Sitting among a group of people I don't know for the first time and listening to different parents talking about family parenting, I learned a lot of different educational concepts, but there is still a problem I don't understand that is particularly profound: many parents told me that they spent a lot of time and energy on their children, trying to educate them to develop various good habits, but they were resisted or even rebelled by their children. They think they love their children very much, but the children don't understand, so they feel sad and at the same time they are at a loss to educate their children. It sounds to me as a bystander that they obviously want to control all the behaviors of their children and let them act completely according to their parents' wishes, not just love or education.
Psychoanalytic psychologist Fromm said: The opposite of education is control. Therefore, parents should not care too much about their children if they want to educate them well.
Parents like to control their children and ask them to obey themselves and their own arrangements. Of course, today's parents are mostly highly educated, unlike their parents in the past: "I'm Lao Zi, you have to listen to me"-if they don't listen to me, I will wait on them with a stick or scold them. Nowadays, parents respect their children on the surface, rarely scold them in their words, and will not beat them. They will reason with their children, play family cards and even give them material rewards, but you must act according to my wishes. This behavior is essentially "I want to control you".
Parents spend a lot of money to enroll their children in summer cram schools, and the children are unwilling to go. Parents began to play the family card: "This class cost me a month's salary, and I have to pick you up every day. How hard it is! " All for your future. "This is invisible control.
Under the strong control of parents, children can't get spiritual relaxation and freedom, which will inevitably have an irreparable negative impact on children in the long run.
1, suffering from procrastination.
A mother complained that her son was in the second grade of primary school. When she first entered primary school, she did her homework as soon as she came home from school. She was secretly glad that she had a sensible child. However, children nowadays always don't like to do homework. The homework of grade two can be finished in half an hour, but he dawdles until 8.9. Parental supervision and companionship are useless. He needs to go to the toilet, sharpen his pencil and drink water when he is thirsty. He just suffers from procrastination.
What is the reason why children become like this? In fact, my mother bought him an extracurricular exercise book from the bookstore. After the child finished the homework assigned by the school, her mother asked him to do two more pages of exercises in each subject. If he has spare time, let him practice his handwriting. In short, parents rarely give their children free time to play before they go to bed.
Children have a good interest in learning and can actively complete the homework assigned by the teacher. However, the mother gave her children extra homework, even more than the school homework. After a long time, children will inevitably get bored. There was no effect after the resistance, so he had to delay to avoid his homework.
2. Poor self-care ability.
A parent complained that her daughter lived in high school and never washed her underwear. Every time she goes home, she brings back a dozen pairs of dirty underwear to wash. How many times has mom told her that a girl your age should wash her underwear by herself? But my daughter wouldn't listen and my mother wouldn't wash it. She just threw away the dirty ones and asked her to buy new ones. When my mother refused to buy it in anger, she wore the front and the back until her mother compromised. Mom didn't say anything either.
When the child was young, she couldn't tie her shoes. Her parents think that she tied it badly and slowly, so they might as well help her finish it themselves. Children should learn to cook with their parents, and parents will say, "You just have to do your study well, and don't worry about the rest." ; After picking up the children from school, the heavy schoolbag was pressed on the children's shoulders, and her distressed parents quickly took it over and carried it on themselves ... Parents' love was arranged love, and when the children really grew up, they found that she could not even take care of herself.
3. Poor academic performance.
I chatted with a female classmate of mine the other day, and she said that she had done something she regretted. She and her husband divide their work according to their respective specialties. She is in charge of English and her husband is in charge of math. They do nothing after supper every day, staring at their son's homework. As a result, they stared at these two courses and thought they were the worst for children. After her son entered high school, she had vaguely realized that she was too tight with him, but it was too late.
This is a typical parent's excessive control: learning itself is a child's business, and parents take over the whole thing, which makes children dependent, their sense of autonomy becomes worse, and their learning motivation is insufficient. I found a strange phenomenon a long time ago. Among my classmates, those with good family material conditions or parents in important positions are almost all naughty and have poor academic performance. Their parents can make a difference in society, and they must be people with high IQ and high EQ. According to genetic theory, their children should also be excellent. Why is the fact just the opposite?
After I entered the society and became a mother, I gradually realized that the more successful parents are, the stronger their desire to control their children, and the worse their children will be. Parents put their successful experience on their children and expect too much from them. In fact, they put mental shackles on their children. Educator Montessori said: Children have their own inner "spiritual embryo", and children will develop according to this predetermined spiritual development model. If parents don't believe that the child has strong spiritual strength and potential, don't provide him with the environment and conditions for free development, and strongly interfere with the child's own development law, naturally he will not grow up healthily.
Children are regarded as kites, and parents are holding the strings of kites. Only by letting go can the kite fly. But parents must hold the thread in their hands, or their children may be planted if they don't fly well. So, how do parents who fly kites balance letting go and controlling?
1, completely trust children.
It is not easy to trust children. Some parents will say: You can't even eat while playing, so you can expect him to do his homework on his own initiative? However, children need to grow up, and they need to be given a time and space to adjust themselves, allowing them not to do well enough at first.
Xiao Yang is a fourth-grade boy. He has a fierce conflict with his mother every weekend. Mother thinks that he should finish his homework before playing, but Xiao Yang wants to play first and doesn't start his homework until Sunday afternoon. Mom's idea is, what if she can't finish her homework in the time set aside? Then this proves that the child has no positive learning attitude; What my son thinks is that I just need to finish my homework on time, so you don't have to worry about when I do it. Mother and son don't understand each other and often fall into a tense situation.
The mother's behavior is actually a sign of distrust of her children. Mothers can let their children arrange their own homework time and give them the right to choose which time period to do their homework. Maybe he didn't arrange it the first time and didn't finish his homework on time, so let him bear the consequences of failure: being criticized by the teacher. To allow children to make mistakes, only by correcting them can children learn the correct handling methods and grow up.
Don't expect to raise a perfect child. Parents expect too much from their children and ask them to take the lead in everything. You see, other children can talk, but my children can't call people; Other people's children can walk, but my children can't stand; Other people's children don't wear diapers at night, but my family still wears them during the day; Other people's children are always in the top few exams, and my children always make a few low-level mistakes in their papers; Their children's pianos have reached Grade 10, and no one in my family has the talent to help them ... No matter what their children do, their parents are always dissatisfied.
In fact, every child's development has its own time period, and it is not necessary to follow the standards. Everyone has his own strengths and weaknesses. If you compare your child's weaknesses with others' strengths, there is no comparison. "The feet are shorter, the inches are longer." We should recognize our children and learn to appreciate their advantages. Psychologist Wu Zhihong said: Every child is born with his own mission. If parents want to decide their children's fate, they are ruining their children's fate.
3. Rules must be based on freedom.
Teacher Yin Jianli, an educator, said: Freedom is the soil for the existence of rules, and free children can become conscious children. Parents who fly kites give their children freedom, but they will not let them fly kites aimlessly. Sometimes they need to pull, sometimes they need to let go.
For example, for those children who have no initiative, no plan and procrastination, parents can work with their children to make a study plan that suits their actual situation. Parents summarize the completion of the plan with their children every week. If it is too far away from the plan, let the children think about improvement measures and then resume classes regularly. If most children can complete the plan, then parents may let their children manage themselves instead of asking their children 100% to complete the plan.
Parents only need to control the kite string in their hands and let their children enjoy the freedom of flying in the blue sky.