Do you still remember me? One time we went to climb a cliff and you accidentally fell. I quickly asked you: "Did you get hurt?" You said in panic: "I don't know... we haven't reached the bottom yet!"
: 23
After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said: "Pick up the pickles and pickles and pickles!"
(Translation: Now let’s invite the township magistrate to speak!)
The township head said: "Rabbits, today's rice is eaten by dogs, and everyone is a big bastard!"
(Translation: Comrades, today's rice is enough, everyone is a big bowl!)
No pickles, I’ll pick up dog poop and lick it for you. ． ．
(Translation: Don’t talk, let me tell you a story...)
A county magistrate with a heavy accent came to the village to make a report: "Rabbits, shrimps, Pig tail! No pickles, pickles are too expensive!”
(Translation: Comrades and villagers, please be careful! Don’t talk, it’s a meeting now!!)
The coach said: "The first class kills the chicken, the second class steals the eggs, I will make porridge for you."
(Translation: The first class shoots, the second class drops the bomb, I will give you a demonstration.)
p>
"Lie Chun" "I'm Stupid"
The dark plum blossom smells the flowers, I have no culture
The lying branch is full of sadness, my IQ is very low,
I hear it lying like water in the distance. If you want to ask me who I am,
it is easy to see the spring green. A big stupid ass.
The shore looks green, I am a donkey,
The shore looks green, I am a donkey,
The shore looks green, I am a stupid donkey< /p>
Confessions of a network administrator
98% of the current Internet cafe guests are stupid. They can’t turn on the computer, switch input methods, convert letters to uppercase and lowercase, how to play private server login I can’t use it, I can’t open voice on QQ, I won’t exit the game after entering it, the private server is shut down and it says there’s a problem with my machine, **, I really want to crush him to death, then knead him into a ball, and then knead him into a twist. Put it in a frying pan and fry it, then take it out and stomp it to pieces
I can’t open the MIC for voice chat, so I said the headset in the Internet cafe is broken.
Watching a movie doesn’t sound like it’s in Mandarin!< /p>
Ask me: "Network administrator, do you have any porn movies to watch?" I said no, he blamed the incomplete movies!
I can't log in to QQ, saying the machine is not good! I ran over and took a look, and found out the password No, that girl asked me what my password was!!!!
There was another even more powerful girl. She accepted a video from an unknown netizen, called me over, and asked me about the person in the video. Who is it!!!
I fainted, I still have this ability!!!!!!!
Play CS and someone fired a smoke bomb, he was dodged and shouted wildly : The network administrator is down...
The day before yesterday, a stupid girl chatted on QQ and asked me how to type. I asked her, don’t you know how to type? She said she would. I said, then you can just type (and help her adjust the input method at the same time), and called me again after a while. Said: Network administrator, why can’t I type? I asked her what she wanted to type but couldn't type it out. She told me, "Please type "Hello" first", and I typed it for her. Then you know what she said. Don't leave. Just sit next to me and help me type. He looks exactly like a dinosaur. Today, a fool asked me, "Why don't I have QQ coins here as a network administrator? Please help me download some QQ coins...**, if that thing can be downloaded~!" I don’t have to fucking go to work
When the school started to roll call, a class teacher came up with an original idea and said to the students: "I will read out my student number. You can tell me your name so that everyone knows each other, okay?"
"No. 001!"
"Report to the teacher, my surname is Jiao, and my name is Jiao Pei." The teacher was a little dizzy and asked: "Who gave this to you?"
"My dad." "What does your dad do?"
"Open a breeding pig factory!"
"No. 002!"
A girl stood up: "Teacher, my surname is Zhang, and my name is Zhang Dekai."
"No. 003!"
"Teacher, I am Zhang Dekai's twin brother "My name is Zhang Bukai." "Who gave you this name?"
"It's my dad. He sells pliers." The teacher quickly drank some water.
"No. 004!"
"Report to the teacher, my surname is Ou (the character is pronounced "Ou") and my name is Ou Ye (oh yeah). This is the name given to me by my mother. She said that she had just blasted a computer game when she gave birth to me. "The teacher felt a little uncomfortable.
"No. 005!"
"Report to teacher, Ganniang!" "Why are you swearing?!"
"No! Teacher, I My surname is Gan, my name is Ganniang, and my father is a wine maker." The teacher took a pill.
