Portrait of yourself
Jiang Weimin/Article
For words, I began to be afraid of desolation. After being moved, what arouses is a kind of thinking about survival, as if it is too tired. I'm afraid of this tiredness. Most people whose lives are not easy will be tired of this tiredness. Hemingway was tired and pointed the mouth of the gun barrel at his own head; Kawabata Yasunari was tired and stuffed the gas pipe into his mouth; Lao She was tired and let his soul wander in a lake of pure water... I am tired, what will happen? Woolen cloth?
Everyone mentioned above is everyone, and I cannot compare to them in any way. Therefore, I am not qualified to be tired yet. When a person lives to a certain point, he will be qualified for everything. This kind of ranking based on seniority will make people more tired, but they can't escape it unless they become gods in three days. And all this caused a kind of thinking, poignant thinking. A person who has the ability to keep his brain from pausing can recognize a few words. According to the words of the villagers, he is a person who can write in detail. According to village standards, I am. I can write a report requesting subsidies to Old Man Wang who came home from a big factory to grow corn during the 1950s "supporting agriculture"; I can also write a love letter for Ergouzi and hand it to Sanya; and I can also have enough food. When I had nothing to do after dinner, I would fly a few cents on a pile of old newspapers, euphemistically calling it: practicing calligraphy.
I have learned a lot of Chinese characters, but the Chinese characters can hardly help me in any way. Every day, I collect the words I recognize and stand on the road neatly dressed. Maintaining the stability of the town is my job. Then, he received a low salary from the town every month. I smoke cigarettes that cost two or three dollars. I basically don’t have to hand my cigarettes to others, and others basically don’t have to hand them to me - once or twice, they will find that they have folded them badly, and I will find that they have thrown most of my cigarettes into the trash can.
Everyone in this small town calls me "talented scholar", "journalist", "writer" and so on. In addition to gaining a little face and glory, I can only dream about it after a nap. These are the reasons why I fear desolation. Because my life can no longer bear that kind of enjoyment. That would make me prematurely old or die prematurely. I don’t want to not love life and love people. Although this kind of love is so insignificant to other creatures. But I still love it, with a faint light like a firefly. Some people say that it can be regarded as an ordinary kind of greatness. My days are in the midst of great ordinariness.
I also strive to create a life full of color. And I hope to be able to save some money within a year for my daughter to go to college. But every time the idea fails. Because I need basic supplies for survival, my family and I also need to see a doctor - we dare not go to the hospital. Most of the time, we go to affordable pharmacies to buy emergency medicines. As for me, if I can stand it, I’ll stand it. There is a common saying in the village: if you have money, you make the decision, but if you don’t have money, your life will be spent.
I have many physical problems since I was a child. When I was taking the college entrance examination, I had nosebleeds and dizziness every day. I was not able to see the solemn professors with and without glasses inside the courtyard walls. In my university, I studied by myself from textbooks while working. Now that I am older, I no longer have epistaxis, but I still have chest tightness and difficulty breathing. I work at my desk too much and have cervical spondylosis. I am too lazy to take care of them. I hope they will not lose their temper because of my neglect. For example, I can never think of the word death, even though this word flashes before my eyes all the time. I'm trying to suppress this thought. Life is terribly boring. Things like pressure gauges and springs, like people, have a limit. I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold them up and will burst.
There are too many days when I wonder if it would be better if I couldn’t read. I came up with answers that I didn't believe, and that wouldn't help either. In the past, when I heard other people talk about neurosis, depression, etc., I always found it a bit difficult to understand. Now it seems that it is also a kind of death, an alternative death that escapes reality and is suppressed by reality and collapses.
In many words, I pretend to be open-minded. Sometimes you can also form a few philosophical words, decorate your own appearance, and guide the lives of others like a philosopher. Now that I think about it, it's really funny. Let me ask, who doesn’t understand those teachings nowadays? Who wants to appreciate other people's Taoism? As I got a few years older, the thing I started nagging about was just a piece of footcloth belonging to the old woman.
Many of the above words are not expressed to others, but came from my random thoughts when I was alone, looking at the empty moonlight.
After typing it in the document, I took a closer look and found that it was not too embarrassing, but rather looked like a self-portrait of myself, so I decided on the title as a way to vent my anger.
As long as you don’t become an idiot.
At least before you become an idiot, you have to say one more thing: Those who are righteous will always slaughter dogs, and those who are useless will be scholars.
Jiang Weimin died in a humble house on September 3, 2006.