Mom: Hehe, the little boy was inexplicably sad and had emotional problems before puberty, hehe. ...
Your worry is a problem that many parents of adolescent children must face! Many parents of adolescent children think that adolescent children are particularly difficult to figure out. Just now, they were in high spirits. How did it turn "sunny to cloudy" or even "lightning and thunder" and "rainstorm" in a short time?
Don't worry, since adolescence is an inevitable stage of human development, all problems are developing problems. In other words, solving these problems that we have to face is the process of growth. For example, strong and unstable emotions are common phenomena of boys and girls in adolescence. This is not intentional, nor is it "sick" or "insane", but one of the psychological characteristics of adolescence.
Frankie: What causes us to have a strong and unstable emotional reaction during adolescence?
Mom: It is the result of the interaction of physiological, psychological and social reasons. Adolescents are faced with at least three kinds of pressures and challenges: on the one hand, their bodies are developing rapidly, especially their sexual development and maturity, which makes them accumulate a lot of energy and easily get overexcited; On the one hand, the study task is very heavy, and the psychological pressure is generally greater in the face of fierce competition; On the other hand, with the growth of age, they are eager to know more about the outside world, interpersonal communication is increasing gradually, and all kinds of information are pouring in, which makes the problems they have to deal with more and more complicated. The pressures of these three aspects are often intertwined, and contradictions break out one after another. Although the content of life is greatly enriched, it is no longer as simple and relaxed as kindergarten and primary school. At this time, their brain nerve mechanism has not yet developed well, and their adjustment ability is still relatively poor. Therefore, in the face of various pressures and stimuli, it is easy to produce psychological imbalance. Teenagers are not as good at controlling or hiding themselves as adults. They often show their emotions on their faces, which makes them feel unstable.
Frankie: It seems that the emotional reaction is strong and unstable, which is also a normal reaction of adolescence. You shouldn't be afraid to worry, just face it.
Mom: That's right!
Frankie: Do you need to solve it as a problem?
Mom: Although emotional instability is a psychological feature of adolescence, emotional fluctuation will have a certain impact on our lives, such as affecting our relationship with others and distracting our study attention. Long-term bad emotions will make people sick, so we still have to learn to adjust our emotions.
Frankie: Emotions have such a great influence on people!
Mom: Yes! Emotion is the core of psychological activities and has great influence on physical and mental health. Therefore, learning to consciously regulate and control emotions is an important part of mental health care. In our daily life and study, everything we do is emotional: when we get good grades in the exam, we will feel happy; When you lose something precious, you will feel sorry; If the desire is blocked again and again and cannot be achieved, it will be disappointed and even angry; When you enter a strange environment, you will feel embarrassed and even afraid. These emotional activities, such as joy, sadness, anger and fear, will cause a series of physiological changes in the body. According to scientific research, positive and healthy emotions, such as happiness, joy and moderate nervousness, are beneficial to the human body, which can increase the cardiac output, promote blood circulation, make people feel refreshed and enhance the brain's working ability. Physiological changes caused by negative emotions such as sadness, grief, anger and anxiety are harmful to the body. If the body is under the influence of these bad emotions for a long time, it will often lead to a variety of diseases, such as hypertension, gastric ulcer, psychological disorders and so on. Therefore, teenagers should understand the important role of emotions in protecting mental health and learn to self-regulate and control emotions.
Frankie: Is there any way to adjust or control your mood?
Mom: There are many ways to adjust and control emotions. You need to find appropriate ways to adjust and control your emotions according to your own situation.
Frankie: I know. Yesterday we had an ideological and moral class, and the teacher showed us an old movie "Lin Zexu". In the film, Lin Zexu hangs a sentence at home-"Solidifying anger". Whenever he is angry, he reads the word first. Is this how Lin Zexu controls his emotions?
Mom: You are absolutely right! You are such an observant child, how nice!
Frankie: Are there any other ways to control and regulate emotions?
Mom: Let's talk about some principles of controlling and regulating emotions.
To adjust and control emotions, we must cultivate our optimistic attitude towards life. No matter what difficulties and setbacks you encounter, you should face them with an optimistic and positive attitude. I believe there will always be a way to solve the problem, so you can face the reality bravely, work hard, never be disappointed, and be full of confidence and hope for the future. This optimism often brings positive emotions.
Second, we should properly vent the bad emotions accumulated in our hearts. For example, you can pour out your troubles and sorrows to your bosom friends. Doing so helps to eliminate the troubles and depression in the heart, thus achieving peace of mind. This kind of venting is good for mental health.