No. 006! "
"Teacher, my surname is Gou, and my name is Goubuli. "
"Your father runs a bun shop, right? ! "
"Teacher, you are so smart! "The teacher is already a little unsteady.
"No. 007! "
"My surname is Kuai (pronounce it quickly and pronounce it in the third tone.) My name is Kuai Huo. ”
“Don’t tell me that your dad runs a warehouse. "
"Teacher, you are so old-fashioned, my dad is a pimp. ” Blood was already oozing from the corners of the teacher’s mouth.
"No. 008!"
"Teacher, go to hell!" "What? What did you say?!"
"I mean my surname is Ni , called Ni to go to the temple. My mother is a Buddhist, isn’t my name interesting? "
"Interesting, interesting." The teacher almost burst into tears.
"No. 009!"
"Teacher, I will tell you next time." "Why do you have to tell me next time? You tell me now!"
"No. La! Teacher, my surname is Xia, my name is Xia Huishuo, and my father is a storyteller." The teacher was already feeling dizzy.
"No. 010!"
"Teacher, my surname is Gao, and my name is Gao Wan."
"My surname is Mei, and my name is Mei Liangliang."
p>
"My surname is Wu, and my name is Wu Qing."
"My surname is Mao, and my name is Mao Rongrong.".........
The teacher looked up to the sky and roared: "Oh my God "What kind of students did I meet?" The teacher spit out blood and collapsed to the ground.
The spirit of a thief
The first time I got on the bus, everyone except 1 I didn't bring anything with me. Sitting from the starting station to the final station, I felt peaceful all the way. But when I got off the bus at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "It's a shame for a grown-up to go out without taking any money with him. - Sincerely, The Thieves Company."
The second time, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession, thank you. - Sincerely, The Company of Thieves."
The third time, I still broke my wallet and found 100 yuan in counterfeit bills. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "It is illegal to conceal counterfeit banknotes of large denominations. Please go to the relevant departments and hand them in. Thank you. - Sincerely, The Thief Company."
In Chapter 4, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the phone was still there, and there was an additional note: "Please don't make this joke and affect the normal work of our company, thank you. - Sincerely, The Thief Company."
In the fifth episode, I took a toy pistol and stuck it on my waist. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the gun was missing and a note was stuffed in the waistband of my pants: "I hate you the most when it comes to robberies. You have no technical skills at all! Confiscated crime tools! - Sincerely, The Thieves Company."
The 6th time, I was about to get on the bus, but there were too many people and I couldn’t get in. While I was waiting for the next bus, I touched my pocket and found an extra 20 bucks and a note: "Brother, it's not easy for people in our line of work to be exposed to the sun and wind all day long. Here's my 20 bucks." , take a taxi wherever you want, please stop teasing us! ——Thieves Company."
So, I also started pressing the keyboard! I pressed hard! I pressed hard! I pressed faster than them! It was louder than them!
They couldn’t help but look over, and I I deliberately glanced at them with contempt! Their expressions changed and they glared at me fiercely! I immediately stared back!
They continued to play Power 5 with livid faces, but the noise exceeded mine!
p>How could I be willing to do so? So, I simply slapped the keyboard with the palm of my hand! Shoot hard! Shoot hard!
The two guys lost their enthusiasm at first sight and started shooting. Keyboard! The sound is louder than mine again!
How can I give up? Immediately hit the keyboard with my fist! Hit it hard! Hit it hard!
The two people looked at each other. I started hitting the keyboard! The sound surpassed me again! I didn’t give up! I ripped off the keyboard and threw it directly on the ground! I stepped hard! I stepped hard!
Everyone in the Internet cafe turned to me The warmest applause! The two non-mainstream people were dumbfounded and at a loss!
However, under my provocative eyes, they also became angry! They also tore off the keyboard! I threw it on the ground and trampled it to pieces! Then they looked at me provocatively!
At this time, the network administrators of the Internet cafe surrounded them! One network administrator looked at the keyboard that had been trampled to pieces by them. I slapped him in the face! Then the network administrators swarmed up and beat the two non-mainstream people!
Finally, the two non-mainstream people were lying on the ground, and one of the non-mainstream people pointed at me and asked weakly: " Why...don't you hit him?"
