The running water does not compete for the first place, but the competition is for the endless flow. The flowing water is not uncontested, but it does not contend for a moment and does not care about the surging noise of one or two waves. The Sichuan River that flows into the sea, when it rushes to its end, is not a vast and calm and surging deep current. "Little miscellaneous feelings" can be regarded as my river, flowing out 360 days ago, and every day's words are like an ordinary wave. As it flows through a year, it encapsulates daily life and energy; when it accumulates to 360 pictures and nearly 100,000 words, it also has a somewhat eloquent meaning. On the 360th day of writing, I can’t say that I just threw myself into the sea because of my “little miscellaneous feelings”. I just want to go back from its "gushing" and talk about some "little miscellaneous feelings".
It all started with a phoenix tree in Zimaling on January 28, 2019. To be more precise, it was a "heart" shaped scar on the tree's body. When I saw it, I was inexplicably connected to the life in the world, thinking of all the bumps and bruises on my body, which formed scars over the years, and then hardened and fell off, leaving some insignificant scars. At this moment, I was connected with this tree. It influenced me inadvertently, and at this moment, my body and mind were smooth. At that time, I just took a photo, put it on my phone, and left. In order to welcome the 360th day, I went to Zimaling Park several times, and finally selected a tree in the middle of the road near the west gate as the final material. A tree grows in the middle of the cement road, with pedestrians coming and going on both sides, like running water. The tree is calm and calm, like a calm bank in the water. I think this is its calmness and eloquence. Two trees, from beginning to end, they will be there for many years. I am glad that I took the opportunity to see them change themselves. If I had just turned around and walked away a year ago, it would have ended calmly, like a drop of water falling into a pond, and finally becoming silent and invisible. Fortunately, at that time, I was focused on fighting against the trivial and mediocre life. It was too hard at that time, and all kinds of pressure fell on me, which made me breathless, but I still had to be stubborn. I left behind the motorcycle that had been with me for six or seven years, and took a step forward to walk "ten thousand steps a day"; in order to kill the boredom of taking the bus, I picked up the poetry writing I had lost for many years. "Small miscellaneous feelings" have also become a tool for me to clean up myself. I want to see when I can't help but surrender. The tree on the road at the west gate of Zimaling witnesses my unyieldingness.
I forced myself into the "job" I asked for. In order to feel something every day, you have to stare at life with your eyes wide open, grab the details of life from top to bottom, every corner, and open up the connection between these life details and your own life. I gradually realized that it is difficult for people to confirm themselves, and they must rely on the support of physical properties. Regardless of whether I use objects to observe me or I observe objects, the passage between objects and me may be life itself. When I see a bird in the sky, a mark left by an airplane, or just a faint clear moon; when I catch a glimpse of the morning light shining lightly on a wild flower, the sunset dyes the sky red and then dims instantly, or the strong wind There were dark clouds and showers; when I squatted down or stood on tiptoe, I watched a snail crawling, the corpse of an autumn insect, a turtle lazily drying its turtle shell...these complex details of life, they expanded me without hesitation. The vision stimulates my life experience. After seeing these real clips, I realized that I am not so superior, and of course I am not so concerned. I am just a little detail of life, which is not much different from a leaf, a flower, a tree, a stone, a gust of wind and a rain. Sometimes they are more permanent, and sometimes I am more permanent. In fact, we are fragile to each other, and there is nothing to be proud of or feel sorry for. Yang Jiang said: "I don't argue with anyone, and I don't care to argue with anyone." If you see your own Xiwei or Boda, or the Xiwei in the Boda, or the Boda in the Xiwei, "fighting" will not achieve any self-confirmation. Maybe this is "don't rush to be first when the water flows"!
This is just the warm side of "Little Miscellaneous Feelings". Its other side is cold and hard, just like life itself. It is not difficult to take a picture and write one or two hundred words, even seven or eight hundred words, to express the feelings of the moment; it is not difficult to write two to three hundred words every day to sort out the state of mind at that time. The difficulty lies in pulling out a little bit from life every day and constantly coming up with propositions. Like Lu Xun, who "often pulls it up and is constantly implicated in pulling it up, even breaking the mud wall because of it." This is a "disaster". "It's hard for a clever woman to make a meal without rice", this is the biggest dilemma of "Xiao Zagan". People always live in a self-righteous way. Even if they bend down or even kneel down, there are not so many touching details in life that are connected with their own lives. The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus said: "One cannot step into the same river twice." This "little mixed feeling" made me feel deeply about this sentence. I feel more and more the terrible fact that "life is a cage" - people are always trapped in a certain place, unable to do anything else. The world is big and there is a lot of "material". And I can only be in a place called "Cuiheng" or "Dijingyuan", or walking on the road between the two. How many of the "little miscellaneous" materials are taken from here? There are so many that you can live on them, which feels a bit like "fishing out of the lake". When a goal cannot be achieved, anxiety arises instantly. How many nights have it been ten or eleven o'clock, but the material for "little miscellaneous feelings" has no clue, and even the eyes looking for it are full of anxiety; even if I have the material, my heart can't move, and there is endless delay and procrastination. Video, read the article, and deal with it anxiously when there is no way out.
