When the cold wave comes again, I look at the northwest wind and cold rain blowing from time to time, and think of the feelings that have almost faded. At the same time, I am more and more homesick.
At the moment, there is lingering rain in this city, which is not big, but cold into the heart and spleen. Although the South Yard where I live is a "paradise", it is quite deserted. The dark green vegetation shivers in the cold wind, and I feel a little scared when it rains. The asphalt road is wet and distressing. Walking on the road, all the footprints are branded with the cold given by this severe winter, and my mind is misty, as if the cold is rising. Flowers bloom and fall, clouds roll and clouds are comfortable, and it has been abandoned here for more than three years in a blink of an eye. I watched some students carrying bags these days, probably going home. The holiday is coming, the Chinese New Year is coming, and my university is coming to an end. There is no joy in my heart when I was on vacation in the past, and some melancholy sadness arises spontaneously, which only occupies the misty thoughts in an instant. At the thought of work, love and the future, I became a lost lamb, putting down my happiness and wandering in the cold street behind the hundred lights. Where am I? Why doesn't the lamp in front of me feel a little temperature?
"When will you come back for the New Year after the exam?" There is always a trace of expectation in my mother's voice, and there is also a hint of pleading. My heart hurts. Can I go back? I have never been able to make a living by myself, and I am still struggling on the road. How can I prevent my mother from seeing my fragile heart behind my calm appearance? I don't want her face wrinkled because of me. "Well, soon, I'll be back soon." How fast can I drive? I am looking forward to returning to that simple and warm dining table and eating the delicious food cooked by my mother. However, can I still take this warmth for granted? Perhaps, I can't bear this warmth, all I have is to avoid all the attention I care about.
I can't get rid of her sobbing and crying for a long time. My heart is aching again, and it hurts like a knife. The love that belongs to me, I personally cut it into pieces with a knife, and I also cut myself into pieces. After last night, I am no longer qualified to have such sincere feelings, a true love she gave me. My cruelty makes me cry on a cold night, and my self-abuse makes me regret it. But the reality is always so cruel, and it is sad and lonely after all.
I stood on the bridge at the school gate for a long time. Looking at the withered lotus stems in the water, I felt so lonely for the first time in more than three years. There is no ripple on the surface of the water, like a face without emotional fluctuation, like a pool of stagnant water. But now my heart is in chaos, and the desolate taste rises leisurely at this moment. The water duck that used to swim has disappeared. In this cold winter, they may also be afraid of this cold. I tightened my coat, but I felt colder. This kind of cold is not brought by northwest wind or northwest rain, but from the deep heart, so cold that I have nowhere to hide. Looking at the weeping willows swaying on the shore, my heart suddenly moved. Maybe I shouldn't sink like this. There is too much helplessness in life, and there is no need to pay too much attention to it, whether it is love or career. If there is still a trace of warmth in my heart and I can still beat, then we can catch that weak aquatic plant, and our frozen bodies can still have a chance to dock.
The moment she cried, my heart broke. I don't think I can be stone-hearted from beginning to end. Mom and Dad, I really want to fly back to you at this moment. I don't need your warm arms and safe arms. I just want to be by your side, silently not talking and sleeping quietly. But I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, there is her figure, and her sobs fill my lifeless mind. My heart hurts, like a grain of sand, and I can't get out. She said that time can forget everything, but time! I owe you too much, and you owe me too much. I never want to see you quietly erase my pain again. All this pain is my own making. I just want to pray in this pain, pray that God can give her happiness again, and I will let God handle it. However, before disposal, I really want to go home.
The light of the small desk lamp is still so dim, and now my eyes are cold. There are closed doors everywhere in the apartment, and it seems that even the windows can't help but close. I really want to light a fire, a fire that can turn me into ashes, and a fire that can release the residual heat of my body. I think I will get it from an ancient coal, because I see my gray face. Is the pain at the moment a punishment for giving up happiness easily? If so, I will try my best to understand the hurt they left in my heart and the pain I left in her heart.
There are a lot of review materials on the desk. But in the face of the upcoming final exam, I don't have any ideas or enthusiasm. Maybe I'm numb after taking the exam for a long time I don't expect to go home after the exam, but I really miss home. Perhaps, in the next moment, I will be abandoned by this place I once yearned for, and everything will fade away, along with her love, joy and sadness in the apartment. I suddenly feel like a stray dog, sobbing in the bleak.
The rain has stopped, but it seems to be getting colder around me. My body is shivering with cold, which makes me homesick more and more. At home, I may feel less pain and cold.
The blog post has been published on the homepage of grassroots famous blogs, thanks to Yueming Fengqing Circle.