I. Original text
My dog is called Little Witch.
When I limped out of the yard, it followed.
We crossed the vegetable garden, crossed the ridge and went north to grandma's house.
I fell into the ditch and it wagged its tail.
I reached over and it licked the blood on my hand.
He was drunk. He said there was a woman in Beijing.
Better looking than me. When they are desperate, they go dancing.
He likes dancing women.
I like watching them shake their asses.
He said they would call the bed, and the voice was very nice. Unlike me, I said nothing.
And always cover your face.
I ate without saying a word
Shout "little witch, little witch" and throw some meat to it.
It wags its tail and barks happily.
When he grabbed my hair and hit me against the wall.
The witch kept wagging her tail.
There is nothing he can do for a man who is not afraid of pain.
We walked behind grandma's house.
Just remember, she has been dead for many years.
Second, the application scenario
Loneliness, pain, seeking comfort.
Third, disassembly.
The time structure of this poem is this time (going out to grandma's house), that time (recalling all kinds of bad things that her husband did to her on the road) and this time (going to grandma's house)
If I were asked to write the second sentence of part 1 (paragraph 1, 2), I would say: Let's go to grandma's house together. When the author writes like this, the sense of space and environment of the picture comes out, without too much decoration, just describing it truthfully, as if shooting with a lens.
The second part (paragraphs 3, 4, 5 and 6) describes the potential reasons for her going to grandma's house. Looking back, her husband was not good to her, even worse than a dog. But she didn't give in, and she was numb! For a man who is not afraid of pain, he can do nothing!
Use "saying nothing" as a transition between paragraphs. Smooth and seamless!
The third part (the last paragraph) echoes back and forth. It is written that I didn't realize that my grandmother had died for many years until I got to her house.
If I were to write the last sentence, I would say: I know, grandma has been dead for many years. I think it is impossible for a relative who has died for many years to forget the fact that she has passed away! The normal situation should be to know that she is dead or go to her for comfort.
Fourth, from this poetics to
1, the time structure, at this time, at this time, echoes back and forth.
2, use less embellishment, describe it truthfully, and let the readers imagine for themselves.
3, the writing style is good.
4. Cohesion between paragraphs
5. Add feelings after truthfully describing: When he grabbed my hair and hit me against the wall, Xiaowu kept shaking his tail. For a man who is not afraid of pain, he can do nothing!
6. Detail description: The wizard wagged his tail twice before, and the third time kept wagging his tail.
Fifth, golden sentences
There is nothing he can do for a man who is not afraid of pain.
2020-02-22 Ji 'an