Third, we should maintain proper tension and enthusiasm. Tension is an emotion that can maintain and improve the efficiency of study and work. For example, nervousness during exams can make brain function achieve the highest efficiency; You also need to be nervous when you are in class or doing something. Moderate relaxation will make life more rhythmic and interesting.
Fourth, be good at controlling yourself rationally. Teenagers' demands and wishes should conform to social morality and norms, otherwise they should be dispelled by reason, and society and others cannot be asked to satisfy all their wishes. Doing so is of great benefit to maintaining psychological balance and cultivating healthy emotions.
Frankie: What you said sounds reasonable, but it's still hard to do. I don't know if you know what I mean. I feel that sometimes when I am angry, I can't control it completely, and I don't even know what I am saying or doing!
Mom: I know what you mean. Middle school students are in the youth with high enthusiasm. Sometimes passion seems uncontrollable and easy to get angry, which is a common emotional reaction of middle school students. Sometimes, because of a harsh word, an unpleasant thing and a little conflict between classmates, they get angry, or hurt people, or even punch and kick each other, and their behavior is completely out of control. Some people hit people, causing injuries and even committing crimes. This kind of anger not only harms society, but also individuals, and it will make people's mentality unbalanced and produce various psychological diseases. The appearance of anger is related to personality temperament, for example, people with bile temperament are prone to anger; Some are physiological reactions of physical diseases, such as hyperthyroidism; Some are related to the environment. For example, some people lack good upbringing since childhood, so their self-control is not strong and their ideological understanding is vague. They often think that anger can deter others, resist blame, save face and pass the buck.
Frankie: How can I overcome my bad temper? Mom: Rational adjustment is needed to adjust anger. Impulse can't solve the problem. When you realize that your anger has started to burn, the best way is to force yourself not to talk and adopt a humorous method, which will help you think calmly.
Frankie: That makes sense. There is another situation. Many students in the class have this feeling. When they encounter unhappy things at school, they throw things to vent their grievances when they go home and look at nothing pleasing to the eye. Sometimes they even vent their anger on their parents and get angry with them. Although my mood is like a storm, sometimes I can't tell the exact reason why I'm unhappy. Somehow I feel restless and just want to get angry.
Mom: nameless fire actually has a name, and nameless troubles do exist, but nameless is only because you didn't find it, not because it doesn't exist. You may have noticed the reasons for some problems, but some didn't.
Frankie: Oh!
Mom: That's right. Psychologists tell us that many middle school students will get angry with their parents or throw things around for no reason when they come home. This phenomenon is caused by anger. Anger is a psychological defense mechanism of human beings, which is often manifested in venting on B after being angry with A, and sometimes venting on things and destroying things. Psychologists classify this phenomenon of venting anger as an "alternative" psychological defense mechanism. Replacement is to unconsciously transfer one's strong feelings for one thing to another, so as to reduce the mental burden. A common manifestation of this feeling is anger. Reasonable "substitution" is beneficial to people's mental health, but if it develops into improper behavior that hinders interpersonal communication, it will become a personality disorder.
Frankie: When you feel inexplicable troubles, you can't take it out on someone. What should you do?
Mom: Tell a story first. One day, a dolphin fish in Nanhe swam under a bridge and bumped into a bridge post. It doesn't blame itself for being careless, but it is angry. It thought that the bridge column had hit itself, so it opened its mouth, erected its fins, swelled up and floated on the water for a long time. An eagle flew over and saw it, grabbed it and tore open its belly, so this dolphin fish became the eagle's food.
The above story tells us a truth: when you are angry with others, you should first reflect on yourself. In life, we often see such a phenomenon: on a crowded bus, passengers quarrel because of unintentional collision, and both sides blush and have thick necks; At school, students will get angry and angry because of some trivial things (such as who stepped on whose shoes during sports). These are unprincipled conflicts, unnecessary emotional impulses and useless anger. People with culture and accomplishment in life are often generous and humorous. Open your mind, don't care about personal gains and losses for trifles, learn to understand, learn to tolerate, reflect on yourself more and blame others less.
When you are confused, ask yourself: Why am I upset? If the cause of trouble is only a trivial matter, we should remind ourselves to calm down in time, and don't be angry about a trivial matter, let alone take it out on others. You might as well put yourself in the position of your parents: if I were your parents, what would my mood be like? Or tell your parents about your emotions and get their understanding. This not only eliminates your nameless fire, but also strengthens communication with your parents.
