For some parents, what is going on in the hearts of their children from birth to adulthood has always been a huge mystery.
? I once read such a short story on the Internet: A young mother took her 6-year-old daughter to attend a Christmas party. With high-end decoration, lively scenes, and delicious food, the mother happily and Friends said hello and showed their daughter around. She thought her daughter would be very happy, but she didn't expect her daughter to be very disappointed and kept clamoring to go home. Her mother didn't agree, so she simply sat on the floor and cried, and her shoes fell off.
? The mother angrily dragged her daughter up from the ground to scold her, and squatted down to put on her daughter's shoes. But the moment she squatted down, she was shocked. All she saw before her eyes were adults' swaying buttocks and thighs, instead of the smiling faces, food and flowers she saw.
? She finally understood why her daughter was unhappy. It turned out that what children saw was a completely different world from adults.
As parents, we all think that we love our children very much, but children and adults stand at different heights and angles. We cannot judge children's behavior according to adult standards. In addition, children's expression skills are not enough, so it is difficult for them to express their inner thoughts, so they often express them in negative ways such as crying and making fuss. So, what is the child thinking? How to better understand children's psychology?
? The series of books "Knowing Your Children" is the best translator of children's inner thoughts. This issue introduces the third book to you, "Why do children aged 6 to 9 like to pretend to be adults?" 》. The two authors of this book, Corinna Avis and Biddy Euel, are both psychology experts at the Tavistock Clinic. They combine a large number of clinical experiences and cases in the book to help us learn more about A good understanding of the inner world of children aged 6 to 9 years old.
? When it comes to the Tavistock Clinic, you may feel unfamiliar. In fact, it has a long history. It is a top British psychotherapy institution with a century-old history. Freud, Jung, and Grammar Lain, Winnicott and other psychology greats have all given lectures here. Its status is so high that it is regarded as the "sacred temple" in psychology by psychology practitioners and enthusiasts around the world.
? After reading this book, I think the most valuable point is, "Your naughty child may be the good child who cares about you the most." Everyone is capable of being a parent, but not everyone is capable of being a good parent. 6-9 years old is called middle childhood. Children at this stage are gradually getting rid of their dependence on the family and becoming independent. They gradually have their own ideas and desire to become "little adults", but in terms of self-expression, the method is still clumsy. And immature.
? There was once a video on the Internet about the relationship between three pairs of parents. The three pairs of parents sat together and complained about their noisy "naughty children." The first father said: "I spent a week writing the program, but in the blink of an eye, it was all destroyed by my child." The second mother said: "My daughter took advantage of me to apply facial masks and wiped out all the facial masks. Tear it apart and let it dry." The third mother said: "The work I spent a week painting was messed up by my daughter."
As a parent, when you see the results of your efforts. When you are destroyed by a child, you can imagine your inner collapse, and you really want to beat the child.
? However, have parents ever thought about why their children go against their parents? Are children really so hateful? Or do you not know your children well enough?
? In fact, the child of the first father wanted to help his father finish his work early because he saw his father sitting in front of the computer typing all day long and had no time to accompany him; the second mother The child of the third mother wanted to help her mother dry the mask because her mother ignored her while applying the facial mask, so that her mother would have more time to accompany her; the child of the third mother watched her mother paint for a picture. After a week, I picked up the paintbrush and helped my mother complete the painting.
? The plot has been reversed. In the eyes of adults, the "naughty children" are actually not that hateful. What is hidden behind the mischievous behavior that makes adults crazy is nothing more than children's hatred of children. The purest love of parents, they long to be "little adults" who can help their parents solve their problems, but due to limitations of age and ability, they often mess up things.
? But sometimes parents are immersed in their own fixed thinking, thinking that their children are naughty, lazy, unruly, or even destructive. With this understanding, parents are very It’s easy to interpret a child’s behavior negatively. For example, "The child must be doing this because he wants to cause trouble", or even thinking that "he must be doing it to make me angry", and then use beating or punishment to deal with it. Not only will it not be possible to find the correct way to get along with the child, but it will also worsen the relationship with the child. The relationship between children affects their healthy growth.
To give a common example in life, a 7-year-old child is practicing calligraphy. Every time he starts practicing, he will ask his mother: "How long should I practice?" The mother said forty minutes. At this time, the child has to confirm again and again, "Is it really only 40 minutes? You have to keep your word." The mother began to be dissatisfied with the child's fussing over time.
