1. I Don’t Want to Be Alone - An interpretation of the development of children’s social skills
Every child is eager to establish friendships, and some children can quickly integrate into new groups and become everyone’s favorite. , but what is the reason behind why some children are isolated and excluded? What are the factors that influence children’s social skills?
As children grow, peer relationships play an increasingly important role in their lives. Unlike interactions with adults, peer relationships are more egalitarian. In peer relationships, children increase their understanding of life by sharing each other's experiences. Conflicts discovered during sharing and interaction in peer groups give children the opportunity to think from others' perspective and lay a solid foundation for children to gradually move away from self-centered thinking. Therefore, when children encounter these conflicts, they are able to improve their problem-solving skills. Generally speaking, when conflicts between children do not involve personal safety, parents can not be impatient and let their children try to resolve these conflicts on their own.
The innermost layer of Bronfenbrenner’s bioecological theory is the microsystem, which is the activity or interaction in the environment most directly related to the individual. When the child is still an infant, the microsystem is likely to be limited to in the family. As children grow, peer groups in daycare classes, kindergartens and schools gradually increase in the microsystem. Generally, when parents talk about their children's peer relationships, they look at these external environments from the child's perspective. For example, we are worried that the child will not be able to integrate or that the child will be harmed, but individuals in the micro-environment interact with each other, and the child's own characteristics, such as temperament, living habits, and abilities, will also affect others.
Every child longs for friendship to gain a sense of belonging, so what is the reason for so many lonely little princes? What happened on their planet? If we classify these stars, there are usually several categories: popular, rejected, ignored and average.
Popular children are outgoing, lively, talkative, courageous, and attractive in appearance. They are not impulsive or lose their temper. In peer interactions, popular children show more positive, friendly behaviors. For example, they have a high level of cooperation, willingness to share, etc., but less negative and unfriendly behaviors. They like to interact, proactively participate in interactions, and are good at interacting. When dealing with conflicts in interactions, they can come up with more effective solutions, and These solutions are relationship-oriented, meaning that they not only resolve a relationship conflict but may also turn the conflict into an opportunity to enhance the relationship.
Rejected children are very outgoing, very lively, talkative, and courageous. They are impatient and have a bad temper. Children who are rejected in peer interactions have more negative and unfriendly behaviors. But there are very few positive and friendly behaviors, such as unwillingness to share, boys have stronger physical aggression, and girls have stronger relational aggression. Interestingly, rejected children also like to interact very much and are proactive in interactions. But they are not good at communicating, and are very different from popular children in this respect. Their ability to resolve social conflicts is weak, and they follow the social communication strategy of object ownership.
Neglected children are more introverted, quiet, not talkative, timid, slow-tempered, have a short temper, and are not easily excited and impulsive. Neglected children have positive and friendly behaviors and negative Unfriendly behaviors are rare, including aggression toward others and showing withdrawal. The choice of social strategy is mostly due to "self-centeredness".
Average-type children are at the middle level in all aspects. Many researchers will use this sentence to describe enigmatic average-type children. In a group, children with average type usually account for more.
A child’s peer interaction type, that is, a child’s basic social status, is affected by a variety of factors, which can be roughly divided into factors of the child (such as the child’s temperament) and external factors (such as parents’ encouragement, Teacher’s evaluation of children, toys, games)
2. Be a popular child - cultivate children’s social skills
1) Allow time for children to play with peers: There is a difference between playing together and studying together. Learning includes knowledge-based learning and skill-based learning. When studying together, it is easier for peers to refer to each other and compete with each other; but when playing together, children pay more attention to their peers. I, learn how to get along with others
2) Accept your child’s current social situation: When you find that your child is not accepted by your peers or your child shows withdrawal from social behavior, parents are more likely to be anxious and unable to bear it. You have to blame them, for example, "If you cry so much, others won't want to play with you." As a parent, you can also ask yourself: "Can I stop worrying about my child's situation right away? ? "Change is possible, and it is impossible to change the status quo without accepting it. Change begins when a person accepts the status quo from the bottom of his heart. From this point of view, acceptance is the most difficult step, because it means that there is at least a moment. One has to reject the presence of one's hated traits, labels, or experiences in one's business. Parents’ life experience is very valuable. However, children have their own temperament, physical characteristics, home school and social environment that they need to face, increasing study pressure, dwindling free play time, and friends who are very far away. , various tutoring classes, dazzling products, and ubiquitous advertisements, these are experiences we did not have when we were young.
3) Listen to the difficulties and emotions children face in social interactions. Listening will make the child in front of you more and more real. When you no longer measure him by your inner standards and allow him to truly exist, your relationship will gradually become real.
4) Help him analyze the problem from the child's perspective, such as "You are so afraid of failure, is there any way to make you feel better? Or you are very worried, where does the evaluation come from?" Definitely Children’s strengths and find ways to better utilize them.
3. Analysis of cases related to children’s social interaction
Case 1: A schoolmate who loves to complain
Typical story: Qiao’s father promised Qiao that if Qiao Qiao earns enough After getting 50 yuan, he could use the money to go camping, but he later changed his mind and asked Joe to give all the 50 yuan to him. Joe lied like his father and said he only earned 10 yuan, and then gave it to him. ?10 was given to his father and he used ?40 to go camping. Joe told his brother Alex about this. If you were Alex, would you go to your father to complain? The vast majority of children between the ages of four and 12 choose to complain. In fact, this is also the age when children like to complain.
The phenomenon of primary school students complaining is very common. This is not because of the child's quality, but the result of the development of the important social skills "moral-rule awareness" in the child's development stage. Psychologist Kberg's moral development stage Theory has been extremely influential in the field of moral psychology. Children's moral development goes through three levels and six stages.
