - -||), so -
Classmate B: I worked hard to bring you up, how easy is it for me!
Classmate A: I gave birth to you and raised you for decades, are you worthy of me?
Classmate C: I'll feed you shit and pee...
(Horror~Poor child~)
3. One day In English class, a classmate spoke impassionedly to his deskmate. The English teacher glared at him. The classmate continued his tirade. The English teacher pointed at the classmate and yelled: You can’t hear me if I glare at you, right? ! !
(= =|| I heard it was Superman~)
4. One day, the old classmate said to us: Hey~ I heard that there are people in the class next door who look at stupid cats, but there are no people in our class. Bar?
Everyone is confused...
Old Ban: Why are you so dazed! Stupid cat! It's on so-and-so's clothes! !
When we took a look, ah~ he was talking about Doraemon...
(Foolish cat? Such a loving name...)
5 . One day, the Chinese teacher came in when the test papers were handed out and said: Students, do you know who got the worst score in this test? It was classmate A, with a score of 74! The only one in the class who scored 75! ! !
At this time, the math teacher came in, and the Chinese teacher asked: Hey, how was math this time?
The math teacher said angrily: That student A got 25 points!
Just at this time, the English teacher came in and asked: Do you know that classmate A only scored 24 or 5 this time! ! Last in grade! !
At this time, the math teacher said happily: Ah~I am so happy~Classmate A gave me an extra 0 or 5 points~~
(Sweat~~ Such connotative words~ )
6. A classmate went out with me and I accidentally spilled water on him. He glared at me angrily and rushed to the nearby McDonald’s retail station to buy an ice cream. I was puzzled. The classmate said: Don’t you know how to give me a piece of paper when buying ice cream...
(= =|| Very high cost)
7. The classmate said proudly: You know me Who is the ancestor? Wang Xizhi! Do you know what Wang Xizhi does? Chess player! !
(Huh?... Actually, we found out later that he meant writing on the chess piece...). The turtle was bathing in the river and was seen by the toad.
Turtle: No. Have you ever had a beautiful woman like me? Your eyes are about to pop out.
Toad: Sister, please stop teasing me. Didn’t you see that I have goosebumps on my body?
2. Huang Ying saw the weasel looking for food and said: "You are a thief who has been sneaking around all day long. You have brought shame on the old Huang family."
As soon as she finished speaking , the oriole was shot down, and the weasel scolded: "Silly X, you don't know that we are cracking down on pornography now!"
3. Dragonfly made a girlfriend "Cicada". Mother Dragonfly asked worriedly: What kind of job does she have?
Dragonfly: That’s a singer!
Dragonfly Mom: Singer? I used to be a tunnel digger!
4. An ant quarreled with a crow on the tree!
Ant: Come down if you have the guts!
Crow: Then come down if you have the guts Come up here!
Ant: Okay! Just wait for me, it will be nice for you!
Crow: What do you want?
Ant: I’ll do it right away Go and ask all my brothers to shake you down and throw you to death!
5. Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery. The dung beetle said: If I want to win the jackpot, I will use all the toilets within a 50-mile radius. Buy it and eat enough every day!
Shit Beetle B: You are so vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will take care of a living person and eat fresh food every day!
6. The male butterfly sang to the female butterfly: "You are my lover, a woman like a rose!" After singing, he flew to pick roses.
There was a scream, and the female butterfly sang: "My dear, fly slowly, be careful of the roses with thorns in front of you!"
7. A pair of ducks came to the river While playing, I saw a couple of frogs hibernating in caves on the river bank. Duck: Look, how happy. Female duck to male duck: Don't look at it, he is the big boss, he lives in a villa and spends his honeymoon, we should never think about it in this life!
24. My deskmate had a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring a handkerchief, so he kept sucking the snot into his nose.
The Chinese teacher who was writing on the blackboard suddenly turned around and shouted: "That's enough! Stop it! It's so noisy!" The whole class was silent. The teacher said again: "Who is eating noodles secretly and making such a loud noise in class?"
25. The patient said to the dentist: "You are really good at making money. You made 3 US dollars in just 3 seconds." ."
The doctor replied: "If you want, I can pull it out for you in slow motion.
”
26. “Narcissism” means that I must be reincarnated as a woman in the next life, and then marry a man like me; “Despair” means ordering two dishes at a restaurant, and eating the first one: “In the world Is there anything more delicious than this?!" Eat the second one. Damn! It really does!" "Speechless" means the judge asked: Why did you print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money
< p>I’ve reached the limit and I want to give it to you