The 2018 hit TV series "Little Joy" has attracted people's attention to family education across the country, especially the story between Song Qian and her daughter Qiao Yingzi, which impressed everyone the most.
In the play, after Song Qian and Qiao Weidong divorced, because of her "love" for her daughter Qiao Yingzi, she arranged Yingzi's life and study in every detail, and everything was done by herself. She has the final say and has been controlling Yingzi forcefully.
Yingzi felt very depressed and resisted many times, but was always rejected by Song Qian with the excuse of "for your own good". In the end, because of the matter of filling in the volunteer application, Yingzi couldn't bear it and burst out, choosing to jump into the river. protest.
When Yingzi cried and shouted, "I just want to escape from you," Song Qian and Qiao Weidong were filled with pain and regret.
Song Qian came to her senses. She and Qiao Weidong received marriage counseling and accompanied Yingzi for psychological treatment. The whole family faced the problem together. In the end, Song Qian reconciled with her ex-husband, and Yingzi also walked out. The psychological shadow brought by her mother accepted her, entered her favorite university, and chose her favorite major. The family of three ushered in a new life.
A girl said on the Internet that when her mother saw the scene where Yingzi was about to jump into the river, she said very coldly: "If it were me, I would let her jump. She is so disobedient and wants her to What are you doing!" This sentence made the girl's heart suddenly fall into the ice cave.
Is this sentence often heard in real life? Most parents want their children to be "obedient".
There may be many parents who think that today’s children are really too difficult to teach, too rebellious, and too disobedient.
In the TV series, as bystanders, we can clearly see how the conflict between Song Qian and her daughter Qiao Yingzi is caused. Everyone will blame Song Qian one after another, but in life, if Yingzi is us Do parents of children who have children still think they can clearly see the root of the problem?
We might as well think about it, why are our children disobedient and insisting on confronting us? And who do you most want to see your child do this?
When parents blame their children for not understanding their own painstaking efforts, they can ask themselves how they understand their children’s voices. Do you know the reason behind your child’s disobedience? When children confront their parents, what do they actually need most?
In fact, the child is using his behavior to accuse the family of being "sick". When a child behaves rebelliously, parents can reflect on whether there are serious problems in their marriage.
Children are very sensitive and are most likely to become victims of marital breakdown. Therefore, once a child has a problem or a conflict occurs in the parent-child relationship, the parents should first reflect on it and face it together with the whole family. , this is not just a matter for the child.
Ms. Satya's classic saying: "There is no problem with the child. If there is a problem with the child, it must be the problem of the parents."
The relationship between the parents of Little A, a boy in the third grade of junior high school, has a bad relationship. The father has been working in other places for a long time, and the couple live in two places. They quarrel whenever they meet, which makes the child withdrawn, surly, introverted and sensitive. He refuses to go to school. In addition to playing with his mobile phone, he quarrels with his mother and grandfather. He often goes on hunger strike or runs away from home.
The mother tried various methods but could not change the situation. The father was very disappointed with his son. He often said that he would just pretend that he had never given birth to this son and ignore him; when his grandfather was young, he could still say two things. In other words, now that I'm older, I can only let it go; only the mother doesn't want to give up, but she has no method and can't get close to her child at all.
The situation became more and more serious, and finally one day the child completely broke out. After three days of hunger strike, Little A suddenly went crazy, smashed everything in the house into a mess, and then ran away from home. Grandpa was so angry that he was sent to the hospital. Mom was angry and heartbroken. After settling her grandfather and her youngest son, she hurriedly looked around and finally found this decadent child in an Internet cafe.
It was obvious that Little A was a victim of the "war" between his parents. He used various methods to vent his dissatisfaction and tried to attract his parents' attention. Unfortunately, it didn't work, so the child finally collapsed.
If the couple still does not reflect on it, continues to avoid it, and cannot face and treat their marital problems correctly, then the child's situation will only become more and more serious.
Only parents who bravely face the problems between husband and wife and are willing to take the initiative and make changes can save this situation.
Just like the Bryce family in the book "Family on the Hot Pot", this is a family with relatively good living conditions, but the mother and daughter are incompatible with each other, and the daughter is not only rebellious to the point of being He suffered from headaches, often ran away from home, and mentioned "death" many times in his poems, so his father David felt deep despair.
David took the initiative to find a therapist and took his whole family of five for family therapy. Although the entire treatment process was volatile and fluctuating, and the treatment time was very long, they always cooperated fully. , and continued to reflect and change themselves, and finally resolved the family crisis under the guidance of a therapist.
Therefore, when a child has a problem, it is not just the child's problem. Only when the whole family faces it together and receives family therapy can the family crisis be effectively resolved.
So how to face the problem and resolve the crisis?
First of all, understand why the child has problems. Don't just pass the responsibility to the child. The whole family faces it together and takes responsibility together.
Children are the "victims" of the breakdown of the relationship between husband and wife. If you only correct the child's behavior, it is completely putting the cart before the horse.
Every family is a small system. This system has formed its own equilibrium mode in the long-term operation process. No matter where there is a problem in any link, it will automatically coordinate to achieve balance (child's rebellion) It just plays a balancing role). If you want to repair this problem (referring to the conflicts within the family, not just the rebellious behavior of the child), it will break the balance of the entire system, which will inevitably make family members feel scared. They do not know how to break the Whether true balance can be achieved in the end.
