I don't know what kind of girl I am. I always thought that no one in this world really knew me, only I knew myself. Now that I think about it, I can't help but smile. Actually, I don't even know myself very well. People are so complicated. ...
On the surface, I am too cheerful, but I imagine myself as a melancholy girl all day. A person is doing everything quietly, without friends around him, living faintly, feeling the tranquility and sadness. However, in real life, I am as crazy and lovely as ever. Simple ideas always make my classmates laugh at me for being stupid, so I can only answer with a smile. It is precisely because I am so cheerful in front of everyone, and because everyone is familiar with my cuteness, it is difficult for me to change in front of them and become the real me, the melancholy and pessimistic girl. Happiness is just a mask. Show your true self in front of friends occasionally. They always look at me in surprise for a long time, then touch my head and say, "Are you sick and have a fever?" "Really can't change. I don't want my classmates and friends to worry about me, and I don't want my friends to laugh less because of my change. I don't want to. Therefore, I still smile, study with a smile and live with a smile.
In fact, laughter is a good disguise, and cheerfulness is a hard protective armor. I hide in my own body, afraid of being hurt. Some people may say that this is escapism. Yes, I am escaping, escaping from my inner fragility and emotional fragility, because these realities are enough to break my heart and make me cry … I don't know why I am so fragile. Whenever I think that I will get hurt, I always stare at the ceiling in panic, thinking about how I was cut by reality and how sad I cried.
In the game, I met an older brother. He's really nice. I feel that he is kind and gentle. I gradually feel that he is a good brother I can rely on. I am also very kind to him, and I have never asked him for anything. However, he made him cry all night. Because that morning, he said to play games with me at night. I waited until evening, but he was with someone else, not me. Suddenly, I felt a sense of loneliness that I had never felt before. At night, I lay in bed and tried not to cry. However, I cried, and the feeling of being cheated was really bad. I asked God: Why do you always lie to me? Let me get hurt? Why do I let someone hurt me and cheat me whenever I finally trust him? Why? I looked at the sky hard and couldn't find a trace of answer. I can only bear it silently and make up my mind not to talk to him the next day! However, I didn't do it. His greetings melted my dissatisfaction and disgust with him from the beginning. I found myself really soft-hearted. I remember clearly that when he greeted me, I even blamed myself for being too narrow-minded. However, I still left a wound in my heart. There are many similar things that have been forgotten, but what remains is eternal trauma and fear. ...
So gradually, I began to disguise my nature, which made me feel more secure than before.
But now, I'm tired of it. I really want to be myself. I'm hovering between change and constancy, and I can't make up my mind.
Being true to yourself is easy to get hurt; It's hypocritical to live without being yourself. ...
What the hell should I do? Who can really tell me?