? Finally one day, the child did not stop in time after the specified time. The child was very angry and yelled at his mother for not following the time. The mother couldn't keep it on her face, and the emotions in her heart suddenly burst out. She yelled at the child: "It's not for your own good to let you practice longer. I just want to have fun all day long."
? In the mother's view, the child's entanglement with time is to be lazy and to reduce practice time, but if she knows that children of this age have a characteristic, they hope to get the guarantee from their parents to gain a sense of control over the world. , then will the mother’s reaction be different?
From the child's point of view, what she cares about is not necessarily the practice time, but just wants to confirm that her parents' guarantee is effective, so that she can have certain control over future time and gain a sense of security in time.
? If the mother understands the child's thoughts, maybe the mother will react differently. She will become more objective and patiently make time arrangements with her children, or explain to her children why she sometimes cannot guarantee practice time, so that her children can understand that their parents have no control over time.
In fact, the difference between naughty children and good children is whether parents can correctly understand their children's words and deeds.
? Every child is an angel, worthy of parents' careful treatment and infinite care. Children have never been parents and do not have much life experience, but we have grown from children to parents, and we have experienced many children's thoughts and behaviors.
? Sometimes you can try to use your childhood experiences to understand your children. If you still remember how you felt as a child, you will definitely put yourself in their shoes and look at their behavior from the child's perspective. At this time, you You will find that many times, we blame them wrongly.
? If parents can communicate more with their children and understand the meaning behind their children's words and deeds, naughty children will also become good children, and you can also cultivate "excellent children from other people's families". However, it is not easy for many parents to understand the true intention of their children's behavior. They are unable to understand their children's perspective. But don't worry, this is exactly what psychologists are good at, and this is where the value of this book lies, helping parents understand their children's thoughts.
? This book divides children aged 6 to 9 into two stages: 6 to 7 years old and 8 to 9 years old. Although these two stages are very close, children still change very much.
? First, let’s talk about 6- to 7-year-old children. Their most notable characteristic at this stage is that they want to be “little adults.” In what aspects is a child’s desire for maturity specifically reflected?
? The first aspect is personal cognition. Before the age of 6, a child's perception of the world is still relatively vague, but after the age of 6, the child begins to develop abstract thinking.
For example, "3" can not only represent the number "3", but can also represent three things, three apples, connecting abstract imagination with things that are already familiar, so that children will have a much easier understanding of the objective world.
At the same time, children's bodies have also gotten rid of the shaky age and can actively try to establish a physical and psychological balance. Riding a bicycle in middle school is a very typical example. And learning to ride a bicycle is also the first problem that many children encounter on the road to life, because this is something that parents cannot do for their children. Children need to coordinate their bodies and movements, find the best sense of balance, and overcome fear. Psychological barriers to falling.
The book mentions the story of Gemma learning to ride a bicycle. When she first started practicing, she found that it was very difficult to step on the pedals, control the handlebars, and maintain balance, so she fell. I fell down several times and often felt sad and ashamed that I couldn't learn to ride a bicycle right away. But after a period of practice and mastering the riding skills, Gemma began to enjoy the sense of freedom and speed brought by cycling, and became more confident in herself.
? Learning to ride a bicycle can be seen as an important step for a child to become a "little adult", because during this process, the child's thinking begins to change, and he is no longer a "little adult" hiding in the arms of his parents. "Child", but like an "adult", be ready to accept setbacks at any time, and learn to overcome difficulties independently.
? When a child's thinking begins to transition from "child" to "little adult", the most obvious change is reflected in family relationships, because for children aged 6 to 7, they have no contact with the outside world. There are not many, and the focus of life is still family.
? The second aspect is changes in family relationships. When most children are young, they always subconsciously believe that their parents are supermen and have the ability to overcome all difficulties. Therefore, the children will cry for their parents after falling down, and they will yell at their parents if they want to eat ice cream. Buy because they know Mom and Dad can meet their needs.
? But now, children have more perspectives on the complex world. Just like learning to ride a bicycle mentioned above, they already know that their parents cannot learn on their behalf. In addition, parents cannot prevent their beloved cats from dying or restore their smashed vases. At this time, although parents can provide love and guidance in their children's hearts, they are not as omnipotent as they once thought.
