Author: Chun Er
It's a pain to miss you
It's a dull pain
It doesn't come often, but it can't be waved away
At first, it's unconsciously infiltrated into the blood
It's heartbreaking
It's a pain to miss you
. However, I deeply
thought that
with the passage of time
it would disappear like a flash in the pan
but
it would always pass by my heart like a breeze
it would be as clear as a knife
I miss you
I am never tired
but
I am extremely tired
. My child has been gone for five years. I finally dared to pick up my pen and write down that dusty past. Many friends won't let me write. I'm afraid I'll tear open my bloody scar, and I'm afraid I'll hurt, but my friends, I know you love me. But how do you know? Writing it out is the best relief for me. Only then did I realize one of my wishes. Because, in these five years, there is not a day that I don't miss my children. No matter how hard I try to make myself forget. But there will always be a casual moment, a casual touch. Let me burst into tears. I will never forget the happiness and pain that stinky smells have brought me. So, I have to write, for me and for my smelly, my only child. My forever child. Let me send this article to my son in heaven. Smelly, you know. Mom loves you forever! Wherever you are. I will always love your mother.
when I was a little girl, every time I played house, I always tried to be a mother. Because I will have a little doll.
When I fall in love, I snuggle in the arms of my present lover and sit on the wall of a vegetable garden. In the gentle moonlight, I told him my wish: I want to give birth to a dozen children, I want to raise a large group of chickens and have a big vegetable garden. Under a very lush apple tree, there was a table in Zhang greatly. After I finished cooking, I watched my children scramble to eat, and after eating, I called my mother around me kindly. . . . . .
After marriage, I often take my lover's hand and walk, imagining my child walking in front of us, shaking and swinging, while I gently kick his little ass behind him. . . . . . . .
I like boys, and I always think that boys are better raised than skins. I like naughty little boys.
I know I am a little woman. And proud of it.
so, I had a son. Have a child that really belongs to you.
I named my son stinky.
The days with children are happy, and the happiness that every child brings to parents is priceless, eternal and real. Looking back on the time when I was with stinky, I can still feel the tenderness that gushed from my heart. It is a gentleness that can melt steel.
I still remember that when I was born, Smelly was so petite and ugly. Red skin is wrinkled. Like a little old lady. I can't even touch him or hug him. He kept crying. I cried when I was hungry, cried when I was thirsty, cried when I was pulling, and cried when I was urinating. It took me a long time to wake up, and all his expressions were only these. So I began to learn how to be a qualified mother. As a new mother, I seem to have suddenly grown up. It seems that there is a responsibility at once. Because only I can survive this little life, and he will feel safe only in my arms, sleep quietly and stop crying. Every time I picked him up, he seemed to know, and the doctor told me that he was familiar with the smell. When my hand gently caresses his tender body, he will twist his little face to me, close his eyes and look around anxiously with his small mouth, and gently make a sigh, just like a hungry bird. Whenever he sucks me hard, I will feel my life quietly flowing to his body. Often, he will take a break after eating, and then he will fall asleep with his head tilted. Sometimes I'm afraid he's not full. And gently pull his ear to wake him up and eat. When he is really full, he will sleep with a smile and satisfaction like a heavy smoker.
I looked at my children happily and sincerely thanked God for such a beautiful elf.
As children grow up day by day. I found that I could have been so gentle and quiet. Can be so kind and kind. Can be so brave and sincere. My heart is full of love, which makes me smile at everyone. Yes, I keep discovering my new self. I used to keep writing before marriage, but I haven't written since I had children. I found that children are my best works. Being a mother makes me proud and satisfied.
I still stubbornly believe that a woman will be incomplete if she doesn't get married, and she will never become a real woman if she doesn't become a mother. Children will make your heart very soft! His angelic laughter can wash away all the filth and troubles of the world. His pure eyes will make your heart as ethereal and peaceful as the sky in Tibet. When you hold him, when his little body snuggles up to you in trust. You will find that you are so needed and indispensable in this world. When he calls you * * * in a pure voice, you will find that you are really the happiest person in the world!