Frankie: Do you know what I do when I'm unhappy?
Mom: Tell me about your good method and let mom learn from it.
Frankie: When I am unhappy, I don't think about unhappy things. I'll put them down first, or forget them for a while, and then think about happy things, so it will be better in the future. After a while, when I think about that unhappy thing again, most people will feel as if nothing happened and they can't find what they were like at that time. What do you think of my method?
Mom: What a good way! No wonder everyone thinks you are a sunny boy! In fact, your method is called transfer method in psychology. When there is a red light in your mood, put aside your immediate unhappiness and do what you like.
Frankie: My method conforms to the theory of psychology!
Mom: Yes. The transfer methods to deal with bad emotions can include activity transfer, environment transfer and subjective situation transfer.
Activity transfer is to learn to let go of what makes you unhappy and do what you like. Your generation is versatile and has all kinds of entertainment. Entertainment is rich and colorful, from music, dance, sports, piano, chess, calligraphy and painting to photography, handicrafts and collection, all of which are your specialties. These can be used as activities to transfer bad emotions.
For example, music is a good medicine for coping with stress. Relaxed, lyrical and pleasant concerts make people feel happy. A music psychologist once said, "Music excites you and makes you introspect. You become more aware of yourself and what you are doing. As a result, you become more optimistic. " When you feel nervous, anxious and irritable, listen to a soothing piece of music, or listen to a few favorite songs to purify your mind and relax your spirit in music.
And physical exercise can release emotions very well. When you encounter something unsatisfactory, or can't think of a solution to the problem for a while, you might as well throw everything away and play basketball, swim or run to release yourself from sweating. During strenuous exercise, relax, and don't worry about whether you will be suspected by your classmates because you said something wrong, or blamed by your parents because your exam results are not ideal. At the same time, your body has also been greatly stretched, making you forget your troubles, feel happy and refreshed.
When you encounter difficulties and setbacks, you might as well take out your favorite book and read it slowly, so that you can be in the world of books and experience the ups and downs of the protagonists in the book. Read history, biographies, travel notes, poems and other books. It can make you forget all your troubles and sorrows. Reading wonderful travel notes at home and abroad can relax our nervous nerves and let our thoughts gallop freely. Especially, many ancient landscape travel notes in China have a feeling of detachment, indifference and self-forgetfulness. After reading them, people's mood will gradually enter a state of peace. We can also selectively read and appreciate ancient poetry, taste its charm, and focus on its artistic conception. Reading poetry can make people enter a good emotional state and an optimistic spiritual realm, which is beneficial to people's physical and mental health. And your favorite-comic books, comic books can also relax your mood and bring a little surprise and interest to your life.
Frankie: Is leaving a place that makes you unhappy a change of environment?
Mom: That's right. Environmental transfer is a sad objective scene transfer method of parting. People's emotions are often infected by the environment and atmosphere. A comedy will make you laugh and a tragedy will make you cry. This is what people often say: touching the scene, feeling changed, feeling moved. When people encounter psychological difficulties, the first and easiest self-help strategy is avoidance-avoidance of external stimuli that lead to negative emotions. When you are in a bad mood, you might as well stay away from the place that bothers you and try to be in a completely different environment. "If you don't listen, you don't mind" is the truth. The new stimulus will distract your attention and make you forget your troubles for a while. New scenes may also rekindle your enthusiasm, confidence and courage and cheer you up, thus greatly diluting the shadow of trouble. For example, when the conflict between students in the dormitory makes you angry, leave the scene as soon as possible and go to the classroom to prepare for class; If the atmosphere in the classroom between classes makes you unhappy, you can go to the playground at once, or chat with your good friends outside the classroom.
Moaro, a famous French writer, said: "The broadest and kindest refuge is nature. The vastness of forests, mountains and oceans contrasts with our personal narrowness, soothing and peacefully healing our spiritual wounds. " Being close to and appreciating nature is the best way to cultivate and stretch yourself. Every sunrise, every sunset, every bird song, every flower fragrance, everything is so beautiful. Into the embrace of nature, all troubles will drift away, and the mood will eventually return to calm. After the busy study, go outdoors and let the beautiful scenery and fresh air dilute your fidgety mood. Or attend a class reunion, let the lively atmosphere dilute your sad mood.
Frankie: The way to forget my troubles for a while is to shift the scene subjectively, right?
Mom: Yes.