? The book mentions a short story in "But What You Promised". The protagonist Katie once asked her parents to promise many things, which were beyond their control. One of the things was like this: Katie didn't want to go to the hospital for an injection. She wanted her parents to promise that the injection would not hurt at all, but her father disappointed her, but his words were meaningful.
? Katie's father said to his daughter: "One thing you have to learn is that parents can't control everything. When adults say 'I promise,' they usually mean 'I hope. Yes'. ”
? Since parents are not supermen, they don’t have to show themselves to be omnipotent and in control of everything. On the contrary, this will put the parents’ authority to the test and show their children openly that they are very powerful. Sorry, there is actually nothing to lose.
Although children begin to understand that their parents are no longer omnipotent supermen, psychologically, parents' care and support are still an important source of children's sense of security. But now with the opening up of the two-child policy, the number of second-child families has increased, family relationships have become complicated, and parents' attention cannot only focus on one child.
? Children after the age of 6 will slowly understand that they are no longer the center of the family, and when one child gives up his identity as a baby to give way to another baby, it will cause a series of complications. Feelings: Jealousy, comparison, competition. I feel like my mother was stolen from me and I don’t welcome the arrival of a new member of the family.
? This kind of thing is not unique. Female star Hu Ke once talked about a story about two children in a variety show.
Because he had a second child, Hu Ke was worried that his brother’s actions would hurt his younger brother Xiao Yuer, so he often said to his brother Anji: “You are the boss, you should give in to your younger brother more, and you should protect your younger brother. Don't bully your younger brother. "When two children fight for a toy, she will ask the older brother to give it to the younger brother. If the two children have a conflict, she will teach her older brother to be sensible. But gradually, Hu Ke discovered that something was wrong.
? Once, she found her brother pinching her brother hard. After she criticized him, he said something shocking to her brother. My brother said: "It's all because of you that I'm miserable now."
In real life, parents usually side with younger or weaker children, but we should also remember, 6-year-old children are still children, and we cannot ask them to remain "little adults who consider their parents" all day long, so when dealing with conflicts between children, don't forget that older children also need their parents' understanding and support.
? Later, after Hu Ke realized his mistake, he tried his best to deal with the problem in a non-personal way, instead of using the simple principle of "you are the elder brother, you must protect your younger brother". Slowly, the two children became peaceful. The older brother no longer resisted the younger brother so much, and even took the initiative to take care of the younger brother. Sometimes, the more interference parents have, the more intense the relationship between children will be. Letting children find the balance of the relationship by themselves is far more useful than parents rudely asking "the older one to give way to the younger one."
The third aspect is school life. For children, teachers play a very important role, and sometimes their authority may exceed that of parents.
? Because when children understand new things, they will use their previous relationships as references. In other words, children compete with their siblings at home and want a special place in their parents' hearts. , I compete with other students in school and want special attention from the teacher.
? So in lower primary school classes, we often see children raising their hands again and again in order to answer questions. When you are chosen to answer, your face will be full of pride, but if you are not chosen, you will feel frustrated. This psychological state in which everyone is eager to be noticed by the teacher is an effective incentive for children's learning.
? Moreover, children of this age also like to prove that they are well-behaved "good children" and strive to make their behavior conform to the norms of "little adults". If at this time the teacher establishes some clear class systems and rewards will stimulate children's natural competitive instinct and maximize their learning potential.
Next, for children aged 8 to 9, their most significant characteristic at this stage is their desire to change from a "little adult" to a "cool guy". In what aspects is a child’s “coolness” embodied?
? The first aspect is family relationships. Family relationships at this stage are different from those at the age of 6 to 7. Before the age of 8, children will have a close emotional attachment to their parents, hope to get more attention from their parents, and will be jealous of other brothers and sisters.
? But at this time, the children have changed from babies who cling to their parents to cool guys. For example, when a mother wants to kiss her child before sending her out, they turn away. When a child finds his parents kissing in the bedroom, he will not feel jealous or curious, but will quickly turn away and mutter "disgusting". This is actually because the child's early Oedipus complex gradually diminishes, so he begins to rely less on and pays less attention to his parents, and his possessiveness towards his parents is no longer as strong as before.
? What about getting along with your brothers and sisters? Children at this stage are more mature than 6 to 7-year-old children who like to compete for their parents' favor. Children aged 8 to 9 will become the older brothers and sisters of other younger children. The title of "brother and sister" will give the older children a sense of responsibility and regard it as their own responsibility to protect their younger siblings.