A network administrator kicked him: "I play CS, so I brought my own keyboard!"
Zhu Bajie is here While making out with Chang'e on the moon, suddenly a black shadow passed by. Zhu Bajie hurriedly chased him with a nail rake. After a while, he came back and said: Damn it, Yang Liwei...
A driver drove a truck full of hens and teased his parrot while driving. A beautiful girl hit the truck. The driver put the parrot in the truck box with the hens and asked the beautiful girl to sit in the cab. After driving for a while, the driver asked the beautiful woman tentatively: "Can I kiss you?" The beautiful woman shook her head very shyly and said, "No." After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked again: "Can I give you a hug? The beauty still shook her head and said: "No." The driver said angrily: "If you can't, just get off." After driving for a while, the driver felt that what he was doing was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and asked the beauty to get in the car. But after driving for a while, the driver stopped. Not giving up, she asked again: "Can I kiss you?" The beauty still shook her head, "Can I hug you?" The beauty still shook her head, "If not, go down.
"After repeating this three times, we finally arrived at the chicken farm. The driver opened the car and saw that there were not many hens left. The parrot picked up a hen and asked, "Can I kiss the beauty?" "The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked again: "Can I hug the beauty? "The hen still shook her head. The parrot said: "If it doesn't work, go down. "The hen was thrown out of the car...
The little white rabbit was walking in the forest. When he met the big bad wolf, he came up and gave the little white rabbit two The big-eared post said, "I asked you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit was aggrieved and withdrew.
The next day, she jumped out of the house wearing a hat and met the big boy again. The gray wolf came up and gave the little white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I'll let you wear a hat." "
Rabbit was depressed. After thinking for a long time, he finally decided to complain to Tiger, the king of the forest.
After explaining the situation, Tiger said, "Okay, I understand. I will handle the matter, you have to trust the organization." On the same day, Tiger found his buddy, the Big Bad Wolf. "It's not appropriate for you to do this. It's making it difficult for me to handle it." After saying that, he wiped the cigarette ashes falling on the table: "Do you think this will work?" You can say, Tutu, come here and find me a piece of meat! She found a fat one, but you said you wanted a thin one. She found a thin one, but you said you wanted a fat one. Wouldn't that be enough to beat her up? Of course, you can say the same. Tutu, come here and find me a woman. She found a plump one, but you said you liked a slim one. She found a slim one, but you said you like plump ones. You can beat her well and forcefully." The big bad wolf nodded frequently and clapped his hands, his respect for the tiger once again reaching a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above instructions were overheard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. . I hate this.
The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence, the big bad wolf came towards him. The big bad wolf said: "Rabbit, come here and find me." Get some meat. Tutu said: "Then, do you want to be fat or thin?" "After hearing this, the Big Bad Wolf felt his heart sink and then feel happy. Fortunately, he still had Plan B. He then said, "Tutu, Mali'er, find me a woman. Tutu asked: "So, do you like plump ones or slim ones?" "The Big Bad Wolf was silent for 2 seconds, then raised his hand and gave Tutu two big-eared posts even harder. "Fuck, I told you not to wear a hat. "
The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" "
Boss: "Ah, I'm so sorry, there aren't that many"
"That's it. . . "The little white rabbit left dejectedly.
The next day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" "
Boss: "I'm sorry, but there's still no one."
"That's it. . . "The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.
On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" "
The boss said happily: "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today!" ! "
The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two! "
The prisoner was executed. Due to the poor quality of the bullets, the first shot did not go off, and then the second shot was fired... The third shot... At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff. The thigh said: Brother, strangle me to death! It’s so damn scary...
一
A certain mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, so, The dean convened a meeting with patients at the meeting.
The dean said: "This afternoon, very important leaders are coming to visit, and everyone must go to the door to welcome them. During the welcome, all the patients stood on both sides of the hospital gate and stood neatly. When I coughed, everyone applauded together, the more enthusiastically the better; When stamping your feet, you must all stop, and no one can make a mistake. As long as everyone is ready, we can have meat buns for everyone tonight. As long as one person messes up, everyone will have no buns to eat. Remember
? "The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember! ”
That afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the door, the welcoming patients were already standing at the door.
At this time, as the director coughed, All the patients applauded and the atmosphere was very warm. Infected by the warm atmosphere, they applauded with everyone and walked into the hospital.