1. Pre-conventional level (4-10 years old)
1. Punishment and obedience orientation stage
2. Pleasure-seeking orientation stage
2. Conventional level (10-13 years old)
1. Good boy orientation stage
2. Authority orientation stage
3. Post-conventional level (13-18 years old)
1. Social contract orientation stage
2. Principles and conscience orientation stage
Tips for kindergarten schools: Under normal circumstances, when When a child complains, adults should not just deal with it casually. Doing so will make the child feel that he or she is not respected by the adult and will make the child more willing to feel wronged. He or she cannot always say "Okay, I will criticize him." This will inevitably strengthen the child's complaining behavior. , let the children's complaining behavior become more and more intense. Adults should pay attention and listen patiently.
Case 2: Not knowing how to refuse is really tiring
Hanhan is a very considerate child who is very considerate of others. At the same time, he is also a "good old man" who does not understand Rejecting something that you obviously like very much, but you still reluctantly give it up if others want it. Even if your own time does not allow you to feel unhappy, you are unwilling to refuse other people's requests. It will be really tiring for your children not to refuse, and occasionally they will Being bullied.
Psychological analysis:
1. Unprincipled courtesy destroys children’s self-boundaries. Self-interpretation is the emotional, spatial and physical distance between oneself and others. Under the premise of keeping a safe distance, personal boundaries will help you identify what is acceptable and what needs to be rejected when you face choices. You can say that boundaries are the ability to say "no".
2. Children do not know how to reject others because they did not establish a sense of security when they were young.
3. Fear of being denied.
Tips from Youer Academy:
1) Help children establish clear self-boundaries.
2) Respect the development of children’s self-awareness.
3) Help children change their irrational cognitions.
4) When refusing, you must pay attention to your method, be sincere and clear, have a firm attitude, and use a tactful tone.
Case 3: It’s not difficult to overcome lying
Haohao’s homework time has become shorter recently. He said it was because the teacher left less homework. Later, after communicating with the teacher, he found out that he had been doing homework for several days. I didn't finish my homework, and I actually told the teacher, "My mother was sick and hospitalized recently, so I don't have time to do it." This happened more than once. It was often deceived by both parents and teachers.
Psychological analysis:
Children’s lies are divided into three types: imaginative lying, vanity lying and evasive speaking.
For children who imagine new lies, parents should guide them correctly, help and inspire their children to re-understand what they have done, and where they have exaggerated and distorted the truth. When children tell the truth, it is necessary to approve and affirm their frank attitude, and at the same time let them realize that honest children are popular children.
Regarding vanity lying, parents should guide their children not to care too much about other people’s opinions. Everyone has something that others don’t have. Everyone also has advantages and disadvantages. Everyone is an independent individual. Do your best.
Regarding avoidance-type panic, parents should make clear their attitude, tell their children that they like honest people, and encourage them to tell the truth. After the child tells the truth, do not blame him for doing something wrong. First, praise him for his honesty, and then help the child analyze the reasons for the mistake and guide him to think about the correct way to deal with such problems in the future.
Parents should not have too high demands on their children. Excessive expectations will exhaust the children physically and mentally, causing tremendous psychological pressure on the children, causing them to panic.
Use positive reinforcement methods to correct children's lying behavior. When children behave well, give them timely rewards or praise to strengthen the child's behavior.
Parents should set an example and not teach their children to panic. Many parents are not aware of the impact of their small behaviors on their children.
Case 4: Social Anxiety
Yinyin is in the fifth grade of elementary school. She is introverted and shy and dare not interact with others. When the teacher asked questions, he did not dare to raise his hand to speak. When he answered the question Hey, hey, he didn't play with his classmates during recess. He was depressed alone. During a speech, Yinyin actually forgot all the speech words that he had memorized by heart. He was extremely embarrassed. After this failed speech, Later, the reason became even more unwilling to interact with others, and even often avoided other people's eyes.
Psychological analysis
The main reason for this series of behaviors in children is social phobia. The main manifestation is fear of performing in front of others. They are particularly sensitive to being noticed and have social phobia. People with the disease seldom participate in social activities. When they have to participate, they also shrink back in crowds and appear shy. Social fear is usually related to the child's own factors, growth experience, family parenting style, and social environment.
Tips from Youer School
1) Cultivate children’s awareness of independence and friendly interaction with others from an early age. Parents should create more conditions for going out and interacting with people, and encourage their children to play more with friends around them, so that children can naturally improve their communication skills while interacting with strangers.
2) Guide children how to deal with problems when they encounter them. Let your children participate in more social activities, and don't be afraid of conflicts between your children and other children. When problems occur, it is a good opportunity for your children to learn to interact with others.
3) Accept your child’s current situation and seek professional help when necessary.
Case 5: How to deal with children’s comparison mentality?
Xiaolei’s mother has been very troubled recently. Her son who is in primary school is becoming more and more competitive. Last month, he was clamoring to buy a scooter. In the past few days, he has been clamoring to buy roller skates. Comparison among primary school students is too serious. To toys, schoolbags, big houses, cars. Comparison affects children’s mental health.
Psychological analysis
There are many reasons for children to compare, which can be roughly divided into the following categories: 1. The influence of peers on children
2. The influence of social environment on children The influence of children.
3. Parents’ comparison mentality has a certain impact on their children.
Tips from Youer School
1. Use anti-comparison education methods to eliminate children’s comparison mentality.
2. Parents should set an example to help their children establish a correct concept of consumption.