The more this happens, the more we must face it bravely, break through ourselves, and reorganize and integrate this system. Otherwise, continuing to operate with problems will have greater serious consequences (children will not be able to coordinate after rebellion) All kinds of conflicts will collapse and may even lead to suicide), so the whole family needs to participate and face it together, and solve the problem together after finding the root cause.
From another perspective, most couples have some expectations when they get married, because they hope that the hurt they have suffered in their original family or the missing parts they have not received can be solved through marriage. , both are waiting for each other to give, thus forming mutual dependence.
But in fact, as time goes by, many couples will find that their abilities are limited and unable to meet the needs of the other party, so they begin to escape. Since neither of them can get what they expect from the other party, both parties will become psychologically incompetent. Produces a huge gap.
The relationship between husband and wife is deteriorating. If it is not handled well, it may even break up. At this time, children will become the "middleman" in the cracks in the marriage. They will express their dissatisfaction or concern through their children (anger is actually because of care), and the children act as the scapegoat for their parents, they will unconsciously hope to improve their parents' relationship through themselves.
Just like Yingzi in "Little Joy", in order to please her mother after her parents divorced, she succumbed to her mother's strong "love". She learned to play both sides and act based on people's faces; while Little A. I hope to win back my parents and attract their attention through my various deviant behaviors.
When there is a conflict between husband and wife, one person always has to stand up to make up for the cracks in the marriage. The child who stands up is the victim. His instinctive starting point is for his parents, but because of his limited ability, he can only take some measures. Inappropriate behavior, and the whole family is "acquiescing" (they themselves are not aware of this) this way of balancing the family system, so in the face of the child's so-called "rebellion", if you just blindly correct the child's personal Behavior will only be counterproductive.
If parents can fully realize that their children's problems are their own responsibility, as well as the responsibilities of other members, and are willing to lead everyone to take responsibility together, the situation can be completely controlled.
Secondly, we must understand the huge impact of the original family on the couple's life. Some couples are even invisibly restrained by the original family and will always act according to the original family when making choices. template.
During the family treatment of the Bryce family in "Hot Pot", the wife, daughter, and son have gradually improved, but the husband David has never been able to fully devote himself to it, and even escaped by moving. .
Later, the therapist suggested that David bring his parents into the therapy room, and David saw that his way of dealing with things was "a complete copy" of his parents'. When his parents officially intervened in the treatment, David miraculously got rid of the invisible constraints brought by his original family, truly started treatment and changed himself, making the entire treatment proceed smoothly.
The influence of the original family on a person is profound. In many cases, the original family is the template for married life, and some people are even invisibly restrained by the original family.
Maybe we hate certain behaviors of our family of origin and hope that we will not become such a person, but when we deal with things, we still unconsciously use patterns engraved in our bones.
Just like Little A, because he grew up in an environment where his parents were quarreling, he had no ability to change the status quo, and no one taught him how to communicate with others, so he could only imitate his parents and always talk to his mother. I had an argument with my grandfather, and it was difficult to interact with others normally outside. This is the influence of the original family.
If we continue to trace the relationship between Little A’s father and grandfather, it is not difficult to find that his father’s way of doing things and his attitude are exactly the same as his grandfather’s. They both like to resort to beatings, violence, or indifferent and evil ways. In other words, this pattern is most vividly reflected in Little A.
Once we understand the influence of our original family, we must bravely tell ourselves that we have been affected and accept this phenomenon. When things happen again, we must find ways to break through this psychological barrier and let ourselves Break free from this bondage and ties.
Maybe it is difficult to do it yourself. At this time, you need to find a professional therapist for professional guidance.
Finally, whether it is a husband-wife relationship or a parent-child relationship, if you want to improve the relationship, you must start with self-independence.
In fact, when a "war" breaks out in all families, both parties will indulge in quarrels. They become entangled with each other and completely lose themselves. In the fierce "war", they only want to anger and attack each other. If you can't see yourself, you can't understand your true feelings at all.
Therefore, we must separate ourselves from each other and become independent individuals, so that we can wake up and see the current situation clearly.
The mother and daughter Song Qian and Yingzi in "Little Joy" and the mother and daughter in "Family on a Hot Pot" all broke away from each other in an extremely painful way during the treatment process. They saw "themselves", felt the existence of "themselves", and realized that they were independent individuals. Precisely because they were no longer bound to each other, they returned to normal, and the long-lost warmth returned to their lives.
The same is true between husband and wife. When Mr. and Mrs. Bryce went through treatment and were able to face "life after divorce" calmly, they found that they were truly independent. They no longer relied on each other, and their relationship became stronger. Come closer and closer.
After the relationship between husband and wife improved, they became closer to their children. The whole family ushered in the long-awaited new life. Everyone has their own goals and can be responsible for their own behavior. Responsible.
So, when a child has a problem, it is not the fault of one person, but the "disease" of the entire family, so the whole family must face it together and take on their own part of the responsibility. , participating in family therapy together can effectively resolve family conflicts.
No family will not encounter trouble. When problems arise, we must bravely and openly accept what happens around us and try our best.
Parents are their children's role models and the most important guides in their children's lives. Parents may not necessarily be successful, but parents must grow. There is a saying that goes well, "Parents learn 1%, and children grow 99%." This is not only responsible for the children, but also responsible for oneself, and also responsible for the society.