In the hospital, the dean stamped his foot, and all the applause stopped. Only the leader was still applauding with a smile on his face
The dean was very satisfied. Suddenly, a sick man as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcoming crowd. He strode up to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face, and shouted angrily - —“You don’t want to eat steamed buns anymore? ! ! ! ”
There were three people competing in shooting skills, with a black man holding something as a target.
The first man placed an apple on the black man’s head, then raised his hand and shot the apple to pieces 10 meters away. He blew the gun and said: I 'm Zorro!
The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then, 50 meters away, he raised his hand and shot the cherry to pieces. He blew on the muzzle of the gun and said: I' m007
The third man put a sesame seed on the black man’s head, then raised his hand and shot the black man’s head 100 meters away, and he also blew The muzzle said: I'm sorry...
. Get away as far as your thoughts go!
A man’s lies can deceive a woman for a night, and a woman’s lies can deceive a man for a lifetime!
6. If you cannot put your woman into a wedding dress, then never stop unbuttoning her clothes!
7. Go the way of NB and let SB speak!
8. Water can carry a boat and cook porridge!
9. Zi said on the river: "It would be great to have a boat!"
10. Driving is not difficult, I'm afraid there are new people!
........................
1. We are looking for little girls, and *** will come with you to water; I will water the head of the Yangtze River, and you will water the tail of the Yangtze River. .
2. Love at first sight, then fades away, and is exhausted after three.
3. A person is not alone, only when he wants to be alone is he lonely.
4. Born, easy. Life is easy. Life is not easy.
5. If I could see my back, I think it must be very sad, because I left all my happiness in front!
6. Work QQ, no small talk, if you want to force a chat, it will cost 50 cents per word; punctuation marks, half price, 20% off for more than 1,000 words; emoticons, 10 yuan monthly subscription, voice and video, not available yet Activation; make payment first and then chat, chat as soon as payment is received, pay online, provide invoice; no monthly rent payment, individual charges, holidays and weekends, business as usual; agents wanted ```
2.Spring Beauty The whole garden couldn't be closed, so I pulled Hongxing out of the wall.
3. Do you think I will watch you die? I'll close my eyes.
6. I regard money as dirt, and my father regards me as a cesspit. (recommended by lyra)
7. I drank to drown the pain, but this damn pain learned to swim.
2. I am not a casual person, but I am not a casual person.
3. I am in the world, but there are no legends about me in the world...
4. Follow other people's paths and leave others with nowhere to go.
5. I would rather believe that there are ghosts in the world than believe in a man’s bad mouth!
1. If the water is extremely clear, there will be no fish; if the people are extremely humble, they will be invincible.
2. The one riding the white horse may not be a prince, he may be Tang Monk; the one with wings may not be an angel - my mother said, it is a birdman.
3. Time is the same as cleavage, there is still some space if you squeeze it.
4. One mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, unless there is one male and one female.
5. Don’t be careless about an animal that bleeds for a week and still survives...
6. I, a college student, have goals in life: a peasant woman, a mountain spring, and some farmland.
7. Women remember: they must eat well, sleep well and drink well. Once we are exhausted, other women will spend our money, stay in our room, sleep with our husband, have sex with our boyfriend, and even beat our children.
QQ Group "Handsome Guys Village" Announcement
1. In spring, I buried myself in the land at the entrance of the village, and in autumn I harvested many handsome guys. Then I changed the name of the village to "Handsome Guy Village", and I got my wish and became the village chief.
4. The trouble with chocolate is: when you eat it, it’s gone.
5. Don’t wait until everyone says you are ugly to find out that you are really ugly.
6. If my friends can sell them for five yuan each, I can make a small fortune.
7. A big belly is not scary. What is scary is that it is big and empty.
8. The biggest advantage of going on a blind date is that if there are problems in your marriage in the future, you can shift the responsibility to the matchmaker.
9. If a woman shows herself to be generous first, then a man will not dare to be stingy.
10. People are born on the bed and die on the bed. If they want to live or die, they are also on the bed.
Anya's QQ signature
1. Wizard, please tell the princess that I am still on the road of overcoming thorns and thorns. There are still snow mountains that have not been climbed, rivers that have not been crossed, dragons that have not been killed, and beautiful women that have not yet been conquered. Bubble...tell her to continue sleeping!