Psychological research has found that people's psychological endurance is limited, and if they face too many conflicts, they will be irritable and nervous. In reality, many people live in painful memories of the past all day long, savoring the setbacks they suffered in the past repeatedly. The more they think about it, the more frustrated they are, and the more dissatisfied they are with reality. Tomorrow, they will taste today's decadence and fall into a vicious circle. In order to break this vicious circle, we must learn to forget. Forget unpleasant quarrels, forget irresistible beauty ... There is a poem that says:
Forgetting is a relief from pain. Yesterday's tears can't fill today's joy.
Forgetting is a relief from fatigue.
Forgetting is a sublimation of self.
Forgetting is a new beginning of life.
Frankie: When you are unhappy, it is ok to transfer. But sometimes, something happens to you, which is especially unpleasant and uncomfortable. You can't forget them if you want, and you can't forget them if you want. What should you do?
Mom: You should learn to vent in this situation.
Vent? It's just that the reservoir is full of water, so I'm afraid the reservoir will collapse, so I dug a diversion canal to release water-Sichuan earthquake, watching TV, hehe ... Is this a fact?
Mom: the metaphor is very appropriate! You are very clever! Stepping into the flower season of youth, teenagers began to quietly taste the ups and downs of life, silently chew the confusion of life, and brew joy, anger, sadness and joy in their hearts alone, afraid to tell others the secrets in their hearts, but also want to say them. When faced with the troubles and puzzles inherent in life, such as the loss of pursuit, the frustration of struggle, the emotional injury, the pressure of study, etc., bad emotional experience arises spontaneously. A prominent feature of adolescent boys and girls is psychological atresia. They don't want to tell others what's on their minds, especially their parents and teachers who interfere in their own affairs too much. A closed mind is like a closed container. If too much gas is not discharged in time, it will cause an explosion. The same is true of human psychology. If negative emotions accumulate too much in the bottom of my heart and the psychological load is too heavy, physical or psychological diseases may occur.
Whether you want to cry or laugh when you suppress your emotional reaction for a long time will also affect your physical and mental health. Long-term depression, because psychological pressure can not be released, will aggravate negative emotions such as tension, trouble and irritability, and even cause physical obstacles, such as insomnia, loss of appetite, headache, vomiting and palpitation. Therefore, in order to keep the balance between physiology and psychology, we need to unlock the mind, open the mind and decompress it.
When a certain emotion arises, we should learn to vent it in an appropriate way, regardless of the mood. When you are angry, you can do some physical exercises, such as playing ball, running, climbing mountains, etc., which can relieve the physical and psychological energy brought by anger in time; When you are upset, you will feel much calmer when you talk to your good friends. You can even cry when you are in pain, and you will feel much better after crying.
Therefore, venting is a good way to self-regulate emotions.
There are many ways to vent in real life. Because of individual differences and different environmental conditions, there are different ways to vent, ranging from a small sigh to crying and yelling.
Frankie: Is crying a catharsis? I think girls can still use this method, but we boys certainly don't.
Mom: People often think that tears are a patent for girls and a sign of their vulnerability. Boys will not cry easily in the face of difficulties, but endure bitter tears, otherwise they will be immature and fragile. From a medical point of view, crying is an instinct of human beings and a direct external expression of unpleasant emotions. Crying for a short time is the best way to release bad emotions, and it is also an effective measure of mental health care. Because people cry when they are emotional, they will produce high concentration of protein, which can relieve or even eliminate people's depression. Some studies believe that when people cry, tears can make people discharge harmful toxins when they are nervous, painful and sad, and play a role in relieving tension and pain. If people don't cry when they should, but swallow their tears into their stomachs to prevent them from flowing out, they will inevitably bear great psychological pressure and produce negative emotions such as depression, depression and sadness. If you keep this bad mood for a long time, so that they can't get reasonable and necessary catharsis, you will get deeper and deeper, which will easily cause psychological and personality damage. So, if you have tears, let them flow naturally. Tears are not a woman's patent, nor is it synonymous with weakness. Many boys who think they are strong and resolute, please give up the heroic creed that "men don't cry lightly", and they will be more mature and strong after crying and hurting.
Frankie: Does yelling count? Aren't we taught to grow up and stop yelling all the time? The old man always said, "Don't always sigh at a young age!" " "
Mom: Sighing is a very effective adjustment to people's mood. It can increase vital capacity, accelerate blood circulation, make the body in a relaxed state, strengthen vagus nerve, excite the brain, restrain disorder, be conducive to the adjustment and stability of the internal environment of the body, and give full play to the cardiopulmonary function.
