Looking back, is there such a "duplicity" in your life? When you clearly love someone, you will say something that hurts him. Clearly care about each other, but show a look of indifference. Strange, why can't you always speak with your conscience? Popular science writer seaweed bear explains why we always say what we should and should not say.
Fur bear, KIDISLAND children island
Have you ever encountered such a situation in your life?
Primary school:
"I spend my money, do I still need to report to you?" Your father came back drunk and pushed your mother to the ground. There are all kinds of utensils everywhere in the house. He keeps saying that he cares about you, but you can't see his love. So you are determined not to be like him when you grow up.
When in love:
"If you want to go, I really don't care. In fact, you are weak, just pretending to be strong. If you show that you care about him, you lose. As a result, he really went. Really stupid and naive. I mean you.
After marriage:
"Do you think of this place as a hotel? I only work and don't care about this family! Then he sighed and showed a tired expression, hiding his head in the computer. You think he is qualified to shout tired, but at the same time you regret it, because you obviously want his love, but you pushed him away.
After having children:
"How can you be so stupid! Can't you watch the road when you walk? The child fell while walking and was almost killed by the car opposite. In fact, you are worried and distressed, but you use scolding to express it. Calm down and think about it. In fact, behind this kind of worry, you may have something "more worried". " If the child becomes, what will others think of me? " 」
"I have spent money to give you a tutorial, and the result is still in the exam. Do you know how much effort I have spent on you? " You say. In fact, you are worried that he will be looked down upon by others when he is admitted to a school you have never heard of, but what you said will make the distance between the two people farther and farther. And from the children's eyes looking at the floor without talking, you seem to see yourself curled up in the ruins many years ago, cursing.
Did you find it? Single cycle, karmic detonation! In fact, we have been living in an "inconsistent" circle since birth, and this inconsistency has been passed down from generation to generation. Why can't we always tell each other how we feel, but express my closeness in such a distant way?
The answer is simple because we are afraid of being hurt and disappointed, but because of this fear, we are all disappointed.
We can't talk or understand those hurtful words and refusal, The Secret Behind.
The story of a silver candy:
Today, bear, I'm going to tell a story about silver candy (quoted from Satya's dialogue exercise). In the bustling market, in front of a booth selling silver candy, a three-year-old boy was crying loudly with silver candy. Next to her is a helpless mother, a boss who always wants her children to obey.
"Didn't you say you want to eat? Don't eat now. If you don't eat, don't eat. " Mom took the sugar away.
"I want to eat!" The child is crying and making noise.
"So don't! Don't do that either! what are you going to do？ If you make trouble again, your mother will ignore you. " Mother got angry and added fuel to the fire.
"Brother! Are you all right? " Teacher A Jian walked slowly over, squatted down and gently held the child's hand and asked. I didn't expect the child to cry louder, but not angry tears, but wronged tears.
"You look sad and worried, don't you? Teacher A Jian said. The boy nodded, and his crying subsided a little. What's the matter? " Teacher A Jian asked. "I want to eat sugar." The child pointed to the candy on the stall and said.
"Do you want to eat the candy my mother took?" Teacher A Jian pointed to the candy in his mother's hand. The child shook his head and said no, "You want to eat candy, but don't eat that candy, right?" Teacher A Jian confirmed with the child. The child nodded again, and his expression eased a lot.
After repeated confirmation, Teacher A Jian found that the silver candy in his mother's hand accidentally fell to the ground (but his mother didn't notice it), so he certainly wanted to eat silver candy, but it wasn't "the dirty silver candy in his mother's hand". Finally, my mother found out the situation and was annoyed that the boss didn't pay attention to hygiene (in fact, the boss found out that he deliberately fooled the past) and felt that the boss was not honest enough. On the one hand, I am angry with the child. Why didn't you make it clear earlier But the question is, does my mother really have a good chance to give my children a chance to make it clear?
If we look at this story carefully, you will find that almost all the characters in it are "inconsistent" except Teacher A Jian:
A mother who clearly cares about her children but expresses anger.
I want to eat candy, but I cry and push my mother's child away.
A boss who wants to cover up his mistakes and get away with it.
Looking back, is there such a "duplicity" in your life? Strange, why can't you always speak with your conscience?
Words don't match deeds, I promise you:
"If a person does the same thing over and over again and brings him some pain, then this pain must also bring him some satisfaction. Sometimes that kind of "inconsistency between words and deeds" will expand the contradiction between two people, but it will also protect the other party from harm to a certain extent. For example, a couple said this conversation "quite calmly" at dinner:
A: "Tomorrow is the third anniversary of our relationship! 」
B: "Oh, I see. 」
A: "I didn't expect time to pass so quickly. 」
B: "Yes. 」
The above may be their heartfelt words. Neither of them said what they really wanted to say (smart you can try to infer what they really wanted to say in this "high-level" conversation). On the surface, they communicate as mature adults, but the lost children can't get good comfort.
The reason why two people maintain this "fake peace" is to "avoid conflicts."
A is really in a hurry to celebrate, and B may not be listening at all (or just busy, of course). When B didn't make a special response, A would send out another vague invitation, but B still didn't catch it. If A doesn't want to argue, stop here. This relationship is interactive. Maybe B may think that the place to discuss and celebrate will be regarded as suspicious by the other party, or B may have no feelings about this relationship and just perfunctory. When B finds that such a response can maintain peace, this shallow interaction will enhance the behavior of two people. The next time you encounter a "taboo topic" that is difficult to discuss, you can "slip through" in the same way.
