I clearly remember that one night at the end of July last year, I was in my room upstairs, staring at a dozen professional textbooks and a lot of notes piled up. That night, the air conditioner was turned on very low, but I was very irritable. That night, I had insomnia again.
During those few days, what often came to my mind was whether to give up this idea. It is impossible to say that it is not affected at all. Although after every ideological struggle, I told myself to persevere. Until one sultry afternoon, I woke up from my lunch break lying on the table, shaking my heavy head in a daze, and suddenly asked myself doubtfully: Do I really love literature?
I only remember that I suddenly woke up, but I was also speechless. There was silence all around, except for the sharp chirping of cicadas outside the window that irritated my eardrums, and the sound of my own slow breathing.
I also clearly remember that when I first started preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination, my teacher asked me what major I was planning to take, and I answered straightforwardly and quite proudly - literature. Although the teacher told me that the national standard for literature has the highest scores among all majors in the postgraduate entrance examination and requires more learning, I still firmly said that I would only major in literature, otherwise I would not choose to take the postgraduate entrance examination.
I said: "Teacher, I will never look back until I hit the wall." The teacher said: "I think you won't look back even if you hit the wall." Although I knew that the teacher was giving me advice and help from the perspective of someone who had experienced it, I was still determined and confidently prepared to enter the world of literature.
But that afternoon, for the first time, I had doubts about my firm belief that literature was the major I loved, even though I was watching and studying hard. But I can feel that my mentality has quietly changed.
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In fact, I was not so persistent and passionate about literature from the beginning. At the beginning, I just liked reading books, such as novels, essays, poems, etc., and occasionally wrote some indifferent and sentimental sentences. At that time, I only equated liking literature with reading books, and thought that literature meant reading books, expressing my own views and opinions, writing and other very poetic activities. But in fact, my understanding of literature at that stage was Very shallow.
After I graduated from junior college to bachelor’s degree, because neither the junior college nor undergraduate majors were in literature, and as I grew older, deepened my understanding, and continued to mature mentally, my enthusiasm for reading remained the same as before, and on the other hand, my enthusiasm for reading remained the same. On the one hand, I want to understand something deeper behind the works through them, and the idea of ??studying literature systematically and deeply is becoming stronger and stronger. Therefore, I chose literature without hesitation for the postgraduate entrance examination.
Although I already knew in my heart that literature is a subject of vast content and knowledge, once I truly came into contact with literature systematically, what I had to learn and see far exceeded my expectations. The major I chose is Chinese modern and contemporary literature, but I want to study not only modern and contemporary literature, but also ancient Chinese literature, foreign literature, literary theory, philology, literary criticism and writing, etc. Plus some supplementary reading books, about twenty books. Based on the information my senior sister told me, my beautiful imagination about literature was shattered for the first time.
Any discipline has its theory to support it. Literature is no exception, and the theories of literature can also be very profound and difficult, often making it difficult for oneself to understand. After taking it too much for granted, after recognizing the reality and studying deeply, although I did not give up, I still studied with enthusiasm. However, in the face of too many books and obscure theories to read, sometimes when you are tired of studying or can’t get into the study, you will have confused and unprepared thoughts until you really face yourself and ask the question that you thought was unquestionable. : "Do I really love literature?"
In fact, even though I was confused when I asked this question, I did not feel disappointed, nor did I feel that the love I was once proud of was not in reality. It feels ridiculous to be so vulnerable in front of me. On the contrary, this happens to be an opportunity, an opportunity to look at yourself, analyze the present, and then decide how to move forward.
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Afterwards, I slowly realized that love is not a final decision, nor is it something beyond doubt. In the process of finding what you love, you need to go through repeated scrutiny, questioning and tempering.
Only after fading away the exciting and gorgeous appearance and exhausting the shallowest freshness, and spreading the simplest and deepest essence in front of you, can you better understand the truth and then understand it. Do you really love it?
Just like a growing tree, spring, summer, autumn and winter change with the changing seasons. It is lush in spring and summer, withered in autumn and winter. At the right time, the excess branches need to be cut off, leaving only the trunk. In spring and summer, it is full of vitality and vitality; in autumn and winter, its branches and leaves have fallen away, leaving it bare and desolate. But show the essence.
If a tree wants to become a tree, while blooming with passion and splendor of life, it must endure the loneliness and desolation that is not shameful. Similarly, loving something or something is not just about accepting the glamorous side it brings to oneself or attracts others. In addition to these, there are also its depth, thickness, twists and turns, as well as the suffering and pain it brings.
And it is the latter that is the nourishment for one's continuous growth and prosperity, and the only way to truly become oneself.
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Love is not the same as liking, it is more than liking.
Xiao Zhan, a new actor who became famous in the TV series "Chen Qing Ling", said about his attitude when doing things: "Only if you truly love something, can you do it well . It means you want to do this thing from the bottom of your heart. This is endless power. It is better than any chicken blood or any motor. It is endless energy that you love this thing and what you do. It is something that you really want to do from the bottom of your heart. This is an eternal motivation to push yourself to do it. ”
Sometimes, when we are doing something, we may not do it. At the beginning, I was full of enthusiasm, but after a while, I gave up halfway or simply stopped doing it. I felt it was boring and lost interest.
These may not be love. Love should be tirelessly exploring deeper and more willing to pay, work hard and persevere for it.
Because love is eternal, not temporary.
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Looking back on the past year, after experiencing self-affirmation and doubt, experiencing suffering and exhaustion, and realizing the burden of the entire process, I still maintain my passion for literature. A lustful desire. Until now, I have no regrets, even if I did not do well in the exam, I have never regretted it.
The doubts that sobered me up that summer are long gone. However, it did not completely defeat me, but allowed me to reaffirm myself after experiencing confusion, and then became an inexhaustible motivation for me on the way to the postgraduate entrance examination. I know that all this comes from love, which is sincere, enthusiastic and simple love.
We always say that a confidant is hard to find. In fact, love is hard to find. In today's society, amid the endless temptations and novelties, we will be surrounded by short-term joy and good feelings one after another without even realizing it. Some people walk their whole lives, but they can't break through this too homogeneous joy and good feelings, so as to understand what they really love. Some people are addicted to it, and they don't ask what they love.
Love is lonely, and it is not as enjoyable to be alone as it is to be enjoyed by all. It needs constant searching, it needs to be tempered like an ascetic, and it needs to put aside the bright and glitz like peeling off silk and pulling away clouds to see the fog, in order to see its essence and then re-recognize oneself. However, it also makes people happy. It allows us to maintain our desire, excitement and surprise for life while seeing the complexity of society and the triviality of the world.
Dear us, take a moment, stop and look back, don’t always be busy rushing. We are all still young, and there must be things and things that we truly love waiting for us to embrace and integrate into our lives. It would be a pity if we easily ignore or give up looking for them.
Be bold and try, go find it.
You know, it’s really cool to be able to own things and things that you love!
Above, I would like to encourage you!