1.
Five years passed quietly. Haven't had time to say goodbye to me. In fact, I am afraid to say goodbye, just like being abandoned. I like to spend every day quietly. Even if no one says goodbye to me, I'm still fine. This just tells me that I actually live very lonely. Perhaps because of introversion, I always like to close myself up and put myself in a so-called poetic world. I think this is an illusion.
Sima Qian said: the world is full of benefits, and the world is full of benefits. I think this sentence is really good. It summarizes our reality and utilitarian reality. Naked. I don't know why, but I'm always confused recently, like a lost child, and I don't know where to find it. There are too many crossroads in life, I missed many roads, and finally I came to a road I didn't expect. How to get to the road ahead? Still confused. Standing at the age of 30, it should be a time when a person should not be confused. However, I am addicted to confusion and can't extricate myself. Just like the poem I wrote, I never put it down and never left. In five years, I left school with a group of children. Actually, I'm still very touched. Maybe no one remembers me, but I remember them. To tell the truth, the position of the teacher has always been in my heart, but I don't remember the opportunity to say goodbye. I haven't seen a high school teacher for seven or eight years. Are they doing well? Actually, I don't like lyric. I always feel melodramatic. This feeling should belong to a woman, not me. As a man, I actually don't like being so sentimental at all. What a painful thing it is to be sadder than Lin Daiyu. But I can't change this problem, just like a pathological condition.
Our school moved to a new place, so we left the old campus. I remember there was a water plant next to the old campus. At that time, every late autumn, I always saw those tall ginkgo trees outside the window, which soon turned yellow. So after class, I went to see ginkgo alone, took a few photos casually and sent them to my circle of friends. At that time, life was like this. Renting a house has to go through a long alley, and going home has to go through many communities. But at that time, I felt fireworks. After that, I moved and almost went to the suburbs. It's more than ten minutes' drive from downtown and about half an hour's walk. It feels far away. But I always remember the ginkgo tree in my heart. After work that day, I went by my colleague's car. I haven't been here for two years since I left. Although there is nothing wrong, I always feel that I am a person far away from it. Suddenly approaching, I feel a little strange and timid. But I still got up the courage, walked into the gate and saw Ginkgo biloba, still the same, tall and yellow all over the floor, which looked so dazzling in the community. After filming, I left alone and told myself to come back next year. After all, I always keep some things in mind and then forget them. I am a nostalgic person, so I miss the past very much. I don't think this hobby is a disease.
I got a job after graduation. Settle down, to be honest, everything is going the way you want, everything is so orderly, get married and have children, buy a house and decorate. With a home, I have hope and happiness. In fact, you should know how to be content. The so-called misfortune, as someone said, is what I think. Sometimes, I always think of Haizi and Gu Cheng and their poems. Think about how they treat the world. I should be different from them. Some people say that the poet's world is difficult for outsiders to understand. Maybe there's a way. People with complicated thoughts are always full of thoughts. I always feel that the world is full of bugs and I have been crawling all my life. Zhang Ailing said: Life is a gorgeous robe full of lice. Is there no road? Everyone's life is different, so why insist on consistency?
I like flowers and plants. When I was a child, my family had a yard full of all kinds of flowers and plants. Now, the house is gone, leaving a desolate place. I really felt a little sad at that time. We have been poor all our lives. What are we looking for? Sometimes, without hometown, people seem to have no place to convert. Loneliness arises spontaneously. But I always look for a few words in my memory, just to seek that peace. It's actually good, so what? So what if life is not smooth? Why please others and satisfy yourself? When I am quiet, I especially miss this river. When I don't study at night, I will accompany my DuDu, a very docile dog, running by the river. Enjoy the peace of the night and the peace of Chishui River. When you are running, you will remember what happiness looks like when you are alone. But modern people are afraid of loneliness, and none of us want to be lonely.
I think I will be more lonely without a mobile phone. So even when you sleep, don't forget to look at your mobile phone, WeChat, news, space or listen to music. It's really boring, so we watch TV plays very late, and then lie in bed and sleep. After dawn, another busy day began. Maybe it's because we are used to being busy and enjoying our silence in our own habits. Sometimes, think about it, life is really simple. The family lives happily, talking and laughing, and can enjoy the rest of the time. Maybe this is enough, but why do we always feel dissatisfied? I don't think we have the answer ourselves.
2.
Say goodbye and really leave?
