Let’s not talk about the oblique meter for now
The first impression of this poem is that it is jerky.
Several more serious problems:
First of all, there are too many old sentences
Ask to accompany the carp to ask questions about warmth and coldness, and blue birds to visit
< p>Three of the 8 sentences are composed by predecessors, which makes the whole poem feel very pieced together. This kind of problem must be avoided in future worksSecondly, the structure and language are relatively different. It’s confusing, and the emotion expressed is not obvious
The sentence begins with a dream comeback, but the couplet gives people the feeling of visiting someone else’s house. No family atmosphere was shown. The so-called "carp pair" is too formal and serious, as if the phrase "family strictness" pops up, which seems abrupt and unfriendly.
The third couplet should express the dream of returning to hometown, but the road is far away, and the urgent feeling of homesickness. But there are two disadvantages: First, Xiaohan means Jiuzhongtian. It is overused here and seems long-winded and boring. The second is whether it is appropriate to float into the sky. Since I'm homesick, I should be more lively and thoughtful. Floating and floating in the air, although it has the meaning of ethereal mood, but it seems to be far-fetched. The blue bird at the end is attentive, and the blue bird is the messenger. Li Yishan was about to arrive at Pengshan and asked Qingniao, since you are already home, why bother asking others to "visit" you.
Finally, the whole poem contains too many clichés and lacks true feelings. Although the author's feelings were very sincere when he wrote the poem, they were not fully displayed. There is no warmth in the description of scenes in several places, and some of the text could use some more scrutiny.
Then let’s talk about legal issues.
Every sentence of this poem is glued, and the two sentences in the middle seem to be couplets, so it should be a rhythmic poem. But there are also many places where laws are given.
First of all, Shuo rhyme
If it is Pingshui, Wantan and Kan belong to three different rhymes respectively. Among them, Wan and Kan can be used interchangeably, but Tan cannot (Guyin Tanhe The pronunciation of salt is relatively close)
The word "mu" is pronounced obliquely, and the word "strict" should also be considered. Because if the word "mu" cannot be pronounced, it is Sanping tone. Even if you want to resist the rescue, you must pay attention to the clear distinction between two, four and six. Generally, you cannot rescue like this (not to mention that this sentence does not require rescue).
"More than a hundred miles" is not good either. There is a dull ending, which should generally be avoided.
The word "I" is overused.
"Tao accompanies the carp right" and "Welcome to the warm and cold" do not match, and the hall and the station do not match; "Northern distance" also has problems with "Yao Ju", neither of which is a working pair.
The starting sentence is okay, and the third couplet is better, but on the one hand, the meaning is old, and on the other hand, the writing needs to be improved.
In general, the emotion that this poem wants to express is very sincere, but it is not fully expressed. Overall there is room for improvement. I hope the original poster will consider it again and write a more satisfactory poem as soon as possible.
The kind-hearted Dr. Su Su spent half an hour writing in ink, and formed a rhyme, which he and the poster shared
We are only a hundred miles apart, but I can’t go back after menstruation. Also
The wind blows with the clouds and the water, and the two places express their feelings to the paper kite
After the rain, it is cool in autumn and you have to wear a quilt, and the light is warm at night, so I encourage you to have a meal
Then The feeling of sadness is new in the times, and it is difficult to write a book about saying goodbye
Note: The flat water rhyme of the two characters "Ji" and "Bi" is the entering tone, which belongs to 廄