No matter how brothers and sisters quarrel with each other at home, when they leave the house, the older brothers and sisters will do everything possible to protect their younger siblings. This is due to the child's "cool" nature and is also driven by the sense of responsibility in the heart.
So don't worry, parents. Even if brothers and sisters fight to death at home, they will stick together and take care of each other outside.
? The second aspect is game socialization. While children aged 8 to 9 are less dependent on their families, they also show a strong interest in the outside world. In addition to being with their parents, they spend more time playing games with their friends.
In the book, the author also mentioned that children of this age really want to be part of a team, and at the same time they also want to make a friend who is very special to him. Children aged 8 to 9 usually engage in various social games. Boys may like to play football, and girls may like to jump rope. While they are looking for friends in activities, they also long to be accepted.
? The school playground is a good place for children to cultivate friendship. For example, if the class team wins a ball game, the tacit understanding cultivated by the team members' mutual cooperation during the game can easily be transformed into children's friendship. The strong friendship between them. Adults do not need to participate too much in this, they can just help from the side. The way to establish and manage friendship must be explored by the children themselves.
No matter what type of activity they are, most of them are in the form of games. Games have clear rules, which are very consistent with children’s inner needs for fairness. They have aggressive impulses and can compete through competition. Use sports and board games to let off steam while using your wits to defeat your opponents in the game.
? Competitive confrontation will attract children to a certain extent. This is an important part of children learning "competition and winning and losing". It teaches children to look at winning and losing with a normal mind and stop paying special attention to gains and losses. The "little grown-up" gradually turns into a "cool guy" who can afford to lose.
? The third aspect is reading interest. In addition to connecting with the outside world through games, reading books has also become an important way for children to actively explore the world. Especially in the 8 to 9-year-old age group, it is the time to quickly accumulate knowledge and explore more possibilities in the world.
? Learning to read and read is an important indicator for evaluating children's learning ability. It can stimulate children's natural curiosity and understand the vast world outside. So, how to cultivate children's interest in reading? The book provides us with two methods.
? The first one is home-school cooperation. The school sets up a book corner in the school to create a reading atmosphere, while parents set aside a period of time at home for parent-child reading with their children, so that they will subconsciously feel that reading is part of the family culture, and then actively participate.
? Second, use videos to assist reading. Children at this stage have a special yearning for fictional stories, and their favorite stories often have a protagonist with powerful abilities. Watching the film, children will put themselves into the role of the protagonist and establish a correct moral perspective through the experience of the character's story. At the same time, after watching, adults should encourage children to express their thoughts, which will not only deepen the impression, but also help the cultivation of children's personality.
? However, the reading level of children at this stage varies greatly. Some children can only read picture books, while some can already read the "Harry Potter" series of novels. It doesn't matter if there are differences in ability. There is no need to force children to do things they don't like. As long as children are willing to read and like reading, this in itself shows their cool side and actively connects with the world.
? In summary, let’s summarize the main content of this book.
First of all, children aged 6 to 9 are in middle childhood and are gradually getting rid of their dependence on their families. They hope that they can help their parents, but their way of expressing themselves is still clumsy, which often leads to poor result. Parents should step out of their own fixed thinking, avoid prejudice, and understand the inner thoughts behind their children's words and deeds.
Secondly, we talked about children between 6 and 7 years old, "little adults" who seem to understand but not understand.
Their personal cognitive thinking has developed rapidly, their self-awareness has begun to awaken, they have learned to overcome difficulties alone, and they have also realized that their parents are not omnipotent supermen, and that they are no longer the sole center of the family. But generally speaking, they are still relatively dependent on their families, their physical and mental development is not sufficient, and they need more time to coordinate.
? Finally, we are talking about children between the ages of 8 and 9, "cool guys" who are ready to go. They gradually master the balance of body and mind, begin to pursue personality development, and gradually shift their attention to In the world outside the family, people are eager to make friends and connect with the world.
There is no love in the world that can be perfected without reflection and practice. Let’s grow up with our children while they are still young and before we have time. This book will shake those solid things in our minds and let us see that too many things we once called correct are actually prejudices against life. After reading this book, you will realize that raising a child is actually a parent's awakening and growth of love.