As the saying goes, "shout to solve a thousand worries." When you are depressed and restless, you will feel a breath in your heart. If you don't vent it, you will feel uncomfortable. At this time, you can go into the wilderness and shout to nature. Try to reveal what you feel depressed when you shout. The truer and more thorough this confession is, the better. The pain accumulated in my heart goes away with the sound of shouting. By shouting, you can breathe out the dirty air in your chest, the dirty air in your lungs and a lot of oxygen, thus improving your breathing function, relaxing your chest, regulating your nerves, enhancing your vitality, and keeping your body and mind in the best condition. However, when you choose to vent your anger, you must choose a suitable place, such as a sparsely populated park or suburb, so as not to affect others.
When you hold a grudge against a person for a long time, you can use the imaginary "opponent" method to eliminate the resentment. If you are angry with someone, you can write his name on paper, or pretend that he is in front of you, yell at him or set a "target" instead of him and give him a good beating. However, please pay attention to the premise of not hurting others and yourself. You can't scold others for no reason, and you can't let yourself yell or complain endlessly.
Frankie: Can you complain?
Mom: complaining occasionally is also a reasonable way to vent bad emotions. Scientists suggest that proper complaining can make people analyze their own situation and find the first step to solve the problem. Secondly, complaining can raise the level of adrenaline and help prevent anxiety.
But it must be appropriate to find someone who can tolerate and handle complaints, such as your intimate friends or parents. You should also avoid complaining about the same problem all the time, so that not only no one can stand it, but it will affect your bad mood and make you unable to get rid of grievances.
Frankie: When I am unhappy, I will feel much better if I talk to my friends.
Mom: It's also a good way to vent bad emotions.
When you encounter unpleasant things, don't sulk and hide your bad feelings in your heart, but learn to talk. Bacon once said, "If you tell a friend your happiness, they will share it.". If you pour out your sorrow to a friend, you will be divided into half of your sorrow. " Everyone will always have a few close friends around him. When students are in a bad mood, they will get together, have a pot of tea and a cup of coffee, tell the truth and pour out their depressed negative emotions in order to get sympathy, enlightenment and comfort from others. Or you can find a teacher, a good friend, a good classmate and so on. Pour out your anguish. In this way, on the one hand, you can vent your bad feelings, on the other hand, you can get more emotional support and understanding, get new ideas to understand and solve problems, and enhance your confidence in overcoming difficulties. Teachers, classmates and friends can help you eliminate depression and restore psychological balance. American experts believe: "A person can live for 20 years if he has a circle of friends." Visible, the importance of friends to a person's life.
Frankie: The methods you mentioned to deal with bad emotions are really worth a try. However, I want to give your parents an opinion. Because, I think sometimes our children's bad mood is caused by your parents.
Mom: Tell me what you think and let's discuss it.
Frankie: There are some things that our children don't think are particularly big. For example, if we don't do well in an exam, we will think it's just an exam. It's no big deal, not that I can't, but that I'm careless. I hope I can pay attention next time. However, you adults often think that this is a major event that the sky is falling. From the results of an exam, we can see our learning situation, saying that "one point is worse than one playground person", the result is not serious. Let your parents say, how can we be in a good mood In other exams, we are satisfied with our grades, but your parents often say that you are not the first, you should be the first ... Our mood is not bad, so your parents immediately make it worse. Over time, we have learned to pursue perfection and demand ourselves, so how can we be in a good mood?
Mom: You're right. We adults really have to take responsibility for this problem. We adults unconsciously cause our children to pursue perfection excessively, which leads to the unreasonable belief that children pursue perfection excessively when thinking about problems. Children will think: "I must do what I am good at and win people's appreciation;" Otherwise, I am a worthless person. "These unreasonable beliefs make you have a lot of negative emotions.
We should really get rid of the unreasonable way of thinking that we evaluate ourselves as a whole based on the success or failure of one thing. To tell the truth, we should not deny a person's overall value just because of one thing. There are no perfect people in the world, so self-denial is not desirable. Of course, to do this requires the joint efforts of parents, you and society.
Frankie: As long as your parents and teachers don't always talk about every point and every little thing, I believe I can be strict with myself and pursue progress without being too hard on myself. Your parents and teachers must believe in us, allow us to explore and practice ourselves, even allow us to fall or even fail on the way forward, and give us opportunities to grow.
Mom: You speak very well! In life, you will face many firsts in your growth, face them bravely, cherish yourself and cherish your youth. Mom will always support you and watch you!