2. The person I love is a stunning beauty, and one day she will come to marry me riding a fire-breathing dinosaur. However, at the end of the story, I only saw her mount, but not its owner.
1. If a tree doesn’t want its bark, it will definitely die; if a person doesn’t have shame, it will be invincible.
2. Do nothing but do nothing, do nothing but do nothing. (Dai Jianwei)
3. The true meaning of an iron rice bowl is not to have food to eat in one place, but to have food to eat wherever you go throughout your life. (Su Mei)
4. The saucy will return to the saucy, and the saucy will have the chastity of the saucy; the lowly will return to the lowly, and the lowly will have the dignity of the lowly.
5. If eating more fish can make people smarter, then I must have eaten at least a pair of whales...
6. Success in life does not lie in getting a good pair of whales. cards, but how to play bad cards well.
He debuted at the age of 7.0, and is making progress every day at the age of 10. At the age of 20, you have lofty ideals, and at the age of 30, you work hard to become stronger. The 40-year-old is basically oriented, the 50-year-old is popular everywhere. I play mahjong when I am 60 years old, and hang out everywhere when I am 70 years old. The 80-year-old Lala lives at home, and the 90-year-old hangs it on the wall!
8. When you were born, you cried and everyone smiled; when you left, you smiled and everyone cried.
9. Stand taller and pee farther.
10. Wear other people’s shoes, walk your own path, and let them find it.
11. In a few decades, we will meet, be sent to the crematorium, and burn to ashes. You will be in a pile, I will be in a pile, no one knows each other, and we will all be sent to the countryside to be used as fertilizer. .
1. You can’t have both fish and bras.
2. Experts look at doorways, laymen look at sidewalks.
3. Don’t step on the wild flowers on the roadside!
I don’t know how to play chess, calligraphy and painting, but I feel tired from doing laundry and cooking.
：Give me a girl and I can create a nation.
Ugly girls tend to cause mischief, and black buns tend to contain vegetables.
: Let me tell you that the teacher is very angry now, and the consequences are very serious (after his Nth blind date failed).
It may seem possible, but it may not be impossible.
What you have said does not count, the people you like change every day.
Have three meals in the morning, noon and evening, and eat six meals before and after meals.
1. Offline on time at 12 midnight! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.
2. Hello, is this China Mobile? My name is China Unicom and my PHS is broken. Can you send China Railway Telecom to fix it?
3. I am an academician of the Advanced Diving Academy of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, a Nobel Prize for long-term disconnection, and an Oscar for lifetime invisibility...
5. Don’t worry, I’ve lost my appetite when I see you. , what else to talk about sexual desire!
6. Although I am sleeping naked, I can plug and play...
7. In the process of being quartered by five horses - do you want a piece?
8. God said: "Let there be light." I said: "No!" So we had dark night.
9. I pinned the KONKA TV remote control to my waistband and pretended to have bought a new NOKIA mobile phone.
10. I think I would enjoy the morning if it came later.
1. I can’t give you happiness, but I can give you comfort!
2. Life is so fucking fun, because life keeps fucking playing with me.
3. Buddha said: "It takes 500 looks back in the past life in exchange for one pass in this life." I would rather exchange one pass in the next life in exchange for 500 looks back in this life.
4. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I used them to roll my eyes.
7. I wanted to fall in love prematurely, but it was too late...
A pair of lovers were caught by savages in the mountains and said, "You eat each other's shit and then let you go." The lover did it, and the woman cried loudly on the way back. The man asked why, and the woman sadly said: You don't love me, otherwise you wouldn't poop so much!
There was a mother taking a bath with her baby son Binbin. Binbin pointed to her mother's black baby and asked, "What is that?" Mom replied, "That's mom's garage." Binbin pointed to her baby and asked, "Mom, what is that?" Mom. Answer him: "That's Bingbin's car!" Bingbin said: "Then can I drive my car into your garage and park it?" Mom said: "No! It belongs to your father tonight. The 'big truck' is coming."
At night, Binbin sneaked into his parents' room.
"Dad! Dad!" Binbin shouted: "Your parking skills are really bad. After parking for so long, the two rear wheels of your 'big truck' are still outside the garage.