A group of 4-year-old children in the kindergarten affiliated to Stanford University. The experimenter took one child to the room at a time, showed him a cotton candy, and then told the child that he would leave the room for a while, and the candy on the table could be eaten at any time. If he can wait until he comes back, he will get extra candy and biscuits as a reward. When the experimenter left, some children ate cotton candy immediately; Some people thought for a long time, but finally they couldn't resist the temptation and ate the sugar. Of course, he didn't stop until the experimenter came back, and then he had more marshmallows to eat.
The purpose of this experiment is to study how children resist instant temptation. Coincidentally, the psychologist in charge of the experiment also has his own daughter in kindergarten. A few years later, the psychiatrist occasionally heard her daughter talk about those classmates. He thought whether he could resist the temptation would be related to success. He immediately got those children back. Sure enough, those who resisted the temptation and persisted until the end were obviously more confident, competitive and efficient than those who were impatient when they entered adolescence. They would not panic and collapse easily in the face of setbacks and pressures, and they would win the trust of teachers and classmates more easily. Continuous follow-up research shows that children with strong willpower are more popular with classmates and teachers when they grow up, with higher income, less obesity and fewer drug and alcohol problems. The final result of this experiment shows that the child's self-control ability determines his future in life to some extent.
Once this result was published, it caused a sensation in the field of psychology, because few things can predict what will happen in adulthood in childhood. So an international research team conducted an ultra-long-term experiment. They selected 65,438+0,000 children in New Zealand and followed them from birth to 32 years old. Studies have found that children with strong self-control are healthier when they grow up, less likely to get sexually transmitted diseases, have more savings, have higher incomes, have more stable marriages and are less likely to go to prison. In the group with the worst self-control, 40% people have been in prison before the age of 32. Even excluding intelligence, race, social class and other factors, the above conclusion still holds.
Although these facts shocked the psychologists in Europe and America, China people must feel: "Isn't this obvious?" There's an old saying in China, you look old at three, but you're seven.
For example, those who fall in love in middle school delay their studies. The so-called female students help friends, not because the family is poor, but just to buy luxury goods, eat, drink and have fun, or eat fudge immediately.
The following is an article by Li Meijin, a professor at Public Security University, analyzing Li XX's criminal psychological problems:
Li XX's case is very clear. At the same time, there are many analyses and insightful opinions on why he committed a crime. I also think this is a case worth dissecting, especially for children's education. Because the questions raised by Li XX are representative in today's society.
One of the representatives: family integrity. Compared with many left-behind children and divorced families, Li XX has a mother and father who love him very much. Moreover, his parents have been guarding him and accompanying him to grow up. This should be the most ideal family education model. However, it is not an isolated case of Li XX that children raised by such a complete family commit crimes.
Representative 2: Food and clothing. Different from many poor families, poverty often makes caring parents feel that what they are willing to do is beyond their ability, and they have to leave their young children to work, unable to meet their children's most basic life or study needs. Even because of the poverty of families, some gifted children can't receive a good education and become the pillars of society. Instead, I gave up my studies and went to the simplest job to support my family, which was very mediocre. Compared with them, Li XX doesn't know how lucky he is.
Theory of Three Represents: Rich education. As for Li XX's growing experience, we can see that he participated in China's Olympic bid at the age of four (he can receive patriotic education), sang red songs with his father since childhood (he can be positively influenced by his father's words), studied piano at the age of four and reached the award-winning level (art cultivates sentiment), studied calligraphy at the age of eight and reached the award-winning level (calligraphy can calm people down to cultivate their morality), and practiced ice hockey at the age of ten and participated in many competitions. Reading schools from childhood to middle school are all key schools (quality education). In addition, he made many friends under the leadership of his parents since he was a child, and his society developed well (even collaborated with others to commit rape). If we say that morality, intelligence, physique, beauty and society are all-round developed (generally, "morality" is abstract, and in our education, "patriotism" and "caring for the collective" are often the main evaluation points, and Li XX is also qualified in this respect), the other four items are concrete, so he has accounted for at least four points in the five-point education.
So, his parents must not understand: We have given him such a good environment for growing up, why does he have psychological problems from breaking the law to committing crimes? In fact, it is not only his parents who need the answer to this puzzle.
From the internet, many people pointed out this point when analyzing the causes of Li XX's crime: it was his parents' doting on him that hurt him! I totally agree with that.
The question is: How does doting offset 12 the education of professional educators in at least dozens of key schools from primary school to middle school? How does doting offset the literary edification that began at the age of four? Calligraphy literacy? Physical training? What is the root of his psychological problems? What link or time did he appear in his life? Briefly explain: Li Tianyi's psychological problems mainly stem from the problem of "personality"; It happened before him 12, especially before he was 6 years old.