Different words and deeds can also hurt you:
In important relationships, you are afraid to tell your true feelings. If the other person can't catch you, he may step on your pain point. Over time, you are like a silkworm baby wrapped in a shell. If you want it, you sayno. If you don't want it, you reluctantly agree. You hide your sadness with anger and your deeper fear with tears. Besides, the other party will do the same.
Just like the previous example, when B "glides" through A's real needs for a long time, two people may be able to maintain an imaginary peace for a while, but the feud is like a super business gathering place. When you accumulate an explosion, the damage to the relationship may be difficult to estimate (a nuclear bomb concept).
So, before it becomes a nuclear bomb, is it possible to solve the problem at the poached egg level (what metaphor is XD)? If you focus on "solving", you may hit a wall. In fact, 69% of the contradictions in marriage are insoluble (welcome to the dark world! )。 In these conflicts, 16% will be deadlocked in the discussion.
So a better way is to "understand" rather than "solve". But understanding these two words is easier said than done. Next, I'm going to tell you this method that I think is very useful these days. It can be used in your daily communication, information and even self-awareness with your child or partner.
Sartre with iceberg metaphor:
Remember the story of Nigel's little dog? Think of anger as an iceberg. Under it, there may be complex emotions such as "inferiority, misunderstanding, rejection, fear, fear and fragility". Anger is an emotion, and there is no difference between good and bad. However, people who are always angry are likely to have a soul that is afraid of being hurt. I took the lead because I was afraid of getting hurt. It seems that you are angry with others, but in fact you are angry with yourself.
According to Virginia Satya, a family therapist, there is an iceberg hidden in all human communication (personal iceberg metallurgy in Satya mode):
1. Event: On the surface of the story, it may be that I stepped on the breaking point of Neger from my speech, which was Negerson on July 7.
2. Behavior: The communication attitude is "accusatory".
3. Feeling: I am afraid of losing my position and being looked down upon.
4. Opinion: I can't show weakness first. Tigers will be regarded as sick cats if they don't show off.
5. Expectation: I hope I am strong, I hope others will obey me, and I hope I can meet other people's expectations (for example, I look like a big brother and be a person with shoulders).
6. Desire: Want to be loved, accepted and recognized.
7. Myself: I am a "true temperament" person.
Of course, this iceberg is different for everyone, and others can't guess their most accurate ideas (so the above analysis may not be in line with the situation of the parties), but it is precisely because of this that "dialogue" is needed. When you are angry, you can ask yourself: What thoughts and expectations are hidden under the iceberg of anger?
Think about the last time you had an argument with someone, which of the following communication gestures did you take?
To put it simply, there are the following (modifications of Satya's dialogue exercises):
1. accusative type (30%): "It's all your fault! In order to protect ourselves, we always communicate with negation and command, instead of expressing ourselves.
2. Please type (50%): "Please don't do this." Always use "yes" and "yes" to communicate, fearing that once you express yourself, you will not get the attention, love and attention of others.
3. Interrupted type (0.5%): "Hehehe ~ Let's not talk about this. Have you ever heard of quail grains? " In order to face the pressure, we don't express ourselves when communicating, but communicate with "no communication". We couldn't say what we meant, so we changed the subject in a funny tone.
4. Superrational type (15%): "According to my research, our present situation is called". In order to be recognized, when we communicate, we always argue and reason that we are right, instead of expressing ourselves (A Xiong feels-being shot).
5. Consistent communication attitude (4.5%): external focus and relaxation, inner harmony and tranquility, while caring for yourself, the situation and others. Tell your heart to heart, say "I am sorry" when you are sad, and say "I am very unhappy" when you are angry. I express my feelings, thoughts and expectations calmly, without excuses or sarcasm.
Analyze the password under the angry cry:
The problem is that you can't ask Mr. A Jian to be your "uncle" for life. What should you do?
Whether you are angry or crying, there is a very important thing hidden below: you need the support, understanding and affirmation of others. Tears have a very important function of "expressing fragility". Crying can usually increase intimacy or give each other a chance to help and comfort themselves. Compared with crying, anger is an emotion of "pushing others away". You may get others to do what you say through anger, but it destroys the relationship.
Anger is a cannon, and crying is a rope. Some people are used to attacking with artillery (accusing type), while others are used to showing weakness and pulling each other (flattering type). These methods are sometimes useful, but sometimes it is difficult to let the other person know what you really want because of the inconsistency between words and deeds.
Practical weapons store:
Having said that, what should I do if I really face conflict?
The following three steps are for your reference.
(1) Ice: Stop and take a deep breath. Think about the situation now. What's under each other's iceberg?
(2) Odd: Squat down or face him. Don't make preconceived assumptions too quickly. Try to communicate with curiosity in the usual way!
(3) Step: Imagine yourself approaching each other's mood and needs step by step, and constantly confirm and feedback what you have seen and heard.
Finally, I want to send you a sentence from Teacher Li's book:
"I often feel that one of the sources of human suffering is my own lies to myself. But most of these lies are not intentional. They are developed for survival and created by our minds in the past negative experiences. People's thinking and senses operate in an inertia, and it is difficult to really touch themselves. Iceberg exploration is to help yourself and others, to know and reconnect with yourself, and to make decisions and take responsibility for yourself again, instead of becoming a victim and a free man. 」
For me, iceberg dialogue practice is a process of "seeing the demand". When demand conflicts, a word is not just a word, and a behavior is not just a behavior, but a series of emotions, cognition, longing, expectation, and even "opinions on oneself". When you are willing to have a good chat with each other, even with yourself who is hurt inside, and with a curious attitude, maybe you can find the invisible pain in the pain and deeply care about this relationship.