Actually, otherwise, we will meet again. As others say, we will meet eventually, even if we are all white-haired. Maybe it's really that I'm getting old, and I always feel that time passes in a hurry. For a moment, we are all getting old. No passion, no dreams, no future. A person, I think, is really afraid of old age and death. It's just that we try to ignore these things. Extremely think that the influence of these fantasies can be ignored. However, sometimes I have to think. Life and death have lives, so why insist? Wang Xizhi takes life and death so lightly, so why haggle over every ounce? Living well is the greatest happiness.
But why do you think life is so difficult? People are always so greedy and want that. If there were no greed, we might live a simpler life. Life is so short, why bother with our beginning and end? I remember once in the hospital, I saw a four-year-old child drowning because he fell into his barrel. I remember the doctor rescued me for a long time, but I still couldn't help it. In fact, when he came, the child left this world. Life! Really so fragile, if you go to the hospital, you will find how happy a healthy person is, even if he has nothing. But many times, we don't think so. We fill the pond of desire with water, so we indulge in such a pond and will not save ourselves. Sadness, I think most of it comes from here. Good health, relatives alive, children well, happy life, happy work, what is not satisfied? Greed is a worm that constantly devours all of us. So we should stop rushing and reflect on life. You will see more sunshine then.
The wind is blowing, and the flowers on the windowsill are very fragrant. I passed by the supermarket and saw the flower shop, so I went in and bought flowers. I really don't have much patience, so I hope the flowers will bloom as soon as possible. I remember that I planted flowers for a long time, but they still didn't bloom. I was a little discouraged. I like this kind of flower that has been blooming vigorously. Most people are probably like this, and they don't like the result coming too slowly. So, we began to be anxious, anxious. Some people say that we are suffering from all kinds of modern diseases, and anxiety is one of them. I think it makes sense. I have no objection. Often anxious, I don't know what I'm worried about. Anxiety caused by dissatisfaction is always disturbing.
I think that if a person has many people to speak his mind, he will not be happy. On the contrary, I think he is lonely.
3.
Intermittently, I don't know what this diary-style text wants to express. There are so many things to express. Even complicated and chaotic.
I remember when I was studying poetry writing, there was a saying that poetry pays attention to jumping. Therefore, my prose always runs far away and goes to other places at once. Understand, always can't keep up with the thought. Maybe it's because I write more poems. Writing prose is always so flustered. But I am still very satisfied. Not only do the words bring the same feeling, but even if I jump far, I am still in the same place. This stagnation is actually an internal spiritual essence. Maybe you really need some experience to sort out your spirit. Many times, we are too easily influenced by things around us. What a painful thing it is. I don't think you want to enjoy self-exclusion in a lonely way. Nobody wants to, and neither do I.
Zhou likes loneliness, so he says it's a good thing to be alone.
But I'm always afraid of loneliness. Perhaps it is entangled in childhood memories and has been living in uneasiness, so it has left a state of inner restlessness. This state has been affecting me. Even when I grow up. I gave it to you when I was a child, and it will really accompany you all your life. Therefore, the memories you followed as a child will be inevitable memories on your way forward. I will always remember it deeply in my heart and never forget it. When I was a child, I was always nervous. I am often afraid of being alone. I don't like that feeling. I feel abandoned. But I always try to recall the happy picture to make up for this mental defect. This will make you feel at ease. People still have to grow up, and they will not always indulge in the past. But shouldn't a poet have a pure heart? So the contradiction began to exist. On the one hand, I hope to grow up, mature and steady, on the other hand, I hope to maintain a childlike innocence. Obviously, you can't have your cake and eat it. How do you choose? Don't write, don't write poetry, may be mature and steady, is your best choice. Even if you choose to be mature and steady, you know that a voice in your heart often calls you. If only you were a child. At that time, the beauty began to emerge, and you were addicted to your childhood life. You keep telling yourself that it was beautiful then. But when I grow up, this is the reality. Even cruel. When we are old, our parents are old, and some people even want to leave. Sorrow will come uninvited. Therefore, contradictory human beings are so afraid.
Live a good life and don't show off everywhere; If you have a bad life, don't hate yourself. I think the best way is to live the truth and live the self.
Flowers bloom and fall, and some people come and some people go. Life is like this, watching indifferently, everything has a happy ending. But our reality, as Sima Qian said: the world is bustling for profit, and the world is bustling for profit. Benefits can never be separated from each of us. If we underestimate the benefits, I think you have really reached a state. However, how many people are really indifferent to fame and fortune? So there is no need to dwell on self-contradiction or self-pursuit. Maybe it's better to take everything lightly. When you are surrounded by a feeling of suffocation, try to keep yourself alive. Escape to a sunny place and see more sunshine.
Don't be depressed, live calmly, be healthy and confident, and the future may be very good.
2018.1.17 7: 00, study.