There are many discussions on personality and psychology. If we use keywords to introduce it, it is acquired, lifelong and social behavior. The best metaphor for understanding character is words. People can't talk when they are born. Words are formed first. However, there are obvious differences in the development of language learning at different ages. Generally speaking, the language before the age of 6 is commonly known as the mother tongue. Once you learn it, you will never forget it. Although we can still learn the language after 18, 30 and 50, our lifelong nature is getting weaker and weaker, and we forget it after learning. Therefore, the mother tongue before the age of 6 will not be easily forgotten, nor will it be easily changed or disappeared. Same personality. This metaphor tells us that character education must be cultivated intentionally before the age of 6.
Secondly, social behavior is different from many human behaviors, for example, intellectual behavior depends more on innate endowment and acquired systematic education and development; Temperament behavior depends more on his higher nervous activity types; Personality depends on the interaction between children and people around them, that is, social development. Social development is based on emotion and speech. Children with full love will naturally have good verbal development and social development.
However, emotion, speech and sociality still cannot determine a person's character. The cultivation of a person's character depends on the intentions of his parents in several aspects:
One is to say no to him before he is 6 years old. Parents should deliberately say "no" to their children when they just talk, insist and cry. This time is at the age of 2-3. Find something willful, settle down, look at him and make him cry. By watching silently, let the children know that crying is useless. This is to let him know your attitude: you can't do whatever you want. I said no, it's no use making trouble! This is to cultivate children's restraint.
The second is to deliberately delay his satisfaction before he was 6 years old. The solution is to take him to the store on purpose. Don't buy a toy the same day after reading it. Let him know what kind of expenses this toy is equivalent to at home. If you want to buy, you need to wait for your parents to go to work to earn money and save money at home. You can buy it back when you plan it. Delaying satisfaction is intended to cultivate children's patience.
The third is to seduce him before he is 6 years old. The way is to give him two days of snacks to decide how to eat, and reward him after restraint. If he lacks restraint, let him know that in the face of temptation, weigh the pros and cons first, and then restrain himself, in order to have more benefits. For tomorrow, we must restrain our desire to meet today.
When I was a child, I bought him whatever he wanted, even if it was windy or rainy. My wife says that what we lack is delaying education, which leads to children's shopping addiction. )
Personality cultivation mainly occurs before the age of 6, mainly by parents. If you don't say no to him at this stage, I'm afraid he will meet the law and say no to him when he grows up; If he is not delayed, he will follow his own desires when he grows up; If he is not trained in temptation, he will grow up to be reckless and reckless.
What Li xx lacks is only these basic family education, and what he lacks is these "lifelong character cultivation". Moreover, once you miss the basic character training, people's character defects will form. This formation, like the mother tongue, is irreversible and irreversible. This is why his behavior has not changed or disappeared since his last illegal behavior was reeducation through labor. Half a year later, he repeated his wanton behavior again. I would like to add here that there is no causal relationship between Li Tianyi's juvenile reeducation through labor and his second crime; On the contrary, there is an inevitable causal relationship between the defects of his character cultivation and his criminal behavior.
You will ask: what if you find that your child already has this personality defect? Optimistically speaking, before 18 years old and before 2 1 year old, parents and the outside world may still have "some hope of change", but if they reach adulthood, the answer is not optimistic, so we should make long-term preparations. Correcting personality defects is like treating physical chronic diseases. It is more difficult to root out the root causes. It needs the treatment of doctors, but more importantly, it needs the patient's own intentional efforts and unremitting efforts.
Some parents think they are so kind to their children, but why did he commit suicide one day just because he said a few words? Some people run away from home when they are not satisfied? I remember a mother who ran away from her child and asked, "Two days ago, when I went out to cross the street with him, he still held my hand. How did he run away when he got to school (boarding school)? I really don't know ... ". Why do you love them so much? Why do they still do this?
Children's growth needs "love", but the essence, art and expression of love are not only giving, but also satisfying, not accommodating in every way, not making children feel "happy" forever! Life and death, meeting and parting, happiness and pain have always appeared in pairs, and growing children must also experience "paired" education and psychological "reinforcement" and "negative reinforcement". The so-called "negative reinforcement" is to say "no" to a child as he grows up! It's the experience of making children cry. ...
The problem is that this "no" time should be early, and it must be before the child is 6 years old.
Fortunately, I wrote this book in 2005. After the child is 6 years old, I know that I have to delay education. I often say "no" to my children. I often consciously fail to meet children's slightly excessive needs. I often say to my children, "I won't meet all your needs." "I don't want to meet all your requirements. I don't want to buy what you want! " )
Therefore, parents' love should be artistic, and don't give children the possibility of misunderstanding! So, how to "say no" to young children? The method is:
First, the time to choose a child's early performance should generally be 3-5 years old. Before the age of 3, a child's crying is generally a manifestation of his physical pain, so crying is a signal. We should help him alleviate his pain and care for him ... However, when a child reaches the age of 3, his crying is sometimes no longer a physical pain, but an expression of intention. For example, if you take him to a friend's house and see other people's good toys, you won't give up taking them home; Take him to the mall, you have to buy something interesting, and if your parents don't buy it, they will make a scene ... When your parents find that his mentality of "not giving up until you reach your goal" appears, you should deliberately educate him to say no.
