Ask someone to change the poem. I write too much spoken English. Need to be more artistic.

Writing poetry should have its own style. Your poems are well written. The only thing to pay attention to is the rhythm. Moreover, if you change it sentence by sentence, your poem will be changed beyond recognition, but it may not express the artistic conception you want to express. Only in one go can we be integrated. I don't know if you know the story of Wang Xizhi's Preface to Lanting. It is said that he participated in the Lanting gathering, and then everyone drank and wrote poems, and everyone asked him to write a preface. He was half drunk by then. When he woke up the next day, he was dissatisfied with what he had written, rewritten it many times, but finally gave up.