My stinky has a soft body, beautiful eyes, white skin and a red birthmark behind his head, just like his father. There is a small black hemorrhoid on my right wrist, just like me. Because I like to draw meticulous figures, I left him an ancient boy's head, with a peach-shaped front and a long thin pigtail at the back, and all the rest of his hair was shaved. Stinky's pigtail has not been cut since he was born. I tied it with a red ribbon. Because of his unique head shape, the barber shop can't cut it. So, every time, I patiently trim it with small scissors while he is sleeping. My stink is unique. At least in the eyes of my mother.
slowly, he began to learn to walk. At first he studied in a walker. He learns quickly. I often see his figure rushing around at home. He is very curious. When he sees himself in the mirror, he will smile, then kiss him, and when he sees the white smoke from the humidifier, he will reach for it. When I cook for him, he will park his car in front of the kitchen and look around curiously. He is very dependent on me, and he follows me wherever I am. Even when I was taking a shower and going to the bathroom, he would bang on the door and wait for me to go out quietly when he confirmed that I was inside. He is very biased towards me, even if he takes a shit, he must be wiped by his mother. In his small heart, it is biased towards * * *. He rampaged in the' walker', but he was afraid to leave the car. He often grabbed the sheets with one hand and reached out to me with the other, expressing his fear with his eyes. I encouraged him by his side: "Smelly! Come on, come to mom. Not afraid, mom is here! " And my child will take a trusting step and stumble on me, and I will hold him firmly in my arms. . . . . . .
it's good to be a mother! I have all the joy and pride that a mother can have.
I still clearly remember that it was the spring of 1996, and the breeze in May gently blew my short green windbreaker. The bright sunshine shines on me warmly, and everything is warm. I suck the fragrant air and take a brisk step to pick up my children. Suddenly, just like being struck by lightning, the happiness that came out of my heart suffocated me. It was a warm undercurrent that gently flowed all over my body. Straight to my fingers. Even, every inch of my skin and every pore felt that kind of happiness. At that moment, I asked myself: What is not satisfied? I have a husband who loves me and a lovely son. How happy I am. I must remember the feeling of this moment. I want to keep this feeling of happiness. As a result, I really remembered it. (Until now) And I really deeply realized what happiness is! That is a real and down-to-earth happiness. I was twenty-five years old that year, and my son just turned one.
Happy me, I didn't realize that disaster was hidden behind my happiness. It always comes when you least expect it. And it's only three months before I experience happiness.
One night when he was one year old and three months old, he suddenly began to cry. My wife and I kept coaxing him, but he kept crying until he was tired of crying. The next day, when he opened his eyes, his left eye was red. I took him to the hospital for examination. The doctor just told me that it would be fine to take some anti-inflammatory medicine. So, I give my child some medicine on time. But the red is still there. It's been almost a week, and I'm taking my children to check again. The doctor seems very nervous this time. Checked and checked carefully. Finally told me that the child's left eye was blind. Besides, I'm afraid there are other problems. I was shocked! How can it be? I held my heart and walked around the hospital with my child in my arms, waiting for the results of the examination. I told myself, "It won't happen again. It doesn't matter. Even if the child is really blind, I will love him well. " But after a while, the doctor called my lover in. When the lover came out, he told me pale: "The stink may be eye cancer!" " I froze: "Eye cancer? No way! ! ! It must be wrong. " I walked out of the hospital with my child in my arms. I don't believe it. My child is healthy and lively. Even if there is something wrong with his eyes, it can't be cancer! I don't believe it! I'm going to Beijing for reexamination! ! !