(For example, when I was young, in summer, my child was thirsty and wanted to drink water. I was in a hurry, crying for a bowl. Sometimes there is just no water at the right temperature, so you don't have to find many bowls like many mothers. You are too busy to care about anything else. You keep blowing through your mouth and comforting your child: OK, OK. You can say to your child: don't worry, wait a while ... he is still in a hurry, it doesn't matter, let him wait and worry. Next time, tell him the same thing Next time, repeat it … many times, and it will become a habit. I remember someone saying that a good habit needs to be repeated more than 20 times. )
Second, we should pay attention to the "no" environment, so that children can face you alone, not in front of everyone or other relatives. So, no matter where he confronts you or fights with you, don't be impatient. Take the children home, it is best to choose the bedroom, because there is nothing dangerous in the room. You put him in the bedroom, close the door and let him face you alone. He will feel a kind of situational pressure and then tell him (her), "What you did today is wrong! Don't do this next time! ……"
Third, if you do this for the first time, the child may continue to cry ... At this time, parents should not hit him, scold him, or reason with him at this time, because he is still young and he still doesn't understand many words. Don't go away, because let him always feel your uncompromising attitude. Therefore, the best way is to sit in front of him and watch him cry. It doesn't matter that he will be sad and angry at first. Because all his resistance ability now is crying, when he cried, his head hit the foot of the bed, but he must know the pain and won't hit it again ... and your "persistence" at this time is to show him your attitude. Don't be ambiguous, be firm! It's good for both you and him.
-This way of "saying no" is to tell the child by handling an incident: You have done something wrong, I will not give in, and I will not feel bad again. My love for you is limited, it depends on your own performance!
All children will perceive your reaction from it. He will understand as long as you make up your mind. From then on, he won't be so hard on you! Then, you should carry out persuasion and education, bite the hand that feeds you, and let him know that his parents love him, but they have not given in to him-the sooner this "contest", the better.
Look at the parents' practice in the famous Harvard Girl Liu Yiting:
I firmly believe that the foundation of personality is laid in the early years. Living habits, parents' attitudes and family atmosphere in the first few years will gradually become the personality characteristics of children in the future. Every habit is particularly important in the first few days of its formation. Therefore, everything insisted that Tinger should do as required from the beginning. From the beginning, Tinger was not allowed to do anything she shouldn't do, and no matter how she cried, she would never give in.
Some parents feel soft when they see their children crying, but if they are slightly unhappy, they will solve it by crying. I think crying adults will satisfy him, and crying is a threat to adults. Since Tinger left her grandmother's house, I greeted her in advance: Don't try to cry for anything at any time. After one or two experiences, Tinger understood that it is useless to cry. Only by doing as required is the only way to solve the problem.
In order to prevent Tinger from developing a bad character of not cherishing things, paying attention to material enjoyment, wasting money and not caring about others, I never easily meet Tinger's material requirements for fear that she is used to getting something for nothing. Moreover, in order to cultivate her good character of sharing weal and woe, I never let her eat anything delicious alone. Although my salary was not enough for mother and daughter to eat fruit at that time, I still stubbornly shared a fruit with her every day, which made her feel that "sharing" was normal and pleasant, and "taking it all away" was abnormal and shameful.
In order to strengthen her self-control, I often take Tinger to the door of the mall on my way off work, and then let her choose: "If you don't ask me to buy something, we will go in. If you ask me to buy something, we won't go in. " You choose. "Tinger always says," Mom, I won't let you buy anything. "I took her shopping and taught her all kinds of things.
The places where we stay the most are toy cabinets and food cabinets. The assistant uncle in the toy cupboard always lets Ting try all kinds of new toys, which is the happiest time for Ting to go shopping. The worst time is probably going to the pantry. At that time, some new foods with more and more beautiful packages appeared on the counter almost every day, not to mention Ting Er. Even I want to try it, but Ting always puts up with it and never asks me to buy it. Repeating this process of restraining desire for a long time and many times is of great benefit to cultivating Tinger's self-control. From small to large, Tinger easily resisted all kinds of temptations, big and small, and insisted on acting according to rational choices. It should be said that it is this powerful self-control that helps her effectively reduce the probability of detours.
Parents who do not love their children are rare in the world. For China people, love is basically not a problem, but love too much. For many years, it has always been a couple, a child, two people, and sometimes the children's grandparents, grandparents, and a team deal with a child, usually love too much, and love is overflowing. A child who seems to be submerged in the ocean of love is not necessarily happy.