The sky is high and the clouds are light.
The Buddha's light and tower shadow are horizontal and dry.
Infinite mountains and rivers,
Only at the top.
The question in this poem:
First, the problem of planning.
1, the second sentence of the first couplet, the Buddha's light and tower shadow pass through Gankun, which is inconsistent with the first sentence.
Step 2 rhyme
Kun belongs to the eleventh yuan rhyme of Pingshui rhyme.
The first floor belongs to the tenth steam of Pingsheng under Pingshui rhyme.
In principle, it should be noted that these two rhymes cannot be used universally.
Secondly, the problem of artistic conception and condemnation words.
The sky is high and the clouds are light, and the Buddha's light tower shadows are too dry.
These two sentences are very artistic and have a sense of birth. The word "Du Qing" perfectly describes the four images of Buddha's Light and Tower Shadow in Tian Yun.
however
Infinite mountains and rivers are in front of us, only at the top.
It seems inappropriate to add these two sentences at the end.
Although there are clouds, pagodas, rivers and mountains, and high-rise integration; However, Jiangshan, the top management is not used properly here. The first couplet emphasizes "Qing", and the combination of the last two sentences seems to change the artistic conception from "Qing" to "turbid", making it difficult for the whole poem to get up and down, to escape, to enter the WTO and to let go. With these two sentences, the whole poem began to become tacky!
Third: Suggestions.
Change both ending sentences!
(2)
The castle peak is misty and rainy,
Jia Muxin Xin Hua Xiangrong.
Flying in the sky, flying in the sky,
Autumn geese in Pingsha are startled to fall.
The problem with this poem is:
First, the problem of planning.
The first sentence of the couplet, the word "bell" in the moon, is revealed in the celestial fairy.
Secondly, the problem of artistic conception and condemnation words.
1, to be honest, I don't quite understand what you are trying to say.
I don't know if there is something wrong with my understanding or your wording.
I feel that this poem has one of the biggest shortcomings: the theme is not clear. One word to describe the whole poem is "chaos"
2. The phrase "flowers should be beautiful" in Jia Muxin's sentence can express what you want to express, but it doesn't seem appropriate and worth considering.
The moon flies outside the clouds, and the autumn geese in Pingsha are shocked.
These two sentences have great problems. You only pay attention to describing the image, not the realm.
There is a misunderstanding in writing poetry, that is, various images are frequently used to express more things. In fact, if you do this, you will not be able to express anything. That's why I call your poem "Chaos". If there are empty images without perceptual or rational thinking and some expressions without me, it can't be said to be a good poem. No matter how well you write, you can only get a "literary talent" at most.
Third: Suggestions.
When writing poetry, please pay more attention to emotions, emotions, thinking and so on. In other words, we should pay more attention to the realm of poetry, that is, the level of poetry, which is inseparable from the author's experience, literary talent, IQ, EQ and other subjective and objective things.
Beginners can work hard on the realm of "having me" in poetry, which requires more emotional input rather than profound writing skills, but it is closely related to life experience.
When I learn to a certain extent, I will March into the realm of "no self" and devote myself to poetry with profound writing skills and rich life experience.
Of course, in the end, we should improve our own realm and integrate the two realms of "with me" and "without me", so as to see the level of a person's realm from poetry, that is to say, the higher your realm, the more valuable your poetry will be!
Okay, I've had enough nonsense. That's probably it!