The next day, my wife and I took our children to Beijing. In Tongren Hospital, we hung up the specialist clinic. While waiting, my stinky still took my hand and ran around curiously. Keep asking my mother what this is and what it is. I can't believe how such a happy child can get any eye cancer! ! But my heart has been hanging in my throat. . . . . . . . An ominous shadow has been hanging over me. The result finally came out. Stinky is really a retinoblastoma. It is really eye cancer! ! ! In Tongren Hospital, when the doctor told me with regret that I was diagnosed, I suddenly fell to the ground. It took me a long time to find that I had burst into tears. My heart shouted: "Impossible. Never! " I feel my blood drained and my heart crushed. People come and go in the corridor, and from time to time someone gives me a surprised look. My lover asked grandpa to take the children away first, and then dragged me out of the hospital. We held hands and wandered aimlessly through the noisy crowds in Beijing. We don't know where to go, where can we go? ! Tears are running wildly on my face, and I can't restrain my sadness. I know that no one can help my children in the vast sea of people. Neither can i. The doctor told me that children with this disease will be blind in both eyes when they walk, and with the growth and migration of the tumor, their faces will be deformed, which will be terrible. Another kind doctor told me quietly, "If you can't do it, just give it away, or you won't be able to stand it. We have seen sick children, and even we can't bear to see them when we die. Too cruel! " I listened numbly. Thinking of the smiling face of the child, I can't believe all this is true. He is only one year and three months old. His life has just begun, is it going to end? Is all this true? The doctor told me that stinky can be treated with chemotherapy now, and there may be a 5% hope (for fear of blood metastasis), but he must have eyeball removal surgery, including the orbit. As a result of chemotherapy, this half of his face will always be his face when he was one year old, but the other half will grow normally. Moreover, even if the operation is successful and the chemotherapy is successful, you can only live to 7. About eight years old. I really wanted to give him chemotherapy. At that time, I frantically grabbed the doctor's hand and shouted, "Operate on him.
surgery! " But I also clearly know that this is too painful for a child who is only over one year old. What is even more cruel is that if he lives to be seven years old, if he is sensible, his pain will be unimaginable. Because of him, born to die. I never dreamed that my child would get such a disease. Neither our family nor our loved ones have a genetic history, and we are not close relatives. I was too careful not to watch TV when I was pregnant. Why is this happening? That night, my lover and I made the hardest decision of our lives. I clearly remember my strong lover's bloodless face and sad eyes when making this decision. I shouted to my lover, "No! The doctor said that if you don't do surgery, the child will be blind, and finally something like cauliflower will grow in his eyes and his head will be deformed. What should I do? When stinky stretched out his hands and called me, "mom, mom, where are you?" What should I do? I'll go crazy! Do the surgery! No matter what the result is, we won't regret it. Even if we lose everything, we should treat him by gouging out bones and removing meat! After all, there is still a glimmer of hope! I can't watch my child die! "Facing my hysteria, my lover, my beloved just hugged me crazy and shouted at me:" Chun Er, wake up! Don't you let stinky grow long enough to ask you, "Mom. Why can't I survive! " At the time? Do you want him to face this cold fact with one eye? Do you want him to be physically devastated and face those curious eyes? Then he wiped his eyes hard and said to himself, "No, I can't cry. I'm a man. I can't cry. I must be calm." . . . . . . (Son, forgive your parents) Although it was early summer, the wind was really cold that night. We sat on the cold steps and snuggled up tightly. . . . . . . Son, forgive your parents! We are cruel, but also helpless! We must make such a decision. We'd rather let you live happily for a year and leave when you don't know anything, than let you go tortured. Although I know this decision will make me feel guilty all my life. On the way home, I was weak * on my lover, and tears kept flowing. Let me cry and cry as much as I can, because when I got home. I have to face four old people and my children. I am a daughter, a daughter-in-law and a mother. I can't be sad at that time. . . . . . . . .
the next night, I was carrying my stink alone. Hiding from relatives. I carried him in a quiet city at midnight. Keep walking, rest when you are tired and buy a bottle of water when you are thirsty. I don't know where to take him and I don't care where to go. All I know is that I'm going to carry him. I want to be with him. On the way, I hugged my stinky and asked him, "Smelly, mom loves you, do you know?" Stinky told me, "I know." I told him with tears: "smelly, mom loves you, no matter what mom does, you have to know that mom loves you." Stinky replied, "I know." I asked him, "Smelly, will you be my son in the afterlife?" My smelly, smelly replied to everything but said nothing. My tears dripped on his face. So I changed the subject and asked him, "Smelly, do you love me?" He answered clearly: "love." . . . . . .