Of course, if you are lucky and inspiration comes, you can take two or three photos in three to five steps, prepare four or five days of writing materials on hand, or write smoothly, write with what is in your heart, trick yourself into being optimistic and calm, and feel better in your heart. There will be joyful fulfillment. However, as I finished writing day by day, the material was exhausted little by little, the joy faded away, and the anxiety came back like a shadow. The process of writing "Little Miscellaneous Feelings" was a roller coaster of ups and downs, just like the ups and downs of life. As for the ups and downs, it's hard to say. Fortunately, such a deep "gazing" allowed me to truly understand the place where I live, and the insights I gained, even if I pretended, were enlightening.
Life is always fragmented, with housework, entertainment, and official affairs all surrounding us, eager to carve up the pitiful time. If there is material, "Small Miscellaneous Feelings" will usually be conceived for a day, then laid in bed at night and typed out word by word on a mobile phone. Even if the idea is mature, two to three hundred words will still take more than ten minutes. If you have a social event, you have to advance your writing time. After all, what you write when your mind is confused is always terrible. If I put it off until tomorrow, the burden will be even heavier. I am still searching and thinking about tomorrow’s article. Sometimes I compromise, like water swirling in a river - it's twelve o'clock, my eyelids are so sleepy that I'm fighting, and I delete and delete "little miscellaneous feelings", but still can't write, so I can only take a sleep first. Say it again. I am willing to be gentle with myself at this time, and the "little miscellaneous feelings" can be completed as late as the next morning. However, among the 360 ??articles, there are no two articles in a row or three articles stacked up in one night. The principle cannot be violated by having no bottom line. Retrieving materials and writing text all rely on mobile phones. There are also a hundred poems to be completed, and public accounts for mobile phone operations... The badly used "Xiaomi 6" and the new "Huawei P30 Pro" are both my favorites. A good horse. A rough estimate shows that a small mobile phone contains thousands of photos and nearly 200,000 words of mine. However, due to this, there are also people with "mobile phone addiction" who have been comforted by many people on the road. After the "small miscellaneous feelings", my addiction should be better, thank you.
"Little Miscellaneous Feelings" began to be updated daily in the circle of friends, but due to the "harassment" of relatives and friends, it later evolved into an issue every 15 days, and the "Chi Chi" public account was released. This advantage, in addition to not disturbing people, also makes it easier for me to do integrated statistics of text. One issue every 15 days, 24 issues a year. I have backed up the folders of the 24 issues in "Baidu Cloud Disk". After each issue, the photos can be selected and labeled and categorized, and the text can also be unified into a Word document. As the number of issues increases, more and more pictures and words accumulate, and numbers have a powerful and almost pathological attraction to people. Lu Yao expressed a similar morbidity in his "Morning Begins at Noon": "I gradually developed an uncontrollable morbid obsession with numbers. From time to time, I would count page numbers, word count, working days, and calculations on the paper next to me. The numbers between these numbers are simple and clear even if they are calculated mentally... When calculating these arithmetic carefully, it is like a superstitious fortune-teller and a businessman who is obsessed with money. This is also an intense writing process. A small self-entertainment activity." "Little Miscellaneous Feelings" was originally expected to be written at 60,000 words. As the writing became more sophisticated and the process deepened, the word count was adjusted to 80,000 words, then to 90,000 words, and finally to 98,100 words. Six words. In such an upgrade of word count, I have the same obsession with numbers as Lu Yao. If there was no such "morbidity", maybe the "little miscellaneous feelings" would have died long ago. But when I thought about something with a hundred thousand words ready to be spoken, I felt more forbearance when I was about to escape. One hundred thousand words is not a whole. It should be divided into 360 parts, each of 200 or 300 words. The first few articles are actually only more than 100 words. Every article every day is like running water, the waves of the stream of "little miscellaneous feelings". If you just read one section or one section, you may have some feelings or it will be unremarkable, so don’t discuss it. When it accumulated to 360 days and 100,000 words, it became somewhat eloquent. The running water does not compete for the first place, but the competition is to keep flowing. "Little Miscellaneous Feelings" also taught me this.
The fight is endless, and three hundred and sixty days should not be considered the end. I will continue to write, look at my own life, and appreciate my own life, but I have to be more relaxed, as daily updates are too urgent and too tiring. After all, "Little Miscellaneous Feelings" already has its share of gushing.
Looking back from the place where it enters the sea, a life that "flows endlessly" should flow like a branch of a tree. Where did I come from? ! From this point of view, the "little miscellaneous feelings" should also be temporarily ended, and then I can "find another way".